I am 18 and just finished high school. I used to think that after high school my life would get better. But now all I want is the distraction it offered. Now I’m home alone all day and all I can do is listen to the voices in my head. I’ve tried distracting myself with arts and crafts and my writing – two things that used to bring me joy – but even that doesn’t help.
A few years ago I was in a very dark place; i cut myself, starved myself, choked myself and even overdosed. Thanks to my best friend I pulled through and tried to enjoy life. These last few months have been a slow downward spiral. I lost someone whom I deeply loved and who was always there for me. I know, sounds like any typical teenage relationship, but D put my happiness above his own and never once in our 1 year 8 months together tried to touch me. Then V, my best friend went away and I was left with no one. I tried to deal with my pain by myself.
I started bottling. Not good, I know, but it worked for me. I even made a new friend who was fast becoming my new best friend. Now he too has pushed me away and my bottle has broken. The last 3 days have been hell trying to push back the tears, but today they finally broke through. My dad got engaged to a woman that treats me like a slave (though no one notices), I haven’t heard from my birth mother in months.
I’ve lost my appetite and I can’t taste anything. I relapsed and cut myself. I want to end it all, but I’m scared of what will happen if I fail again…
Everyone says look to your family for support, but I have one of those families that tells you to stop crying and that I’m only looking for attention by cutting myself. That’s why I started cutting on my thigh, where no one can see it.
I’m tired of this constant pain in my chest. Yes, I know heartache is metaphorical, but it’s started becoming physical for me. It really feels like each heartbeat is a mission and there’s a constant dull pain in my chest. Is it too much to ask that a bus hits me?
4 comments
Don’t give up hope like I did,look at my story we can talk more
HI
I hope you read this.
I am an older person and also a mother.
I want you to know that no matter your age, your feelings are valid and matter.
It makes me so sad to know you feel alone and have depression.
Please know
(continued from above – got booted off)
Please know people here often know what depression feels like and it does not define you but sure feels like it.
I too, understand the slippery slope of spiraling down as you describe…food has no taste, your family wants to ignore how you feel in denial and tells you to stop crying.
I have a different opinion of people saying people like us want attention.
Needing attention is a normal human experience. Without it as babies, we would perish. Without it as developing teens we lose hope and sense of self. Without it as young adults, we lose direction and faith. Without it as older assholes (like me!) we feel abandoned and give up.
Needing attention is a drive that tells us we are human and have to connect for survival. We should help one another instead of denying hope and support.
Teens are the most amazing people – full of ideas and open to the world without set ways and closed minds.
You deserve attention and to be heard. You have the right to seek help.
Who can you go to outside this family of yours to ask for help and remain safe?
Sweetheart, you can spend a lifetime thinking that you will be happy, when X occurs; X being graduation, relationship, leaving home, marriage, child, etc. Yes, you might be happy for a bit, but life is not really like that.
You will always be you. You can use this to think that things will never get better. But you can also use it to see that you have choice and the choices you make have consequences to you. Therefore, your education in life begins with the simple lesson that you do have some choice about how you react to the shattered family situation and every situation.
You have the right to ask for help and to be relieved of suffering. If your family can not help there, you can choose to seek for it elsewhere; in fact, you must do so. Otherwise, where will you find it?
There is a temptation to get sidetracked into regret about why your parents weren’t better parents, etc. We have all been there. But this is unhelpful, because you can not control them now and you can not fixed what they failed to do in the past. The alternative? Seek help now for the very reason that they were not up to the task of parenting. FACT: Fairly few parents in the world are mature enough and generous enough to undertake being good parents. Sex, yes, more than willing. Parenting, not so much. There is little you can do about that. Capische?
Try a couselor, mentor, minster, etc. Talk face to face. It will help.
Good luck and God Bless.
G.W.