i’ve probably been staring at this page for an hour now trying to figure out what i’m suppose to say. I have butterflies in my stomach right now, i googled suicide. plain and simple and a hotline number came up and this site. I’ve only told two people my story that haven’t been there with me themselves. but the people that that we’re “with me” threw it weren’t really with me at all because that might have been there for the things that have pushed me to whee i am but i guess they don’t fully understand. the first person i told, he helped me because he was thinking of it too. but after that night he hasn’t talked to me since. & then my health teacher who approached me after i gave her my favorite poem . she wanted to make sure i wasn’t going to hurt myself. which i’m not … i don’t think. i don’t want my life to end that way but nothing good has come of my life lately. bad news after bad news after bad n e w e s. i don’t want to hear any more bad news in my life. i want more for myself. really i do. they’re are things i want. like to go into the military & have a husband and kids and someone to love me that i can fall asleep to every night. even if i am just a teenage that doesn’t no any better. i want one of those relationships where you think you’re completely in love and you have that one special night that you guys actually take that step in your relationship and have sex for the first time and it actually mean something to you and then you realize later on after you guys break up in that tragic way and you’re heart is all broken into a million pieces . . i want one of those heartbreaking first loves. even tho i know that it’ll be so much pain. i know that more feelings where put into it and meant more then just hooking up with something. you may be heartbroken but at least it wasn’t empty lonely sex. which in my option is worst. …. i’m rambling i’m sorry if you’re reading this i got really off track. but i told her all of this and she was crying and she said she that she could tell for s while something was wrong with me, not like that but she knew that emotionally i was damaged. but here it is. out in the open . … actually no. i was writing it. but i deleted it because writing it is pointless because all of these things that have happened actually don’t matter at all. what matters is that i’m upset with myself now. and i want help. i want to be saved. i want something to come into my life and it actually be good. i need some goodness in my life since i haven’t gotten any lately. this whole year and a half has been nothing but bullshit for me disappointment and i want it to end.
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You want to be saved and have goodness in your life? Below are some links that can change your life.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/adrianwarnock/2005/02/simple-gospel-explained/
http://www.biblebelievers.com/SimpleSalvation.html
I am not going to sugar coat it but your living in one of the most difficult financial, political, and religious times. I am in my 20s and a little older than you so I had a simpler, less technological, less stressful life while I was in High School.
Your bombarded by just about anything and everything every day, not just with your family but whats in the news and through social media. It can be tough but you need to find a way to filter all that crap out. All that negativity will kill your soul.
It sounds like you want something of a fairy tail type relationship or something. While its not unattainable and you will more than likely get your heart broken. But, Its not a kind of pain you should be wanting to experience. It doesn’t just hurt…it makes you sick like in your stomach, like an emptiness that cant ever be filled back up and will drive you to do things and make choices that have the potentials of screwing the rest of your life up. Its like a night of heavy drinking and in the next morning you will swear off alcohol for the rest of your life.
Its programmed into your head to find a husband, get married, and have kids…wanting those things is a good thing. However, All the girls I knew in HS who took this route ended up divorced and miserable with kids when they were 21. If I could give any advice to you it would be to wait until you go to College before you get serious with someone. You will really start to discover who you are in that transition period.
I know what it was like being younger and wanting to experience those things as soon as possible we are always in a hurry to get older, but once you do get older you will spend the rest of your life trying to stay young. Enjoy it while you can!
2013 in general was a pretty crappy year for everyone like unlucky 13 or something but some of the best and most exciting years of your life are coming up. If you do go to college, take in the whole experience.
If all this doesn’t work give Jesus a shout.
i do want that kind of relationship but not just because it’s a typical fairy tail relationship that everyone wants. i want it because i want to know that i’m able to feel something other than this sad depressing shit. i’m so sensitive to everything lately. i cry a lot & i’m a bitter ***** which isn’t any better. i understand what comes with heartbreak more than you think. i’ve been threw it. but not because of something the boy did. i thought i loved him, never told that to him tho. but i thought i did & my “best friend” went and started talking to him and got a huge crush on him. my heart broke the day i found out more because of the fact that she did that to me. that same day i found out the guy that i was trying to talk to, to get my mind off the first guy, stupid me said i love him to his face this day found out that he had a fiancé, he was older, 19. and i cried a little all day, then found that my best friend did this to me. it broke me. this was on top of all this shit in my life that was already happening. i just haven’t felt anything in a long time since that day. and i want to know that i’m able to feel something. thats mainly why i want that kind of relationship. not because it’s perfect because things may seem perfect but they never are. i’ve done that whole drinking and swearing it off thing already too. haven’t drank since lol. you’re right about it being programmed into our head about marriage and blah blah blah but i don’t want any of that until i’m in my thirties, i want to travel. i want to learn to surf. i want to blow my money on concerts and meet new people in different cultures. i want to live before i start settling down. I’m not saying that when i get married and have kids i’m going to stop being myself. but i’m certainly going to have to scale it down. i don’t think i’d be able to go to concert monday night with work and kids to take care of the next day, you know?