You know that rusty, old, broken down jalopy that should have been scrapped years ago? Well, some people just hang on to broken down things like that because they’re feeling sentimental about whatever item. But… if it doesn’t run, it’s rusty and broken down and it’s ugly like hell, what’s the point of keeping it? It’s costing that family a fortune just to store it and for no reason. It will never be fixed, it will never run again. It’s an embarrassment to even have around.
That crappy, junky old car is me. Â My family spends all their effort and money to keep me alive. I’m broken down, in every way possible. I need to be sent off to a junk yard (or heaven!) where I can finally rest. Instead, my loving family that I am not at all deserving of, just come running to fix the tires that have gone flat, sand off the rust, etc. even tho the car is nothing but a pile of junk and there is no amount of paint and no mechanic in the world that can fix it.
My point is, I’m useless on this planet, there is definitely no hope for me to succeed in any way or even for my mind to heal. I know now that all that the future will ever hold for me is nothing. I know this from experience. Every year my life gets even more intolerable. It’s been going on this way for many, many years now. So why must I continue to live in tortured agony every second of my life? I wish that my family could just understand that there is nothing for me here, I really don’t belong and then they could rejoice for me when I leave this earth.
47 comments
I know exactly how you feel. I’m 27 and I’ve concluded this already. I’ve recently had 2 failed attempts….neither of which anyone I know is aware of. However both of which on paper should equal only one outcome. I was literally baffled when I woke up. These weren’t attention seekers or anything like that either. These were calculated.
I am sick as a chip, what must I do!?!
Awe Lemonson I’m sorry to hear that. I know, I’m also very sick and don’t know what to do either. I feel like it’s really just a matter of time until I take my life. I have felt this way for so many years and now I’ve taken all that I can take. :'(
Dear cagedtiger,
Never trade the unconditional love for the conditional acceptance that you feel for yourself. To hell with money, your family would rather have you than money. You are in a wonderful place to start on the road to survival. Do not base the future on the outcomes of today or yesterday. Ask investors about that. Past results do not garentee future results, that works both ways.
🙁
Reading this made me sad.
You are your own mechanic and your loving family is the pit crew, You are not in this alone, shed the blindfold! As you admit you are your own worst enemy, stop standing in your own way! Embrace life and all that your family does for you, you do deserve it
Thanks cadgedtiger but I think we’re all in similar boats lol I’ve personally never escaped deep suicidal depression for very long periods at all throughout my life and within the last year I’ve thrown myself into the depths of a massive valium addiction. I’ve properly messed up with this one and I simply cannot put my family through my admission and recovery (which would be very long). I’ve never ever felt so alone as I have recently and it’s a bit of a relief just to be writing this, because none of my friends have any idea where I’m at. I’m always the one having a laugh, game for most things and not particicarly introvert.
But inside it’s a different story all together as I’m sure you’re all aware. It does just feel like a matter of time before I implode. The sad thing is I just kind of accept it now, I stopped being able to cry years ago, we’re just born a bit damaged eh!
I’ve certainly used the car analogy for myself.
I’m like a wrecked Ferrari, which has been driven like it was stolen, and off-road, no less.
People who want and are able to properly appreciate a Ferrari, do not want one that has been so thoroughly abused.
The best i can hope for is to be someone’s superfluous, garage-bound, dust-covered project car… while they spend most of their time daily-driving their jacked up 4×4 truck, or their ultra-efficient compact import sedan.
Materialistic things eventually run their course. But do people?
I guess I don’t really know. We may feel like our cause is hopeless. Maybe we feel like there isn’t even a cause at all. But it seems like there is usually somebody, most of the time family, who does believe in our purpose. Is it fair either way to yourself or family – to leave life and be done or to stay here and be void?
People are also material things, organic things, and we will eventually expire. Prior to expiration, we will deteriorate and decay, losing our once youthful usefulness, along the way.
People do “run their course,” but that course is rarely what the people think it will or should be.
“People do run their course but that course is rarely what the people think it will or should be.”
Indeed so.
