The evil twists of life

I have been depressed for almost 6 years now with severe suicidal thoughts in the last 4-5 years. I am unfortunately really good at hiding it because I seem to lack the ability to be able to share my emotions with others. I was really close to killing myself, but I met a girl in that period and things seemed to be going a lot better. I thought I finally got rid of my depression. But I was wrong, after a year or so it came back and worse than ever. My relationship slowly started to suffer under it. It was just a vicious circle, it made me feel worse to slowly see the girl I loved to get affected by my depression. She didn’t know a thing tho and I did my best to fight back. I cracked once after being together for 2 years and I spilled some of my feelings. She was deeply shocked and worried sick. Weirdest thing of all is that this made me close up even further, my emotional center was in complete lock down. I didn’t want to see her worry about me. I wanted to keep her happy at all costs. And the costs were big, it was harder and harder for me to keep the happy face up. After 3 years, I was emotionally drained. I was exhausted didn’t matter how much I slept and I slept a lot. My sleeping pattern was completely messed up and I sometimes stayed awake for 50hours+ I gave up all my hobbies because I didn’t had the energy to do them anymore. I realized I couldn’t fix this anymore. I felt our relationship was nearing its end and I was happy for it. Because clearly I could not take care of this girl anymore. After 3 and half years we broke up. I was enormously sad but really happy at the same time aswel. I saw this as the ideal time to commit suicide, something I have been dreaming about for a long long time.

But life, evil as it is, wasn’t through with me. It brought me in contact with a girl on the internet not even a week after I broke up. She was enourmously charming, so even that I had troubles trusting it. But she just cracked me open and started plowing through all my emotions. Till this day I still don’t know how she did it. I slowly told her my entire story and she told hers. We both realized we were fighting a depression and we quickly became real good friends. My plans for suicide remained unchanged tho and I was preparing myself for it. But after hours of talk I found out her sister committed suicide only 4 months prior to when we started talking. This was the evil twist of life, by that time I became really attached to that girl and she to me. We talked for hours on daily basis using facebook and skype. I once told her about my suicide plans and she immediately got real scared and made me promise on everything I know off to never ever do it. I now know this girl for a good 8 months. I visited her once as she lives in another country, it was initially to thank her for everything. We haven’t skipped a day talking unfortunately. And to be honest, she is the only thing that keeps me alive. She keeps making me promise that we’ll meet again and we will this summer and probably once more before that. I know her real well and if I would disappear, she would immediately know what is up and be absolutely devastated. I simply can’t put her through such an emotional burden again.

I feel trapped and tortured by life. I know many of you would consider me lucky and fortunate with such a good friend. And I am thankful for it, but I can’t help it to see it as the chains that keep me here.

Just my story and how I came to visit this website. Been reading it for the past few hours now. I really like the initiative.