After spending a few hours on this site and reading a lot of others stories, I have decided to share mine. I have no idea where to start; it seems I have battled depression my entire lifetime. My first memories really are of being locked in my room, bruised and beaten… crying, wondering if all kids lived that type of life. My father was a very abusive man to not only me, but my mother. I would stand and protect my brother and sister and took beatings, upon beatings for them. I was molested by my dads best friend several times from the ages of 7-9. Finally when I was 9 my mother decided to leave him after he kicked my down the stairs and broke two of my ribs. After she left him, she became heavily addicted to drugs, would leave me responsible for my younger siblings, and let me do as I please. I started using drugs (marijuana and pills) at the age of 9, started drinking at the age of 10. My mom dated several men, none of them which was worth a damn. I spent most of my teenage life raising my siblings and protecting them from a psycho my mom started dating when I was 11. My first suicide attempt was at age 12 when I decided to take an entire bottle of Zoloft and go to sleep, woke up 4 hours later with blue lips and shivvers… no success and spent 2 weeks in mental hospital. At 13, my mom had a baby to a 16 year old who I actually ran with on the streets and done drugs with frequently; it was then she found out by him I also used drugs and she sent me away to a rehab. My littlest brother was born in March of 2000 and has on going heart problem due to my moms drugs use while pregnant with him. I would sit with him every night, just staring, watching him breathe… waiting for his heart monitor to go off because not one person around him other than me gave a shit. I spent so many nights with him, just holding him… crying… never knowing what I was doing and just hoping he made it through the night. It was around this time I decided to go into “home-school” which was actually me not learning anything but how to be a parent. I started an online chat-room on Yahoo! called Suicide Prevention, which was where I met the love of my life, the one who saved me. He was 4 years older than me, but like me he also had a very hard life. I was very self destructive and I undoubtedly wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him. We had a rocky relationship, he lived in Canada and I in America. At 15, I took another overdose and called him to say goodbye. I remember falling to the floor, not being able to catch my breath and woke up two weeks later in a hospital on life support. He had called my best friend who lived down the road from me and she found me passed out in my living room floor. We were on and off for 3 years. I became pregnant at 16; I got off drugs and turned my life around and had my son at 17, although it wasn’t his child, he cared for my son (Gabriel) as his own and made sure he came to America to see him born. Everything in my life at that time seemed to be going so perfect, for once I was happy. Right after my sons 2nd birthday, I get a phone call from his brother…. and they had found him dead, he shot himself. He never left a note, he never said goodbye… all I got was a folder in the mail that contained every poem he ever wrote with the word PEACE on the front.
I went downhill quickly, using drugs everyday. I gave up on life, everything I loved turned to shit…. or died. Inside I was still a lost little girl with no direction and no hope. I decided to go out drinking with some of my friends one night instead of going home and when I did go home later in the morning my mom had filed papers for abandonment of my son and had taken temporary custody. I really lost my wits then. I had spent my entire life raising her children, which she ran around sleeping with men and doing drugs and then she takes my child? I ended up in jail two months later and ended up serving 13 months in prison… a CO-ED prison, like a youthful offender program for young adults 18-24 where I ended up pregnant with my daughter Kyra. I dated this guy almost the entire time through the program and we even spent 6 years of our life together and had another daughter, Kayleigh. We both were released the same day and shortly after I moved in with him. We done great for the first 3 years. He was unfaithful to me our entire relationship, he was a terrible boyfriend but a wonderful father, so I dealt with it. After the birth of our second daughter, I caught him shooting up heroin… and after a few months of fighting him on his addiction, I also fell onto that path. I had the mind set if I couldn’t defeat him I would join him, I loved him. Our addictions spiraled out of control, he had a great job in the oil industry making 6 grand a month and 4 grand of it was spent on our addiction. When the economy failed and he lost his job, we hit rock bottom fast. He started robbing houses to feed our addiction, pay our bills, and care for our two small children. He got caught in October of 2011 and was sentenced to 17 years in Prison, in a common wealth state. Now I have never been close to my family, he was really my only family. I was now alone with two children, fighting an addiction, an to be honest scared out of my mind. I started making counterfeit money, buying drugs, and selling them to make it by. I moved to Alabama from Virginia to live with his sister, who was also a addict. I last there for 4 months before I decided I had to change, I had to get clean for my daughters and so I made the worst decision of my life and I let his family take my daughters so I could get clean. I went to rehab, I got clean, and I relapsed. On May 22nd 2012, I got adoption papers in the mail. They wanted to adopt my kids and give them the life I never had and I wanted so badly for them to live a life I never had. They are loved are dearly and I know they will always be taken care of. I signed the papers and stuck them back in the mail box. The next day, I went to work and on the way home it all hit me so fast, like having your heart ripped out. I love them girls more than life its self, I couldn’t live without them. I was crying and I just couldn’t handle the pain. I punched the accelerator and smacked into a rock wall doing 75 mph… didn’t have my seat belt on and was ejected from the window. I woke up on the ground, blood pouring from my face where I just crashed through my drivers side window and I tried to get up and realized I couldn’t move or breathe, I kept passing out from the lack of oxygen. A helicopter showed up and flew me to a trauma center where I spent the next month. I broke 8 vertibre in my back, 8 ribs, my scapula, and punctured my right lung. I feel very cursed, like no matter what I do, I’m doomed to live my life here on earth and suffer. I’ve become a complete loner, I never leave my house and when I do I just spend the entire time wishing I hadn’t left. I think everyday how easy it would be for me to make it my last, but I force myself to smile and laugh and pretend it’s okay, but I know the truth deep inside, I’m not okay.