@ OnlyLOVEisReal Thank you for your encouraging words. I wish I could see things that way. I hate that my family spends money on me. I hate the burden that I am on them. I know that they’d rather shoulder the burden of me than have to grieve losing me. That is so sad that they’ve been saddled with a daughter like me. I know that everyone’s life would have been much better if I wasn’t in it.
@ lemonson I know just how you feel. I’ve suffered with depression for my whole adult life and probably some of my childhood too. I also take quite a few benzos throughout the day. I used to only take them to sleep, but the last month or so I’ve been taking them several times a day, otherwise my heart races and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack from the anxiety attacks. Also, it helps to numb the pain a bit. Your benzo addiction is not the end all that you may feel like it is. You can take measures to stop using them or to reduce your usage if you want. Just reduce very gradually. It can be dangerous to stop taking benzos abruptly. I have quit using other things in the past and tho it can be difficult, it can definitely be done without causing too much pain. Just go slow when you’re ready.
@ clevername I know just what you feel like. I have always felt like a rusty old car. No amount of compliments or kind words will ever change how I feel. It’s not just the outside that’s messed up, but even more so the inside. It’s my mind that I mostly feel can’t be fixed. I think I’ve just reached a point of sickness that can’t be reversed or cured. I’m sorry that you feel that way too. I know that there are people out there who would see you for all that you’re worth, which is much more than you’re giving yourself credit for. You are obviously very intelligent, understanding and caring. You have a lot to offer. I’d be happy to meet someone like you.
@ w.i.g. I emailed you.
If i was your family, and we were talking to you over dinner about you hating that we spend money on you, what are some of the reasons you would list to us? Is it really hate of their actions(spending money on you) or is it just you are scared?
OnlyLoveisreal I hate knowing that I am bleeding them dry of their retirement money. I am not worth it. I don’t deserve a single penny that they earned with their blood practically. And by them doing so it just shows me even more what a loser I am that they are the only reason that I’m not living on the street.
They have been supporting me for the last 3 years. I was assaulted and had my hand broken in half, so I lost my job and since my hand is now disabled, work doesn’t come easily. Plus, even tho I worked for the 20 years previous to this happening, I was a screw up and they bailed me out so many times during that time. I had my daughter 20 years ago, so I was always a struggling single mom and I chose many wrong paths, so that only added to the struggles. God, I’m just such a loser and such a waste of a human being. I really hate myself more than I could ever hate anyone else. I actually have a lot of love for others. Just not any for myself.
Thank you for listening. I know it’s boring stuff and I really appreciate your time.
It is not boring stuff, listen to passion in your words! Your parents love you, not their money. If they shared your view of the future with regards to money they would be suicidal. But, they know their job is to be there for you. In doing this they lead by example. Providing food, shelter and support for their daughter.
Ask your parents if they ever chose the wrong paths? I am sure like all of us they stumbled at points. You made foolish decisions in life, ok. That is not justification to commit suicide. Life can be hard, that is fine. Write some goals down, long term and short term and brainstorm on how to achieve them.
2 OnlyLOVEisReal I feel too broken and destroyed to even think about goals or any sort of future. I am a loser, maybe even one of the biggest losers in Montreal. My goal is to stop existing. Thank you for your kind reply. I may show up at an ER room soon, because I think I’m really going off the deep edge and I’m sure that I’m having some sort of nervous breakdown. I don’t eat anymore and have lost 15 lbs already this month. I was already a too skinny vegan. I barely sleep and I survive on anxiety pills. I really hate myself. I probably need to be in a psych ward or just dead. I don’t know. Thank you again for your effort and time on someone not worth a second of anyone’s time. You are very generous.
Are you feeling depressed and/or suicidal? I don’t really know anything about your story and what brought you here to this website. I’d like to hear anything that you’d like to share.
Top of the morning to you cagedtiger!
