Want to Die with Everything in Me

This is my #1 goal in life.  I’m not good at being honest.  I hide the truth because it terrifies me…and before you tell me that is part of my problem.  I’m aware of it.  It also helps me “cope” in whatever weird ways I “cope.”

For the past 16 months, I have been struggling with health problems.  I was severely depressed and barely hanging on before that in a high-stress job with no friends.

At this point in time, it seems very possible for me to live in chronic pain for the rest of my life.  I have no support network.  I could leave my phone off for 3-4 days and receive 0 texts or calls.  My parents are around.  We live in the sort of household where people freely float and barely talk.  It’s secretly stifling.

I’ve never had a significant romantic relationship.  I had a 1 month relationship with a guy when I was 18.  I’m 24 now.  You can say I’m young and there’s still time, but when you have health problems how the hell can you compete when you couldn’t at your healthiest and happiest?  When that wasn’t enough…

I have health problems and no way to support myself.  My health problems are probably not severe enough to place me on disability, but I am in pain every day.  I see little point in supporting myself.  To what end?  To live on in misery?  My health problems are unexplained to a certain extent.  Trust me; it’s a minefield of confusing.  I do not have the financial resources to visit every doctor and I don’t trust them to begin with. Anybody that can profit from your illness is not to be trusted in my opinion.

I’ve been suicidal before, but this is the longest and most severe stretch.  There are days when it’s all I think about.

I’m college educated with 2 degrees.  I graduated magna cum laude.  I worked extremely hard to build a future for myself.  But the only thing that seems certain at this point is pain and misery…