Hey there,
Second post in here and the last days have been tough for me. In this really depressing period I managed to get my shit together, organize my thoughts and come up with a plan for my life, or its end.
I’m giving it a last try, an effort to make me a better man, see if I can make some good for the world and decide if this is something that can give me a reason to keep going on. I’m giving myself till June 1 to reconsider my decision to exit, not out of fear of death but out of my will to give it a try. What does it mean?
1. I’ll try to become a good listener and help anyone needing my attention.
2. I’ll be donating monthly, starting February, in order to help a poor family.
3. I’ll do my best in order to grow my business, giving my partners a good future, with or without me.
4. I’ll keep visiting my therapist and I’ll finally tell him about my suicidal thoughts. Won’t take pills or anything, don’t need em and don’t want them, but finally discussing it with someone in person might help me with a sense of relief.
5. I’ll try to see all my friends, or at least talk to them if they are away (got some people staying abroad).
6. I’ll try to arrange 1-2 trips to places I have marked as “must-visit”.
7. I’ll try to create something good for my family. Dunno what yet, but it has to be something really good, showing them that I care and that -by no means- I don’t consider them responsible for a potential exit.
If this doesn’t help and I wake up on June 1 with the same feelings I’ll start preparing myself for the act.
1. I’ll prepare my letters for the ones I love (probably like 10). I want to make it as clear as possible that nobody’s responsible for me, just myself and my inability to cope with certain circumstances and aspects of my life. I know that there will be people in deep pain and as it happens to many people, this is something that holds me back till now. I also know that it’ll be impossible for them to understand in the beginning but I’d really want some help in order to find ways, words that will sooth them and will make them understand that if it happens it’s what I consider to be the best for me.
2. I’ll prepare my will. I’ve got things to leave behind, I need everything to be organized and I want certain people to get certain things. I want to be fair to those who are fair to me.
3. I’ll find the best day and place. I want to be alone and I might do it while on a trip to my favorite place. If I do it on a trip I may try to make it look like an accident or at least something I didn’t prepare. This might make people feel better, but it excludes step 1. I know my exit method, it’s not anything really difficult, it’s one of the most common methods with one small addition that will make it sure that I don’t panic or anything. I hate leaving unfinished things.
That’s all for now, I guess I’ll be keeping you posted with further additions to the plan and with updates on how it’s going.
12 comments
7. I’ll try to create something good for my family. Dunno what yet, but it has to be something really good, showing them that I care and that -by no means- I don’t consider them responsible for a potential exit.
The only good thing you could create for your family…would be to live a good life…and show gratitude every day. I don’t know you…but I’m pleased about most of your other goals. Who knows…sometimes when we surrender…we get our answers.
I am a survivor myself. I came here over 2 years ago now…before I made my final attempt…and I am glad I stuck around thanks to some kind Souls here. I certainly agree with your no drug theory as well…with one exception. My doctor prescribed medical marijuana…and that one I will take. It slows my mind down enough to be coherent to me. hahaha But then again…it is grown in the earth…not a lab.
The only way therapy can help you…is if you are present and active in the process.
If you could have the answer to only one of your myriad why questions answered…which question would it be?
Good Luck
Love and Light
Amakua
By creating something good, I mean something good for their future, not in the meaning that will substitute me or my presence but something that will help them in the future, something that will stay as a form of a legacy.
Yeah medical marijuana would be an option, but it’s not really an option as any form of marijuana is illegal here.
If I finally decide to go I will make sure to not survive, but till June 1 I will make sure that I give it a real try. If by that day I wake up and I don’t feel like living with a gap in me I will reconsider. If none of the things I listed helps it probably means that I can’t get any real help.
Dunno, choosing only 1 question is really tough. I’d need time to think. Would you be able to determine just 1 question for yourself?
May I suggest one more thing to add to the list? Why not set out to help one person to stop their own plan of a final exit– I mean someone who is very serious and in danger to themselves…helping that person in a real and attentive way? I wonder what one might garner from pulling someone from the proverbial “edge” considering you, yourself, are standing on that same edge right now… You seem like someone who really cares about people. Your writing reflects a person that has quite a caring heart and I must say- there are truly not enough people like that in the world. What if everyone in the world were more like you? What a much better place this world would be. I can say with conviction that I very much hope that in these next six months some light trickles into your life and you become encouraged because it would be a shame to lose such a caring heart.
treebythesea, first of all thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I do care for people and I’d love to help others. Your idea is great but truth is I feel nowhere close to being able to help someone stop his/her final exit and the only reason is that I can’t say things that I don’t believe in. Probably most people being so close to the edge have suffered a lot, probably a lot more than me and have tried things like my plan and didn’t work out.
I’m sure though, that if plan finally helps me change my mind then I’ll be more than able to help others understand that it’s at least worth a final effort.
Yes, I understand the feeling all too well of being at the end of my rope and truly having no desire to wake up another day and try again. It is such a difficult pain to describe. I, too, am pulling at straws in my own life. It is difficult to summon the energy to help another person when one can barely help themselves. I suppose the thought came to me because I have been sitting with a friend of mine who is 32. He has cancer and very much wants to live. He is in terrible physical pain. He loves life and never complains. Its ironic because I have no ailment accept this imperceptible hole in my soul and no idea how to heal it…and every day I think how much of a relief it would be to die and have peace. What keeps me from carrying out a final departure is this little glimmer of hope. Until it totally ceases to exist I just cant give up…because I mean, what if? What if there is some turn around somehow, someway? Maybe something will emerge in my life that will bring me back to life…because while I have been this way for some time– there are things over the years that moved me and made me feel passionately about life. So maybe it will return. Is there anything in your life that when you think about it or recall it, you feel even the tiniest bit of joy, or inspiration or even hope? I would like to hear about it.
Yeah, this what if is so true. This is why I came up with my plan, to see if I can change something, if I can see this glimpse of hope.
Joy… Depends on what we’d call joy. If we’re talking about fake smiles and supposed to be good times, I’ve got some of those. However, when I wake up or when I return home it just feels empty. I used to have a very special connection to someone (my ex-girl), we actually grew up together (met her back in 2002, I’m now 26) and she was the only person I ever showed the real me, the only person I created a real bond with but we’re no longer in each other’s life.
your plan sounds good to me. It’s weird how my final decisive date is close to yours… I don’t want to tell mine, but I swear it is !
The points 4 and 5 look like the best for me, if you wanna succeed this last attempt to reach hapiness.
Good luck
At first I thought of 26/04, but it’s too close and I want to give it a real shot.
Yeah 4 & 5 are really important, but I feel the other points are important too in my plan.
Dear theunknown777,
Impressive, May you find true meaning in you humble acts. You are a great man with amazing potential. If you stumble at all before june please write. We need as many people in the world with that mindset! Imagine if those thoughts of putting everyone before ourselves became contagious! The world…well it would be different.
OnlyLOVEisReal, thanks so much for your kind words. I’m not that great though, I’m just a lost soul trying to find some peace and a reason to not quit.
@theunknown777, hadn’t read your post yet but it has moved me a lot. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m happy that it moved you, however in these (few) days it hasn’t really helped me, each and every day is a struggle.