I Woke Up in an ER

December 9th, 2013, I woke up in an ER. This was literally the last thing I had wanted. When I downed a bottle of sleeping pills the night before I had taken precautions to make sure that was the last thing I was ever going to do. For a while, I thought that was the last thing I was going to do. There had been a real beauty in that thought. A sense of release, the logic of consequences no longer applied. I was going to die, and not have anymore worries and problems forever. True, there would be no more happiness, but there also wouldn’t be anymore crushing sadness or loneliness where I was going.

But I woke up in a fucking ER instead. Now I’m back to dealing with all of these terrible feelings of hopelessness and loneliness, except I don’t have any control over my life anymore  because everyone knows how screwed up I am. Next thing you know I get tossed into a psych ward, and I’m being forced to take these pills and mandatory therapy sessions. Aren’t all these pills and this therapy just a way of duping me into a life of mediocrity and sadness? I wanted to die for a reason. I don’t want to be a whiner, but life’s shitty. Should I just grind through this miserable existence because I’ve been given the “gift” of life? The real gift is death.

In every suicide, I think there is a real beauty. A sort of middle finger to life. I can’t remember who said it, but there’s this one quote about how suicide is the biggest criticism of life. That’s exactly how I’d felt when I tried to OD. I felt like a man for the first time, because I finally summoned up the courage to say enough’s enough to life. Instead of meekly waiting for death to come for me, I’d tried to beat it to the finish line.

But I guess behind all this bitching and a poor glorification of suicide, I’m still looking for a reason to see life through. That’s why I didn’t kill myself the day I got out of the hospital. I’m looking for a reason to live. I’m just torn between my desire to take the easy way out and end it all and my hopes that maybe someday life will get better. I guess I’m writing all this down because I don’t feel like I can talk about this with anyone in my life, and maybe have a discussion about my feelings with people who understand. Thank you for reading this