My story in a paragraph or so. i am Not Suicidal, but i was worse. I profiteer off other peoples misery. I could of been and still could be one of the worlds worse people. One day i saw the pain in the eyes and heard the sorrow in the voice of someone that was caught up in one of my actions. This was a turning point in my life. Who am i do decide anyone’s fate for them. Why use violence when i can use words and actions to help instead of destroy. I had become what i paid to rid the world of. I learned we all have demons. Many of us Keep our selves in the dark believing there is noway out but death. There is. I changed. I read. I thought. My new life started a little over ten years ago. It wasn’t always natural to be kind, it is a learned behavior just like hate.
Since then i have been doing a lot of reading and work. I came up with a game plan a couple years ago to start some type of Counseling service in my home town, i am going to try my hardest to make it free for those that need or want. Possibly building it into a shelter for those that need a break. I am here because i need to learn what is like to be in others shoes first. All of you help me understand the issues facing the world outside of mine. With this knowledge i will become better at assisting others(i believe) and i will take this, your experiences and survival stories and pass them on to others in a person to person setting. Much like here, just in a place that they can leave home to come to.
I want my family’s understanding and blessings to leave this earth. I am sick, I have many different issues with mental illness and living this existence is pure torture for me. I have been existing in agony for too many years and I’m at my breaking point. Can’t my family give me the gift of peace? I need to leave this world and to rest in peace. I’m so worried that God won’t have me tho. I’m too… just YUCK. :'(
I no longer eat like a normal person, because I can’t. In a week, I have maybe enough food for half a day. I am not a normal person, that’s why. I don’t even have a car. I can’t drive. It breaks my heart to be such a loser. Not the reason that I want to die, but just another example of how much of a disgrace and a non human that I am. I woke up at 4am today, barely slept and cried the first thing when I woke up, just like every day. I’ve only been up for 3 hours now and I’ve spent half the time crying. This has been going on for 20 years and I need to be released from this life. If God won’t have mercy on me and take me through some natural cause, I will have to try to go to Him. I have ordered my lime sulfur and now I’ll just have to wait for it to come so I’ll have it when I need it. PLEASE GOD, HAVE MERCY ON MY TORTURED SOUL AND TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU. I know that I followed wrong paths and that I’m just terrible, but maybe I’m just very sick. Or very selfish. I don’t know. :'( :'( :'(
God will always love you. That is why Gog is God. However, i believe God wants to to to here to be here to learn. The the lessons are the toughest is when you can learn the fastest.
Nobody is normal so no need for you to compare yourself to anyone else. with this said look at those that have traits that you like, and incorporate those ideas into who you are.
When you restore your will to live, appetite for will will return.
You are not a loser! You Just need some support. Open yourself to more than one type of healing, There are different stages of healing that require different solutions.
It is ok to cry, even if you don’t seem to know why.
You say you followed some wrong paths, great! You See that, learn from it and step of that path, the next 100 paths may be just as challenging but you will make it, if you want to.
I sure God will have mercy on your soul, right now it may be hard to believe but life could be worse. You can express yourself that is a great, start, you have shelter with a family that seems to me to love you, and there is food to eat, if you so chose. Sounds like a great place to start on a new journey in life.
Throw the lime sulfur out when it arrives, you do not need that!
let me rewrite that first couple lines, the typos make it so can not even understand what i was thinking
I believe God wants you to be here to learn. The lessons that are the toughest are the ones you learn the most from in the shortest time frame. God didn’t Set you in this hard life without the support you would need to make it through
cagedtiger,
easy on the that rusty, old, broken down jalopy that should have been scrapped years ago please! I’m getting up there in the years. by the way what are you like 16 or something? 🙂 jk , I feel you, you seem really to be in touch with my way of thinking ha ha, look it’s not easy I think about doing myself in everyday! and I have no problems! I’m just tired 🙁 but here’s the deal while you are here take care of your chASSis for your sake and theirs, HEY here’s my email recycling1000@yahoo.com, I would like to talk to you about the lime sulfur? that doesn’t sound like a good way to go! also maybe if we talk for awhile as friends it may help? I did it with others and they are still here.
