I’m scared of myself. I want to hurt people. No, it’s not just a want. It’s like a need. A strong, unrelenting urge which is almost impossible to stop. And I don’t just want to hurt them with a slap or something. I want to seriously hurt them. It pleases me. And then when I see people in pain, it makes me happy. It amuses me, and I’ll physically laugh out loud. And I don’t know why.
Just earlier, my mum was downstairs with me and I went into the kitchen for something, and I saw the knives in the cupboards. I picked one up and took it in the livingroom to where my mum was. My hand was shaking as I walked in – though not from fear, but from how firm my grip was on the handle. I knew I wanted to do this, to feel it go into her stomach ever so slowly. But then she turned to me, asked me what I was doing. I sort of snapped out of it, realising what I was about to do and left the room. She went upstairs after that, to go to bed. And now I’m sat downstairs, thinking.
Is it normal for a person who has known someone for almost fifteen years to feel this way? For a daughter to want to do that to her own mother? I don’t know anymore. And it’s scaring me. I’ve been like this for, I think almost four years. Though it’s only been this bad for the last six or seven months. Now it’s even frightening people at school. I’ve already slapped a girl so hard in her face that she had a handprint across her cheek, and the next day I’d smacked her across the back of her head with my water bottle. And the only reason I did it was because she wouldn’t stop talking. Afterwards, I’d realised what I’d done. Now at school when someone near me is talking, I’ll get this twitch in my neck and scream at them to shut up.
I am literally terrified of myself, and I have no idea what to do.
24 comments
Maybe you should try anti-psychotic meds?
Did you think about go to analists?
Hurting other people is a serious issue since we can’t interfere in their lives. Everyone needs to respect, even us. So I would be worried if I were you. Not worried bout going to jail or worring cause she is your mother, but because no one has the right to hurt other people.
sounds like you need to be locked in asylum
If I’m ever in need of an assassin I’ll be in touch.
Wifeisgone, I’ve been told that before, but it hasn’t happened yet.
call 911 the next time you have that urge,,,, they will facilitate you there.
What good would it do to be locked up? That’s very judgmental and in no way addresses the problem. I think that Miss Jiminy needs to perhaps attend therapy, and maybe take medication so that these urges will be more readily controlled. You’re not crazy, you just need a little assistance to set you on the right track.
Right meds should help. Last thing you want is a prolonged hospital stay. That’ll just make you more homicidal. Counseling and meds should do the trick.
Find a counselor before it’s too late and you seriously hurt someone. None of this is normal. Do it now. This is an emergency.
how has counseling helped you?
tell that to the one about to get a knife in her back 😉
I have a psychiatrist and I have a therapist. My first therapist transferred me to the one I have now and contacted the psychiatrist I have now. But the therapist I currently see said she might be transferring me to a different unit instead because she can’t understand me. So it’s not going too well, and this is why I don’t tell them anything. Because when I do open up, they can’t understand and send me to see someone else.
Fantasies mean nothing unless you act on them. Have you ever killed an animal just for fun? Have you ever beaten up someone so badly that they were rushed to the emergency room? Have you ever even been in a fight? What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done (that wasn’t imagined)?
Lots of people have violent, homicidal thoughts. None of that matters unless you act on them. Have you?
Fantasies are often the counterpoint to actions. Many people with violent fantasies are often the least likely people to carry them out. Many mental health profressionals understand this very well.
@duderino; I have fantasies about living on a secluded island and screwing super models. I also fantasize about being a millionaire writer. None of those fantasies have come true.
What happens inside your head means nothing unless you take steps in the outside world to make them come true. I’ve dreamed about killing people too. So what. (You’ll never find the bodies). 🙂
Fantasizing about stuff is like masturbation. – Its only real in your head.
If the OP has *actually* done something, this would be a different conversation. Has she?
this is not just fantasizing, she picked up a knife and walked towards her mother seemingly with the intent to embed it into her torso… and to be harassing the same girl at school with violence. sounds cruel. also doesnt sound like youre suicidal so much as homicidal. if you really were terrified of yourself youd probably ask to be committed, and vent your anger and frustration in an environment youre less likely to cause damage in.
As a victim of intended assault by knife and other objects I just wanted to say something here: as MissMisery said this girl is not merely fantasizing, and she needs assistance to deal with the root of her problems. Sure, lots of people have violent thoughts, but she is taking the next step towards acting them out. To be honest, if she were my daughter I might place her in psychiatric treatment for a while for fear of my own safety. I didn’t enjoy previously living with people who discussed murdering me, so, yeah. Maybe staying at a hospital for a little while, while concurrently attending therapy, might be the best bet.
Fantasizing: Imagining what you’d like to do (without actually doing it).
Big deal, so what. Has she sent someone to the hospital? Killed or maimed anyone yet? Done anything that crossed the line from planning to action? Any history of action?
Imagining what you think you’d like to do isn’t the same as doing it.
If she is afraid of herself it’s because she can’t really control her actions anymore… i agree that she has to at least look for some kind of assistance… the way things are she’s a danger to others and herself (if she can’t control her urges to harm people)
The point I’m making is that it’s best not to wait until she does something serious. She wouldn’t have made this post if she were not fearful of this herself. If she seriously injures someone, or worse, she will have a permanent record and will be placed into prison or an institution (if they can prove that she is mentally unstable), not to mention the mental and emotional trauma she will have to deal with throughout her life. In order to prevent such tragedies it would be best if she seeks help immediately, and perhaps finds a safe environment where she will not have access to materials with which she might be tempted to harm others.
I stand corrected, and on second reading am more in line with persephone’s perspective. The girl has actually committed acts of physical violence against her classmates in school, and her taking a knife in hand with the intention of stabbing her mother — only to be stpped by some internal ‘governance’ — is clearly of a different calibre than simply imagining carrying out violent acts. I think we are dealing with something much more serious than simple ‘violence ideation’. The situation might be controlled by something as simple as ‘impulse control’ –albeit leaving the underline issues intact — but, at least, the immediate physical harm would be off the table; we obviously need much more information to know what the underlying issues are.
It’s very possible you have ADHD. Hah…
Speaking seriously here, though. When I’m off my meds for a while, I develop this intense urge to bludgeon people with a frying pan. I can suppress that to a fair extent, but I wind up acting like a complete asshole towards people, and usually for no good reason at all. I get irritated because people ask me questions, or they’re being too slow, or they’re being boring, or god-knows what else. When I’m medicated, I’m much more pleasant company. I’m probably rather boring, actually.
@ lorax
The urge to bludgeon people with a frying pan only comes up when you forget that you are lorax, and think that you ‘Sam I Am’.
I will not eat them on a plane, but I will bludgeon them with a damn frying pan. Stupid green eggs and ham.