I understand what you’re going through… and I’ve been there myself. When nothing is going right and hasn’t gone right in a while, I wish that others would experience and understand what I was going through. As you wrote, it is selfish… but it’s one way of dealing with things. If it helps you cope, then so be it. As for your mistakes and wanting to die, your mistakes probably aren’t as doomsday as you think. I’ve been in situations before where my self-negativity became my worst enemy… and sometimes a step back is needed to help put things in perspective.