OnlyLOVEisReal: hey stop drinking what ever it is your drinking I can hardly understand what your saying with all those typos!!! jk you give good advice.
cagedtiger,
easy on the that rusty, old, broken down jalopy that should have been scrapped years ago please! I’m getting up there in the years. by the way what are you like 16 or something? 🙂 jk , I feel you, you seem really to be in touch with my way of thinking ha ha, look it’s not easy I think about doing myself in everyday! and I have no problems! I’m just tired 🙁 but here’s the deal while you are here take care of your chASSis for your sake and theirs, HEY here’s my email recycling1000 @yahoo.com, I would like to talk to you about the lime sulfur? that doesn’t sound like a good way to go! also maybe if we talk for awhile as friends it may help? I did it with others and they are still here.
OnlyLOVEisReal: hey stop drinking what ever it is your drinking I can hardly understand what your saying with all those typos!!! jk you give good advice!
Yes rocket man, my blind eye and deformed fingers are not conducive to typing, but my heart is here! With time and practice i may be able to articulate as well as some others there.
Keep fighting the good fight Rocketman! I appreciate all you do here for everyone!
I just looked up the MSDS on Lime Sulfur.
Cagedtiger, you want nothing to do with this! Throw this stuff out.
OnlyLOVEisReal,
my blind eye and deformed fingers!!! awwww! I’m sorry sweetie!! you type just fine better than me 🙂 thanks for your encouragement! I am very busy I used to be a regular on here but most of the time I’m at work and can’t access SP. so I try to find a few friends for email and try to help them and myself! it seems to work a lot of them got thru their problems and are now busy living life ha ha! me too! we all need someone we can trust and listen too! poor baby sorry about your fingers 🙁 and eye! I can’t hear worth a shit I lost the speech frequency 🙁 from loud music I use to sing in bands volume always on 10!! ha ha! now I can’t even hear TV I can’t understand what they are saying or conversations with people! very annoying! but I still sing fine! 🙂 that’s one of my pleasures. kisses sweetie oh please don’t ask about hearing aids I hate them!!!
Your reply is exactly what i try and open peoples eyes to! Use our crap experiences to help others out of where they are, or even better steer them clear of where we have been! Forgiving and loving our selves comes with giving to others!
The fingers and eye are just how life works, in my trade it happens. I will continue till i need to do something else. Life is full of surprises!
OnlyLOVEisReal God does give us more than we can handle it seems. Just take a look around this website. :'(
I actually think that detergent suicide is one of the quickest and most painless ways.
Rocketman I’m so sorry at the troubles that life has given you, but at least you somehow sound like you’re doing fairly well. You must be a very strong person.
cagedtiger,
i agree, look around at this website. God has supplied us with a way to come together and discuss the troubles of our lives. Someone started and maintains this site for us. That is a tool in its self. Then add Rocketman’s outreach!
That is more proof that there are people here to assist you.
Cagedtiger, u sound like me only my son is younger. But i understand how trapped and frustrated you feel. How exhausted. How it hurts all the time. How you don’t want to be supported by your parents, as i also am….just because i’m sick. Funny too that i have become a bone rack of a vegan…….weird. I woke up from an attempt last week with nothing but more empty feelings and sore kidneys to show for it. And guilt over my boy. My point is, you aren’t alone.
If u r unsuccessful its worse than before.
That was written really beautifully, thank you for this contribution OP.
They should have put you on the TV show Pimp My Ride.
now, enough of that suicide chat,.,,, call me, Im at home now.
Enough of the suicide chat? *wry grin* isn’t that why we are all here? What brought us all to this site so to speak? For some of us, myself for example, its just a stopwatch ticking down to when…….its not an “if” thing. I thought things would get bather when i left the abuse…..
