I feel like ending my life. I feel like I don’t deserve to live because I’m not a good person I’m always unhappy even when things are good. I’m 19 and I recently won a scholarship to go to
School & at first I was super happy but now  I’m about to start in 2 days but I’m not excited anymore (btw it’s my first semester) but it’s like there was so many problems with getting the scholarship in my funds and I had so many issues understanding the the whole process of what was going on with my enrollment and all that stuff. Ugh my problem is that I’m so stupid!!!! Like seriously I’m dumb as a rock I don’t even know how to explain myself to ppl and idk how to listen it’s like my mind is always on a bunch of other crap that it’s hard for me to listen and understand what ppl are telling me. I have no common sense what so ever and I make the easiest things so difficult to do like for example baking simple things takes me an eternity bc I’m Always thinking I’m dumb and slow so obviously I can’t do it. Idk how to act around ppl I get tense nervous and awkward I just care what they are thinking of me that I forget how to act or listen. I’m just going through phase that I should kill myself bc when will I ever change I’ve always had a low self esteem and the older i get the harder it’s  getting for me like now I’m dreading being in classes with ppl bc idk how to act I’m a weirdo I’m dumb ugh I just don’t what to do. And what’s even worse is I have family and friends that love me but I don’t deserve their love bc when they come to me I can’t even think to help them out my advice sucks bc I really don’t know anything. Little life things I don’t know whatsss wrong with me?! I feel like I’m a bad person bc I think poorly of others sometimes and I hate myself for that but I think im like this bc I don’t love myself. I just really think I don’t deserve to live. I’ve tried a lot of things prayer therapy but I feel help less I’ve gone o two therapy sessions and I feel great afterwards but once the hype is over I fall back into A depression state where I can’t stand myself and wished I could be a happy person like my friends and family bc they’re all normal and I’m not
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6 comments
This basically sums me up, too. I’m in my second year of University and I’m the exact same way. I know I’m smart or else I wouldn’t be here in an elitist program; the way I am, though, is contradictory. It took me a while to realize why I am the way I am (just as you described yourself) and now I wonder why I didn’t realize it sooner. All these signs are symptoms of depression. Slow thinking. Trouble focusing. Isolating yourself from others. It makes you feel stupid, naturally, but you’re not – you’re obviously going through a trying time that others struggle to understand.
Even while I write this I’m procrastinating, another side effect of my lack of concentration, but I’m trying…trying to get my head back in the game…So I’m here if you need to talk. If you somehow find a solution to all this, let me know. 😉
Thanks it’s good to know I’m not alone with all this and yes I know exactly what you mean about the lack of concentration I’m such a procrastinator as well! But I’m going to try what you’re doing & get my head back in the game even
though I don’t want too I know it’s what I HAVE to do bc I know there’s no way I could take my life it’s just not right and I’m scared but if ever find a solution to this depression I will def. let you know!
Oh, I know. The temptation to kill myself is overwhelming at times, because I have things so readily available and at my disposal that it’d be so easy. There aren’t any solutions to my problems except for sucking it up, grinning and bearing it. Minus the grinning…Just got to keep my mom in mind and that she genuinely cares about me. Stay strong, friend!
I know how stressful situations like this can be. I’m probably a whole lot younger than you, but I’ve got a low self-esteem too and depression. I suggest talking to a counselor or therapist about your feelings. They should be able to help you.
Thanks for saying that I’m super close to my mom I needed to hear that! It would be selfish to take my life. You stay strong too! If you ever need a friend to talk to email me whenever (:
You’re not stupid… the world is unnecessarily complicated.
I’m glad you’re feeling better now though =)