I no longer seem to even try. all ways have contradictions, all ways are lies. the truth, as i’ve extracted out of them, is: they are born out of desire to escape this misery or to reach to a destination. this very desire makes them fail. i can from this moment start making some change in my life in order to better up my situation, but its thoroughly a lie. my desire makes circle with effects of change, and my real self remains untouched, unchanged. thus this method is bound to fail over time, as a lie cannot sustain itself for long. something needs to change this self, the source of all problems. but, you know, that’s paradoxical. a self wanting to change itself cannot change itself. its always something else that changes it. something from outside. things like love, faith (in a greater thing) etc. that’s also the reason for duality of teacher-student. a person cannot be simultaneously both his teacher and student. he can either lead or follow. i cannot both figure out what to do next and do it. atleast not in the moment-to-moment case.
what is real in all this? how to bring real changes? real is that that has no contradiction. real is that that goes through all this without once looking back, without once having to switch to unreal things when things don’t work out. real is the way of heart. real is innocence. all that which i’ve long lost. was it my mistake? or was that bound to happen? they were so close to me that i never looked beyond them, i never need to look beyond them. and when school ended and we got into different colleges, i found myself all alone. how could i maintain innocence in that? after that, way of society was enough to instill corruption into me.
anyways. there are people who bring real changes, but they are people who follow. i cannot follow. but i can create. its my escape from things that corrupts things, my greed for freedom, my tendency to take shortcuts.
my trust in Buddha.
my escape from reality and dreaming otherworldly dreams. the seeking of my mind faster than that of body. my desire to know the end, the answer to ultimate questions. wasn’t my mind always ahead of my body? didn’t i have this fear of having difference between theory and practical, between word and act, even then? how could my body catch up with my mind with all those weaknesses, those fears? it was hard, impossible, to establish synchronicity.
but then i was ignorant. now i know. can i do that now? is synchronicity now possible? i seem to think it is. but that can well be my never ending hope speaking. can i become a non-seeker?
am i a non-seeker?
10 comments
You’re posts are too complicated for me to grasp.
If I could understand what it was to have that burning desire for the things in life that people on this site have I don’t think I’d be here. I have to take drugs to feel like that. People sometimes call it being a cry baby when you say you’re going to throw in the towel because you can’t have what you want all the time.
i only want that things fall into places. i actually had such a time in past, for a brief 2 years, so i know how its like.
it seems we are opposites. i want to get rid of these desires.
Perhaps everyone gets undone in the end. I feel dead and find it difficult to do normal things. Any improvement is welcome. I’ve never felt lonely. I don’t think I’m a sociopath, what people say isn’t true. There is a part of my brain thats my achilles heel. The clues are there. Only drugs that interfere with certain neurotransmitters work for me. Compulsive behaviour like gambling has something to do with it. I think I’m beginning to understand more. But no, despite how it appears, I’m not well enough to even appreciate emotions or objects of desire. That’s why I never talk about the things like relationships, friends and although I mention my finances there’s no real emphasis on money. If I could just want these things like most normal people I’d be ok. I’d never steal even if I had nothing, don’t manipulate people yet I feel like I should be guilty for living when I actually live like a saint. All these people who say whatever, don’t have a clue.
Why do you want to be like us? I’m honestly envying you. To not feel emotions, that’s…
Don’t you see a majority of people here are suffering simply from emotions. And all that is very impermanemt, essentially a lie. Just a little change of chemicals in brain and they’ll all start feeling happy again.
Have you tried meditation? Its best for those who feel disconnected from this world. A source of bliss that isn’t dependent on outside world in any way.
Anxiety and depression are a different kind of hopelessness. If you don’t know what it’s like, how can you envy me. That would be like me saying there isn’t much wrong with anyone here and no one would like that.
Meditation won’t work with me. There’s a chance it could if things improved but otherwise there’s no chance. All of things you talk about in your posts are only options that become available for me when I improve or otherwise forget it. So bassically I have to improve and become more competitive just to be in your situation let alone average. If I carry on the way I’m going there’s a real chance of that happening.
I don’t have loose morals. So, if I say I don’t have emotions, that I could kill someone and forget about it the morning I’m a bad person. No, just because they seem weak doesn’t make them better. That’s kind of annoys me because the truth is, I wouldn’t know how to be selfish. It’s actually they who are more selfish a characteristic often found in strong people.
That was my immediate involuntary reaction. but you’re right.
You mean you first need to create desire of achieving something.
Suppose you try meditation once and it gives your mind peace, won’t that create automatic motivation in you to try it more often? I’m not sure if it will ; maybe i took it for granted that everybody likes those things.
i’m not sure what you mean by improving, but good luck with that.
