If I were to cut myself every time I felt low, there wouldn’t be an inch of my body left un-scarred. I honestly don’t know how much more I can handle anymore. I am moments away from breaking down in front of everyone that needn’t see my pain, ever. That’s the last thing I would ever want.
I wish I could tell someone.. but there is no one near to me I would dare tell, so I guess that’s where you come in.
I am stuck in my own goddamned hole. I’d like to think that I wasn’t the only one to dig it, for is depth and lack of light is far too great for one man to create. But at the end of the day I’m the one left to deal with it, left to find a way out.
There is no one I can rely on except perhaps myself and any sort of naive hope that I may have left.
That small bit of shallow hope is all that’s keeping me together. With every small voice heard, I can feel my heart stop for the briefest moment, but forgive me, for I have become over-sensitive with these relentless cruel words. Every scream, every act of violence I deal with in my own home is tearing me apart deep inside. And I just want out.
Yet I cannot obtain it.
All the dreams I had, and still have in fleeting moments, seem unimportant each time I reconsider reality. I cannot make it. I cannot keep myself together until that happens. Even living until I make enough money to pay off the debts I owe so I can be free to jump off a bridge seems too far-fetched.
I want to feel release, relief.
I want to move out.
I want to severe my ties.
I want to cut all of my blood out of my life.
I want to.. I want to.. yet I can’t.
It is impossible if I keep going on like this. I am just here to serve every petty cry within and beyond earshot of those who know me, to be punished for what is beyond my control, to be blamed for things I have not done, to be pushed around and unforgivably kicked down a road which only leads to nothingness.
I feel worthless. They know it and they will not let me forget.
But what they do not know is how torn I am inside. How hurt I am by this love, this goddamned love which I cannot seem to grasp its meaning of. Perhaps it is fake, perhaps I am delirious and its all in my head. But for now it is real, this is how I see it. This is how it is.
Tell me I am weak, tell me. I need to hear it because I can bear with myself no longer.
4 comments
I don’t think you’re weak. Life has worn you down… and you’re suffering the effects of that. All of us have suffered some sort of personal hell… and sometimes things are overwhelming. Chances are, there is a part of you that is still strong. It just takes a lot of effort to find that strength when things are increasingly difficult. Keep looking for your strength and you might find it.
Thank you for taking the time to comment distant.road. Somehow your words were strangely comforting and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate that.
I guess finding the strength to go on is the hard part.. and the motivation behind it even more so.. but I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time on people who are more likely to use my life to gain pity from others rather than grieve my death if I were to take my own life – and that just does not spark any motivation out of me. Yes, sometimes I can ignore it, but other times.. it’s just impossible, let’s say.
So things in life suck! I am not going to say I’m going through what you are going through because I’m not. I have reasons to hate my life just like you do. I’ve never had any friends my entire life. I’ve always been alone. I’m 24 years old and everyday I question whether life is worth it. I know I’m going to sound like a hypocrite but please stop what you are doing! DO NOT CUT YOURSELF ANYMORE. If I could find just ONE friend who genuinely card about me it would mean the world to me. That is what you need to find! Find someone who is going to what to love and embrace yourself for who you are. These people are tearing you down because they either want you to be something your not or are suffering themselves and are taking it out on you.
Be the real you all the time every time.
I don’t think you’re ever wasting your time if you’re trying to find strength. There will always be people who aren’t fully behind you… and they may have various motives for doing what they do. At the same time, it shouldn’t take away from the value of your life… and it shouldn’t be used as a reason to give up. Down the road, when things are looking brighter, it won’t really matter what anyone today thinks.