I’m fucking done.
She destroyed me, wrecked me, broke me.
The day she killed herself, all of her fucking craziness was handed down to me. I’m the only one out of my siblings that has inherited her crazy fucking genes. It’s too fucking much. Bipolar, ocd, tourettes, depression, anxiety, what fucking else is going to be thrown at me? I’m so tired. I haven’t slept properly in over two years. I can’t turn off the fucking lights because I keep thinking of her hanging.
My dad’s no help. He’s openly said to me that he ignores what I’m feeling, and doesn’t give me emotional support in the hopes that if he ignores it, it will go away.
I’m turning 18 in a few months and I can’t fucking do it anymore.
The worst part is, I’m too scared to kill myself, because I don’t want to end up like her.
I’m fucking stuck.
18 comments
That’s awful that your father would discount your feelings in that way. Are there groups for Tourette’s/Depression/Anxiety sufferers in your area that you can join? Somewhere you can find people who understand at least *part* of what you’re going through? Perhaps, hopefully, there are people *outside your family* who could be more sympathetic, and who might have good advice for you…
You’re a very special person and my only regret is that I don’t know you.
I don’t know how to get it all to stop for you, but a suggestion is to take what you’re experiencing from your sister’s suicide is to make sure people that post here know exactly what kind of hell the “loved ones” that remain after suicide go through. There are so many here that think they’ll be leaving their families better off by dying and need to get the real perspective of what suicide does to those left behind.
As I recently mentioned in another post, my friend’s younger brother just hung himself as well and it’s just decimating what was left of this family after their father did the same thing 10 years ago. People here need to know what you and the other affected loved ones in your life are truly going through, so they have no romanticized ideas of what they rationalize to be the case.
Maybe that will help. Maybe if you can help some of the folks here, it can take a little of the madness away. It’s worth a try.
I can see you have a lot to deal with ……. ((((((HUG)))))))
Its not something you should have to deal with, its hard, and I wish I had a diect answer that is a cure all for you, but I think what is mentioned above is correct.
For me, prayer has helped a lot. I believe God saves people, as He did me, and He can at least help you deal with this all emotionally. You have nothing to lose. What I discovered is that the closer I sought to be with God, the more He has helped, even intervened in obvious and miraculous ways.
I see a lot of folks on this site miss that opportunity, its sad.
Sorry, I didn’t specify. My mother killed herself, not my sister.
Sorry Sunnygirl1, I’m not sure why I read that as your sister now that I look it over as it makes sense that it was your mother the way you wrote it.
My suggestion still stands though. If you check the posts here from time to time. Not every day, or even every week because it can get difficult to keep yourself in this space for lengths of time. But if you can come here now and then, you’ll see posts like what I mention. Where they think that their loved ones would be better off or that it would “hurt them some” and let those folks know what the real effects are, you might help someone see that. And maybe that can help you too.
That wouldn’t really help me.
Who am I to tell people what to do?
I have a problem with empathy, I guess. Witnessing a suicide at age 5 would do that.
what if the person who would be most affected by your pain, is the who is causing you all the pain?
perfect catch-22: i can’t kill myself because it would cause you too much pain, but your rejection of me is what is causing all this pain
new class of judicial sentence: sentenced to emotional pain for life
I’m not scared of suicide because I think it would hurt my mother, if that’s what you’re implying. I hate her, more than anything I want her to suffer.
What I meant is that I am scared of becoming her, hated the way that she is.
This world is fucked up. Most people are depressed, many of the kids are self-harming. All those who can afford it are in therapy. 13-year-olds don’t know how to be kids anymore. What the fuck is wrong with their parents? What is going on? It makes me so upset when people either cause deliberate harm to their offspring or neglect them and dismiss their problems. Why have children if this is how you’re going to treat them? Do most wish they never had children and either think, “Oh great, here’s a punching bag who can also do all my household chores,” or, if they are not abusive, just say, “You have problems? You’ll get over it, it’s just a phase.” Or, “You’re lazy. Grow up.” Never any sympathy.
I do agree with what you’re saying,
however I’m not a 13-year old kid. I’m 17, turning 18, and I’ve always been like this. I’m not looking for sympathy, just help.
I do go to a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
They don’t help me.
Persephone:
In my opinion there are a LOT of people who should have never had children. If you’re suffering from mental illness, aren’t the nurturing loving type, have kids just to be part of the crowd or are an alcoholic or drug addict etc. So many children are brought into this world in fucked up homes. I’m one of them. The son of a bi-polar father and a neurotic mother. I should never have been born. If I had had the means at 13 I would have killed myself back then. I’ve been severely depressed and suicidal for decades, I don’t know how I’ve lasted this long. I never wanted kids though married twice – I knew I wasn’t capable of being a good father and I didn’t want to chance passing on the bi-polar gene to any offspring – I was at least fortunate I’m not bi-polar like my father and his father.
So I was smart and considerate and never brought any kids into this world to suffer like me.
The world is indeed very fucked up; but not all parts of the world are equally fucked up (wrt such intense emotional suffering). Clearly capialism has a great deal to do with this, as the ‘ human’ in us is simply an externality (the same with the environment), to be ignored on the profit and loss sheet. Traditional socities have their problems as well, but what is clear is that lack of community or lack of social support systems gurantees an epidemic of emotional suffering.
I no longer live in the U.S., but for me the greatest metaphor of the states are the long, endless, peopleless highways — they frankly scared the shit out of me. Without too much hyperbole, it can be said, using a medical metaphor, that the states suffer from a plague of loneliness. See Sherry Turkle’s ‘Bowling Alone’.
And as David Simon, creator of The Wire, and the sociologist Zygmunt Bauman have both noted, modern capialist society is creating a vey large class of throaway people, ie people who make no contribution to profit, but instead are seen as just costs. Look for the ‘human’ or ‘feelings’ or ‘suffering’ in this equation. Hint: you won’t find it. Bauman literally writes that capitalism will decide to commit genocide against these people (in various ways), something that Simon is convinced has already begun, in places like Baltimore.
correction: the book ‘Bowling alone’ was wrtten Robert Putnam
Turkle has written a book on a similar theme, ‘Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other’
btw, there’s a tribe in Colombia, whose whole life revolves around the love for and well–being of their children…i’ll do a post on them
Trying to get a job at 47 with a solid work history and no criminal record,,, and I can’t.
Thus, I certainly agree about the “throw away” of people.
After all, in my case, even my wife threw me away like trash.
I particulalry dont like the explosion of “smart phones” like the Iphone.
I have seen (even my own marriage), “it” take the place of face to face contact, and watch it eliminate social interaction.
Thus people also become colder.
I was recently at a restaurant….. there was a couple across from us….. this woman was in her iPhone constantly….. she never even looked at the guy she was with.
I would have said “F-you, eat with your phone” and walked out.
I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound like a *****,
and normally I’m a very kind, bubbly person,
but lately I’ve been so fucking tired that I’m just done dealing with people.
So I’m just going to say please refrain from commenting unnecessary things on my post, as I get notified every time you comment, and I’m not in the mood to read an argument about smart phones and the downfall of society right now.