I just want to let this out, you know?
I was talking with my friend and the subject of my ex came up. And that was just one relationship that went boom, exploded, guts all over. Metaphorically speaking. It ended badly. Now, I’m not a devout Catholic, in fact, I get the feeling that I’d be better off as an atheist. But a few weeks ago, on a whim, I went to confession and afterwards my friend found out I cried. So during our conversation my friend casually mentioned that it was probably that subject (the ending of that relationship) I was talking to the priest about that made me cry. I paused, said no, smiled and changed the subject.
It made me think. And for a moment there I got depressed and the feeling just persisted. I couldn’t tell her that the reason I cried was because I confessed that I wanted to kill myself. That even though I told the priest I’ll try, I’m back to this vicious cycle of wanting out of life altogether. I don’t know, I was just thinking.
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Do you want to kill yourself because you are depressed about a breakup? I’m not downlplaying that, but I’m sure you have other aspects of your life that are positive. I understand depression, but don’t hinge your entire happiness on another person.
To be honest, I never thought of suicide when we broke up. I guess everyone thought I was that invested because at that point I cried a lot and it seemed like it was such a bleak point for me. But that relationship is like all my relationships with people in general, I never get too invested, it’s like I can get into it but when it ends, I just don’t care. I can’t bring myself to care. I sort of get the feeling it’s why I feel so depressed and suicidal. No matter what type of relationship I get into, familial, friendship, or a lover kind, it never seems to be fulfilling. It’s like, it’s always so empty and all I am is really just dead.