You sound as confounded by the ideas of zen/buddhism as I sometimes find myself. I don’t consider myself as belonging to anything really, but the ideas of zen are the closest I’ve ever found to what I agree with. It’s almost the nature of the thing that it goes in circles. Yes, the first second you decide to start doing something to improve your life, you actually end up walking in circles. There is nowhere to lead yourself to. There is nowhere to go. Buddhism teaches that desire to be something else or somewhere else is exactly what causes human suffering, the belief that you are not ok where you are and who you are right now and that you need to start off on some journey to arrive somewhere else. That is suffering, because that type of thinking in the human mind never ends. You’ll reach whatever destination you think you need to be at and then immediately find something else wrong and set off on another journey. Buddhism itself is one huge contradiction because followers of it put on their fancy orange robes and study the ancient texts and participate in rituals and ceremonies and seek out their own enlightenment experience… all things that Buddhism itself tells you are silliness. There are no special clothes and no special rituals, this is all how the ego works within people, making them feel special if they put on a certain cloth and participate in a certain thing. Buddhism teaches to laugh at that type of Buddhism.
I fall prey to the same trap as you in believing that there is some way to “think” your way out of this. I think the real goal is in the other direction – you need to think less. There is no answer that you are ever going to find. I guess this is where meditation comes in, the practice of silencing thought, but as I said as much as I really enjoyed everything I learned about it so far including how important meditation is to the idea of zen, I have never started doing it. I let my mind race all day.
I think the truest way to live life is like an animal, in the sense that they are not constantly thinking, they are not constantly worried about their direction or purpose in life. It’s a human phenomenon to believe that your life is supposed to have some purpose or some direction or make some difference. That is EGO talking making us all want to believe that we are special and here for a reason. The rest of nature exists for no reason except to exist. An animal does not sit around agonizing about what it should be doing with its life. It never questions. Its mission is to eat sleep survive and reproduce. Humans put too much thought into everything.
There is nowhere to go. There is nothing to teach yourself. There is nothing that you are lacking, except maybe the understanding that there is nothing you are lacking. See how it goes in circles like that. I enjoy that about thinking this way. Thoughts like the idea that people who proclaim that they are teachers or gurus actually have the most to learn, whereas someone who will admit to you that they know so little and that they are in no position to lead you would actually make the best teacher. For me Buddhism has revealed how often things in life are actually backwards and opposite of the truth like that. People who talk the most have the least to say. Someone who sits in silence most likely has the most amazing stories to tell. Silence is the truest form of all.
I think you’re on the right track quaero. One of the few intelligent people on this website. But with that intelligence, you are letting yourself over-think things. Our ego convinces us that there are actually answers to be found within the human mind, when in reality it’s just a hunk of spongy matter sitting atop our spinal column. There is nothing to be found within our thoughts. No answers. If there were, humanity would have a lot more figured out by now.
Like pretty much every other human including me, you’re suffering because you think something is missing, you think you need to be somewhere else or someone else, but rather than putting effort into figuring out where your journey is supposed to take you and how you’re supposed to be your own teacher and student all at the same time etc etc etc it would seem more important to convince yourself that there is no journey that you need to take in the first place and try to get this dissatisfaction out of your mind. There is never satisfaction for a human being until you can manage to just stop wanting things. Nothing is ever good enough. Even if you untangle everything in your mind and come up with a grand design for whatever this journey is you need to go on and how to be your own teacher and own follower, and someday manage to get where you think you wanted to be, the satisfaction wouldn’t last long and you’d figure out how to be unhappy again. The uncontrolled human mind has one amazing unstoppable talent, always figuring out how to make itself unhappy.
“The thing you run from is the thing you run toward.” Welcome to curved space.” ~Rabbi Rami
“The root of dissatisfaction: always looking for the next thing.” ~ Dzogchen
“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The highest purpose is to have no purpose at all. This puts one in accord with nature, in her matter of operation.” ~John Cage
“It takes a long time to understand nothing.” ~Edward Dahlberg
“Silence is the language of god. All else is poor translation.” ~Rumi
“We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.” ~H.L. Mencken
“Intelligence is silence, truth is being invisible. But what a racket I make in declaring this.” ~Ned Rorem
“Light, landscape and sky. There is no language of the holy. The sacred lies in the ordinary.” ~ Deng Ming-Dao
No not not emotions. That’s a byproduct. I can only be organised by drugs. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to concentrate or relax sufficiently to take advantage of therapy. Recently I’ve made some progress.
There doesn’t have to be a precursor to anxiety or depression. I cant attribute it to loneliness or a longing for life. If I stopped taking my drugs within 2-3 days I’d empty completely, suffer from insomnia and get headaches. For others life must be like a game of cat and mouse. They are tormented by what’s out of reach.
I hate that there’s a problem and it’s always hanging over me. All I want is to show what I can do and that’s what I’m working on.
@Endless such a long response! reminds me of SpiritDying. i listened to and appreciate everything you said. especially the quotes. i like such quotes. i was a lot into Buddhism once, but now i mainly search on my own.