Hey there,
It’s been 9 long months of depression and sleeping disorder caused by breaking up after a loooong relationship.
I had depression again in the past, both when I was a kid, a teenager (excessive pressure from parents) and an adult, for various different reasons, including illness (temporary, but 3 months and loads of meds “worked wonders” on me), but managed to fight them each time.
I also had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid, never tried it though, but I’ve got to admit that I never was closer than I am in these 9 months. Managed to keep living without any attempts, getting professional help since mid-May but suicidal thoughts keep returning and now I’m getting closer to a decision than ever before. I’d only make an attempt if I was 100% sure that I want/need to put an end and that I’ve got everything in control for a definite outcome.
No matter what I’ve tried or what I’ve done I can’t get over it, I can’t find anything real that will help me stay around. I’ve got friends, but I can’t really say it helps, they don’t understand my condition. My family’s helping me in every possible way, but still I just keep trying to get away from them and they also seem to not understand. I’m a business owner, but my depression and my thoughts don’t really let me concentrate on it. I’m gambling a lot just to burn some time and stop thinking. I spend money on miscellaneous things for the same reason. I can’t seem to be able to put my life on track and tbh after these months I think that I’m incapable of doing so and I’m incapable of getting over what I once had and lost.
Anyway, that’s all from me, just thought I could share my story.
9 comments
I also had suicidal thoughts when I was a child. I know how you feel. It’s a struggle. Thanks for sharing your story. Adults can sometimes do things to kids that make them feel suicidal. In my case this feeling never disappeared. Living from day to day was the method I have always used but in my case I have made my decision. Still, don’t let me bring you more down. Not my intention. It is some comfort to know that I haven’t been alone all those years and that being suicidal as a child happens more than I fought
fought=thought 🙂
Dunno if it was their fault or just me not being able to cope with expectations, but yeah having my first suicidal thoughts as a child makes it even harder now. I know exactly this day by day thing you’re mentioning and I’m in it for at least these past 9 months. The problem is that the only person able to make me think positively and actually make me create a bond with isn’t in my life anymore and that’s coz of me.
I have lost the only person I used to be able to share my past with. I have shared it with one other person here online. After about 6 hours on the phone. I also thought nobody could make me feel positive, but some people did. I hope you find someone here that you will be able to bond with. I had carried a secret with me for all those years and was able to tell her. Maybe because she was also female, I have no idea. She was and is the second person I have ever told. The other one has committed suicide and had a similar experience, I also lived with the guilt, maybe it was because we had shared the things we felt and so on and on. I’m not sure what you mean when you say “coz of me”. If you wish to talk, just let me know.
I generally avoid creating bonds with others due to the fear of losing them in the run and I always find ways to push them to leave, or I just leave(being friends or partners).
There is this one person though -and I hope all the best for her- that no matter how hard I tried to make her go when I still could, she’d stay with me, she’d help me recover, she’d show me true love. Basically we grew up together, I met her more than 11 years ago, when we were teenagers. Built a relationship that lasted for about 3.5 years and then we broke up. Wasn’t pleasant at all, but we were teenagers and it was understandable, neither me, nor her could expect to live together without getting to know anyone else.
After staying separate for like 3.5 years or so, we met again and something even better began. We were really in love and having great time. After a couple of years and a few months in bed due to a health condition my fears started showing up. I didn’t want to put an end to the relationship, but I was also afraid that it’d end and thus I found myself doing several things that I shouldn’t. Here goes the coz of me thing I mentioned, I made several mistakes, but I never really understood what she needed in order to move on, I had my own way of thinking. After all, we continued together, but in the last few months I was too much into work and this was the final nail in the coffin.
The thing is that I’ve never felt so close to anyone else, not even to my family. I’ve never valued once words that much and I’ve never felt peace when being close to someone else…
I don’t think you should blame yourself that much, more or less the situation. From what I hear you two were really really close. Have you spoken to her about how you feel now?
Yeah, quite a few times since we broke up. Says she loves too much me but when thinking of us it hurts her more than actually makes he wanna be with me. I tried a lot and I showed my feeling but it doesn’t work. Thing is that I’ve been trying to live in a day-by-day basis since August and every next day just becomes more difficult. I’m steadily loosing interest in my business, in friends, family…
I guess it’s under stable in some way, living with someone who is depressed is far from easy and you should first learn to love yourself before you can even love someone else. So is she now the reason for you feeling this way or do you think it was your situation before her leaving and does her leaving only make it worse. I guess you should try to identify what your problem is exactly, then maybe you can turn things around. I’m not saying it will work, but you could give it a try. I know my situation is a set of different reasons, different experiences that I can’t forget. I’m not sure what your case is
My situation consists of different reasons:
1. As I said I had suicidal thoughts since my early days (like 10-11 y.o). I just wanted to quit back then, was tired of huge expectations and stuff.
2. As a teenager, pretty much same reasons.
3. As an adult I only encountered suicidal thoughts again after breaking up with her. I had self-distractive thoughts and I made such actions before, but not like suicidal. For the fear that I’d lose someone or something I’d just turn my back on it and send it away. Did that with friends and with her. But as I stated she stayed around and tried to help me, you see she’s got that thing that she understood something before I even thought about it.
Right now, my situation consists of both a deep grief of loosing her and my inability to turn things around, I can’t show to my friends and family the way I think, each time I do they just seem either angry on me or indifferent due to their own problems. My therapists helps, but still I can’t cope living without having something to live for.