I skipped over a lot of events in my life, it would of taken days to write it all and I’m sure no one would want to waste their time reading a novel.
31 comments
i would’ve loved to read your novel plz
i’m here for you as i’ve always told you..
you better not give up on hope, you’re one of the only ones that have kept me going and gave me the will to keep fighting, just keep on fighting and one day that fake smile and laugh will turn into a real one and you can be happy =] <3
Maybe you’re right. About poetry.
You’re story is amazing and sad. I think there’s still a chance of a happy ending.
What are you going to do now?
@ Duke- I’m glad you admit I could be right about poetry, it is an amazing tool to help with emotions.
I have no idea what I’m going to do… I spend everyday kind of in a fantasy pretending that life isn’t happening outside my little room.
@ CursedTouch- I’m glad you have inspiring words for me and I hope you find your peace and happiness in life. I’ll always be there for you as long as I still breathe.
I might write you a poem. I don’t know yet.
When the outcome of your life is dependent on the successes and failures of animals that run in circles and jump obstacles, that’s when you need to worry.
I would like very much Duke. 🙂
I’m taking it by your reference that the success of your own life is in the hands of these animals?
The horses can be a harsh mistress
Distraught and forlorn with fortunes asunder torn
Living in a fantasy world isn’t that bad. You are still able to dream.
I don’t think it is too bad at all… but eventually it will crash in on me. All dreams come to an end my friend.
Nothing lasts forever. The trick is trying to make them last as long as possible. The scintilla of hope, no matter how tiny, is what keeps you going.
So what is your story Duke? I’m curious now.
It’s not as detailed as yours. A few words would probably suffice. I’m stuck in a place without a beginning or end. A perpetual state of nothingness temporarily fulfilled by alcohol, horse racing and hanging around suicide sites.
What exactly brings you to these sites? What are you looking for? A friend? Someone who understands? Hope?
I don’t know anymore. If you say you’re not looking for hope it’s meant to be wrong, really wrong. You can’t sit around waiting for life to pass you by. They say it’s too short but I think it’s long enough when you don’t know what you’re doing.
I would have read a novel as well if you were to write it. I’m sorry you have been through so much, you really deserve better, and i hope you get better things from life eventually… which i assume you should, you sound like a fighter and an awesome person… i don’t think many people could survive everything you have endured.
@Duke: You CAN sit around waiting for life to pass you by. That’s when you’ve really lost all hope and it is an awful place to be in. Even if there are horses.
Absolutely true… If you ever need anyone to talk to… you can contact me anytime. 🙂
@keief- Thank you, that means a lot to me. I don’t see myself as a victim of life, I see myself as a survivor and a warrior. I appreciate the kind words from you guys. 🙂
Ok, I’ll look up at the night sky and find you. It can’t be that difficult.
LOL you are a silly one Duke 🙂
Do you sleep at all? It must be late where you are.
It’s 6:15 am… and I do sleep sometimes.
You’re alright Pink_Star. I like your style. I think if someone were to ask me right this second who I’d want to be suicide part*ners with, I’d choose you.
Well thank you Duke 🙂 I appreciate that! You don’t seem so bad yourself.
The first thing I did on this website was post a poem I wrote, I’d like you to read it sometime. It isn’t fake, it is all true and from the heart. :p Looking forward to reading the one you “may” write… Tbh I’ll probably annoy the shit out of you until you do. 🙂 lol
http://suicideproject.org/2013/12/240019/
I already read your poem. I know what you mean now.
I wrote a few when I first joined but became disillusioned and deleted them. I think these past few weeks I’ve seen signs of the old me. At the moment I’m taking it slowly with my meds.
I still feel like something is amiss but me even communicating with you like this is showing big and sustained improvement.
Glad you read it Duke… and glad you’re trying for yourself. I see so many stories on here of people who have gave up all hope and it makes me very sad to see that. I can tell you’re a special one, you hold your head up high. I like that you have a twisted humor about you also, I find it very enlightening.
Thanks for posting it and your story.
For sure. Do you have any other form of contact other than this website?
By telephone, fax, post, carrier pigeon but my preferred method is email.
lol…. I like this carrier pigeon, sounds almost Harry Potterish. Is the e-mail you have listed in fact a true e-mail?
No, it’s not.
I will definitely keep in contact with you 🙂
Sent you one back