@ OnlyLOVEisReal I’m so sorry that I didn’t respond to your previous post. I didn’t see it until just now. You must have thought it terribly rude that I didn’t respond. I’m sorry. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can’t imagine you ever having been anything but an extremely caring person. If you made mistakes in the past, first of all, we all did. Secondly, you’re certainly making up and more for anything that you could have done. I think that you always had that kindness inside you and that’s why you feel guilty for past experiences that you have had. I have done many terrible things in the past, not necessarily things that have hurt others, but definitely things that I’m so ashamed of and would not share with too many people. That is so wonderful that you have a goal to help people like that. I’m sure that you would change a lot of lives. Some people who are suicidal can actually be helped and those are most likely the ones who would come to you for help. What a giving person you are. I hope that you can get some government funding to help you with that. In Canada, the government publishes a huge book listing all of the grants that one can apply for when they’re starting a business or charity. There are many that you can be eligible for. For example, age (if you’re older or younger), if it’s your first business, if it’s charity type, etc. Are you in the US? They prob have that there too.
What do you think is wrong with the sulfur? I haven’t read anything to deter me from choosing that way? Oh and your typing is great, but I hope that you aren’t in pain from your injuries. 🙁
@ ClairDeLune Thank you for your comment. It’s exactly how I feel and I think how many others here may feel as well.
@ wifeisgone I’m sorry, I can’t call today. I really can’t stop crying and when I have called in the past, I’ve made sure that it was at a time that I was composed enough to actually have a conversation. That is a big reason why I don’t call too often. I’m crying most of the time.
@ LostnBroken ((((hug)))) I’m so sorry that you’re living through what you described. I really do understand and it is just pure torture. How old is your son, if I may ask? My daughter will be 20 in April. I feel the same exact way that you wrote, for me I know that it isn’t an “if”, but more of a “when” for me too. I’d really like to be able to find a way for my family to understand why I can’t continue on with this life so they won’t suffer, but possibly be happy for me to be free of this torturous existence. Are you really vegan too or did you just mean that you’re as skinny as a vegan could be? Another question, did you make that comment about things being worse if you don’t succeed at the attempt because your life has gotten worse since trying? I feel SO bad for you.
@ Duke of Marmalade You’re funny.
@ rocketman Are you feeling okay tho or do you really feel like ending your life? What a shame that would be, you seem like such a caring and sweet guy.
@ everyone I sincerely wish that I could take away all of the suffering from all of you. I don’t think that I’d wish this torture on my worst enemy. Even the person who assaulted me and destroyed my hand. :'(
@cagedtiger……i really am vegan…..but will eat eggs from hens from local farmers who let them out free to do what hens are meant to do. No cages, just maybe a coop at night. Not that i’ve been able to eat. 5’4″ n 103lbs. My son is what keeps me fighting……he’s only 5.5……yet i wonder if someone less sick might b better for him. He’s never asked about my scars, and he’s frighteningly smart so i think he knows……what am i teaching him? So its not just me that’s “bleeding” my single retired mother dry….there’s two of us. At my age is there even time to get the pieces back together? I feel nowhere close to healing never mind moving forward…….
And yes things got worse aft trying. A lot of guilt. A lot of kidney pain. And a lot more hating myself cuz i couldn’t even do THAT right.
@ LostnBroken Awe, sweetie I’m so sorry. Your son needs YOU right now. He is young. Nobody can replace his mommy. I know what you mean tho. I feel like such an inadequate mom, I feel like she was cheated by being raised by me. But, SHE says that I’m her favorite person and other nice things to me often. She also says nasty things to me often, but hey, she’s still a teenager. Point is, trust me on this one, your son does need you and tho you may think that you’re not giving him enough, by being alive you are giving him what he needs. His mother. I’m not trying to be pushy and talk you out of it or anything, I am just very honest and direct on this site and that’s how I really feel.
Isn’t it just the worst fu@king feeling in the world to be supported by our retired parents? Omg, just for that alone, I feel like dying.
Are your kidneys going to be okay?
Oh and that’s GREAT that you’re a vegan! I love to hear that. Every vegan saves hundreds of animals from suffering! I can’t stand to know of humans or animals suffering. At my friend’s sanctuary some people do pick up the eggs to eat, that’s def not cruel. I just don’t because I haven’t had an egg in maybe 20 years so I just find it kind of gross, but it’s not wrong if they’re living a natural life and someone picks up the unfertilized eggs. Other animals eat them too.
