Is it worth it? I am the odd one out of my family. Being diagnosed with MDD gave me a whole new look. I started getting bullied when I was in First grade because I was over weight. I thought nothing of it because I was young. A couple years ago I ended up cutting myself for the first time and I thought it would look cool, but it actually took all of my pain away (so I thought). Nobody in my family has ever suffered from any Depression disorder so it was very rare for me to suffer from it. I get bullied every day to the point where I have suicide thoughts every day. I used to cut myself every day, but now I can’t, my arm is so numb and I shake every time I try to do it. Sometimes I hold everything in till the end of every month and it makes everything worse. I have breakdowns in school and sometimes it wont be for any reason. I walk fast in the hallways and keep my head down so people can’t see me, why, because when others see me they laugh and make jokes and call me names and sometimes it’s worse. Last year I didn’t want to go to school because so many people wanted to fight me for no reason.
On August 8, 2013 I was sent to the Psych Ward for saying I was going to kill myself. I called my frieed late at nigbt bawling my eyes out and repeating “I’m done. I’m done. I can’t be here anymore. Why am I here? I want to leave. I am sorry, I love you” She instantly reacted by having her mom call the cops. The cops got to my house and made me show them my arms. He asked me why I wanted to kill myself and what is going on. I told him “I don’t know”. The ambulance got to my house and asked me if I could walk or not, I said yeah. They told me “Camille we are going to take you to the Psych Ward”. I started crying even more. I walked outside and saw people starring at my house. My cousins who live 3 houses away were outside and I was embarrassed. I had the worst experience of my life in thr ER waiting for a room in the Psych Ward. 4 in the morning I got a room and ended up crying the whole time I was there.
My family was ashamed of what I did. They told me I was better that and I was raised better than that. I told them that they don’t understand me and they never will. Nobody expected me to attempt suicide. Everybody in my family was shocked and wouldn’t talk to me for a couple days. I felt disowned and stupid for what I did.
Still to this day I suffer from MDD. I still cut and I still have suicide thoughts. Nothing will change the way I am. The Lsych Ward didn’t help at all. I do have friends who talk me through things, but I feel bad when I put everything on my friends.
I love helping others who are depressed, I just can’t help myself.
2 comments
Well, I blame it all on society but if this will make you feel better, you have a family and friends who are scared of losing you, they are there for you, one day they will understand why you feel this way and they will become more supportive. I, myself, have nobody, I suffer from Major Depression but yet I cant tell anybody, because my family dont believe in such things.. I call it smiling depression. I’m alone and broken, I always feel that I’m lower than people, Im uglier than any girl I see -though everybody says I am pretty-, I feel that I dont matter, my boyfriend whom is the petson I live for is neglecting me. I’m in second year at university my studies are in a deep shit. I’m much more fucked up than you are my dear, so cheer up.
I agree with unknown 2,society has all the fault.but in that society there are also millions of people who are depressed to death or have many problems,im shure that in your school pr neighborhood there are but they just camuflage as i say,and also this desseases are kind of tabu now a days.also school iwas the wrst time in my life.when you pass that shit many things change.strength my friend