this can’t go on forever, can it?

I’ve been having anxiety sleep disturbances lately, sort of suddenly, myself. My sleep schedule (if you want to call it a “schedule”) got flipped during the holidays, and i was trying to readjust back to sleeping at night, for various reasons… but just as you described, i can’t sleep. I’ll take a “nap,” and then wake with a sort of burning inner turmoil, unable to go back to sleep, so i just get up. But then around midday, i get waves of sleepiness, can’t keep my eyes open, and have to lay down. And then i sleep for a while longer, and wake up at night. It’s dark and cold and while i prefer quiet times, it gets annoying having to try to always move silently, so as not to disturb the sleepers.

And just as you mentioned with books… i feel the same way about video games. When i play anything single player, i tend to try to take as long as possible to beat it, because once i’m finished, i get bummed that it’s over. And then i don’t want to start another one, just because i know i’m going to finish it and be bummed again. I stopped bothering with music long ago. Even that is too depressing.

This isn’t all there is to life; it’s just that some of us don’t have access to the rest of it. Even when i was at my best, around a decade ago, i still couldn’t access “the good things in life.” If i couldn’t do it back then, i definitely can’t do it now.

The difference between then and now, is that i had a sort of body/mind balance, and a relentless, indomitable will to progress. In my early twenties, i was a force to be reckoned with. This is so cliche, but i am literally “a shadow of my former self.” “I’m half the man i used to be.” (if that)

Now, i lack that will, and am in far worse physical condition; my mind and body are so imbalanced, and i’m not self-medicating with cannabis, so i am constantly dominated by what used to be so easily alleviated, which also added an enjoyable experience and uplifting moods to my life. I used to get this irresistible urge to play guitar for hours, every time i smoked. It did something that allowed me to “be more creative,” or at least less restricted by “the box.”

A lot of bad things have happened since then… and in my current condition, i just can’t seem to focus anymore. I feel utterly defeated. I feel like i got “snuck,” and then have been incessantly kicked ever since i got knocked down, by people who practically begged for my trust. The poisonous sickness of that betrayal is still debilitating, years later. It is impossible to avoid thinking about it, because almost everything, both in my environment and beyond, is a trigger. Sometimes i am overcome with RAGE, and almost literally see everything in shades of red. That’s my inner beast thrashing around trying to break the cage. Sometimes i’m afraid that if i do actually “make it,” and begin to amass resources, i’ll end up blowing them on sheer revenge… which, while immeasurably satisfying in this case, would actually defeat the whole purpose of recovery and pursuit of personal development.

I don’t want to live only for revenge. But part of me totally wants to live only for revenge. Compared to that burning and insatiable desire… everything else just seems so insignificant, even irrelevant. It’s like that one thing is a 300 on a 100 scale, while everything else is a 3-4 on a 10 scale.

Anyway, digressions aside, my major issue with employment is waking up every morning, being ready on time, and traveling to a place to do anything. It’s not that i can’t do tasks, or focus momentarily, but that i cannot convince myself that i am able to reliably manage both my person and my immediate surroundings, enough to actually believe that i will be able to keep any job… and even if i could, anything i could get hired to do, would almost certainly fill me with even more rage, as i have body issues and chronic pain, that i really can’t do anything to fix.

There are too many things wrong that i can’t fix. I don’t know what to do, at this point. If i can’t even take care of myself, i can’t expect anything to ever improve, and can only expect that things will get worse and worse, until “something happens.” And that just compounds my anxiety levels beyond anything i can cope with, and then anytime anyone does anything that bothers me, it REALLY bothers me, and i see red and feel acid in my veins, and have to almost physically bear down to hold myself together. So many times, especially lately, i’ve felt delirious with fury, and have been on the verge of snapping and just screaming at everyone, all the things “i shouldn’t even have to explain.” (which makes it that much worse)