*shrugs* time will tell. Not if the little buggar keeps jumping on em to wake me up every morning 😉 the next blood test for lithium will tell. I’m not going to tell my Dr, or i’m going to b put back in hospital again and it really is useless being in there. Get this: they took my belt(which i reeeaaallly need now)….but left me my shoelaces…..hmmmm. Someones thinking. Idiots. But u are right….to go through what we did, then for me to take his mom…..makes me worst of all doesn’t it?
Hospitals suck. They really don’t know how to treat people in our situation much of the time. I won’t even get into my experiences but def not good.
No, it doesn’t make you the worst at all. It makes you the best actually, for having the courage to leave and for loving your son so much.
Btw, they KEPT your belt??? Or are you still there?
If that sulfur crap had gotten here already, I think today might have been the day. I just can’t take anymore of this existence. :'(
Dear cagedtiger,
I humbly ask you to throw that stuff out. I can’t say i can help you, but i guarantee i will listen to you. E-mail me anytime, I am on the ocean and we loose internet here and there but i will respond. captiansquirrel123 at gmail dot comm.
Onlyloveisreal I haven’t received it yet anyways. I bought it online. I don’t have the capabilities to deal with life or even to be a normal person. I want to have it here for that moment that I find that I have the courage to do it, because I know that it’s going to be the scariest thing ever and I’ll need to have a lot of guts to actually do it.
Normal person? be careful of that statement. Do you know how screwed up the normal people of the world are? The are just like us, except they don’t talk or write about their problems and project their “normality” on those they view as different from them. Damn, also that is captainsquirrel123 if you want to write. look i can’t even type my email address i have been using for 10 years correct. It sounds like to me, the let downs of life repeating themselves till the day you are suppose to die (other than at your own hands) you find scarier than that of the scary suicide.
You’re so right on both counts. I believe that everyone has some form of mental issue and normal is a very hard word to define. Normal is the act that most people put on to hide their problems so they can fit in. But I’d be happy to go back to the times when I was always smiling and feeling more happy than sad. If that’s normal, I’d take it.
You’re also right about fear of just what else life is going to throw at me. It has been a horrible 20 years. Some good times, but nothing close to good enough to erase the years of abuse and mistakes and trauma. I do find living much scarier than leaving. But the guilt over my family having to endure pain is killing me. Even tho I really believe that if my family was an apple, I’d be that rotten spot that everyone just cuts out and throws away. That’s me. Rotten. Garbage. I actually want to be cremated and I want my ashes thrown into a garbage dump. Nobody would do it for me, but that’s where I want my burnt, disgusting self to go, right where it belongs. In the garbage. But ironically, I want my soul to go to heaven. Aren’t I the messed up one?
I hope that you’re having a good day and I thank you so much for listening and talking to me. I rarely spend even a moment talking to my real life friends, SP has been the only place that I have to lean on and be my real self. Thank YOU so much for that.
“Normal” is when you can carry on with an average life. “Sick” or “ill” is when you can’t. When you need help with the everyday stuff. And that’s what it is. An illness. Like cancer. Or diabetes. Hope u had a good day Tiger
LostnBroken Exactly. I would love to just be able to blend in at least, do things that everyone else does that we actually need to do to survive. I just want to be an average person going about daily life, with average ups and downs. I don’t live like that. I’m really not even living at all. I barely am able to do the smallest things. Things that people can do without even thinking about it, cause me a world of stress and misery. Mental illness IS the same as any other disease/sickness, but it isn’t really seen the same way. People just think, Oh, it’s all in your head, just think positive. Um… ya sure, easy for you to say maybe, but nearly impossible to do. Mental illnesses need to be treated like any other disease, and even then, they can’t always be treated. Then besides whatever illness any of us has, there’s also life circumstances and those are only somewhat in our control. And we can’t erase the mistakes of the past… those can leave lifelong effects.