I’m not expecting much from posting this. I’ve posted things on online forums before and never had a response from anybody. I think I’m just hoping that if I get some of this out I’ll feel a little relief. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t have a problem relating to other people’s stories but I have yet to find anybody that feels they can relate to me. My whole life I have felt out of sync, like I don’t belong in this world. Sometimes I honestly believe I wasn’t supposed to exist, and that’s why everything always goes wrong in my life, because I wasn’t supposed to be here in the first place.
I tried to kill myself twice when I was 15. The first time, I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought I could just use a regular shaving razor to slit my wrists. I cut myself a bunch of times but the cut were so minor they didn’t do anything at all so everybody just thought I was trying to get attention. The second time I had learned from my mistake and I took the razor apart so that I could use it to cut deeper into my wrists. I sliced my left wrist twice and my right wrist once and I couldn’t bring myself to do it again. Obviously this attempt did not work either since I’m typing this now. Even though the cuts were deep and I required more than 10 stitches the cuts did not bleed enough. I guess that’s why they always show the people in the bathtub in movies. I was put in a psychiatric ward for 2 weeks which was a load of BS. The last thing that place did was make you not want to kill yourself. I haven’t attempted suicide since but that doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to.
Right now things pretty much suck for me and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know people always say don’t give up hope because you never know and it’ll work out, but the thing is….it has been 19 years since my last attempt and my life still sucks. As a matter of fact, it is worse now. I don’t want to struggle and trudge through my whole life just to find out that it never got any better. And Its not that I haven’t done what it takes to try to give myself a good life. Right now I’m in school full time and working two jobs. Things that are uncontrollable just always seem to happen to me that make my life a complete struggle. I am tired. I am soooo tired and I just don’t think I can keep doing this. I believe that there is nothing after death, and I welcome it.
My lights and water are about to be cut off. I have no food, and only $90 dollars to my name until I get paid in 2 weeks. I have an earache due to chronic ear problems I’ve had since childhood and no insurance or money to see the doctor. And that’s just a couple of the crappy things going on in my life right now. I don’t have any friends at the moment that can relate or even understand suicidal feelings at all and no family support. Things just keep getting worse and worse for me and I don’t see any way out. I’m too tired to try anymore. I just want it to end. I want peace. I want rest. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to be miserable. If I can’t feel better I rather not feel at all.
None of what I actually wrote is what I actually planned on writing about but its what came out. I don’t know what that means.
5 comments
what i can say is clean yourself up go to college get a degree make a life out of yourself its like you only live once might as well make it good as for the lights and water id say candles and get a membership at the gym they have showers message me if u want to talk more
Im here for you, there is no need to take a life, I find it funny actualy you say that no one can relate , but hello i definetly can. i find it funny that you say htat you felt like yo shouldnt havent exsisted , and thats why everything is so fucking shitty in your life. i always felt that way . but you know nothing on this planet is an accident. Im just going to say this . There is two diffrent kinds of forces, theyre is a good and a bad, which ever one you feed the most will either kill you off, of build you up. You may be like what does this girl know if shes on here ranting her sarrow life feelings too. well this just like you ive always delt with the depression , suicide climaxs , but i have this little , small, smalllllll i want to call …flame inside of me that keeps on buring even when the hard wind blows me on my knees. it never goes out, even though im can be 98.99% percent pessimistic , i will have the 2% percent that keep me going , just keep going . Talk it out. walk it out , sing it out . im here. we can do this together. we are more than sad bags of meat.
Thanks. It does make me feel a little better having someone tell me they can relate and not judge me. I appreciate your comment.
Your post made me have to log in to respond.
Just want to say I feel exactly the same buddy that is all.
Sorry I can’t give advice at this moment to broken, but have a great night. I really hope things get better for you.
-Matt
I can’t relate to everything, but maybe the most basic – that feeling that you never should have existed, and nothing really improving. I had a time when I couldn’t leave the house in the day and felt like I was in a constant panic attack (the worst feeling I have ever had), and things are so much better. I can go out more, and I live with my mother who is really lovely, I’m lucky to have such a wonderful person with me and I know it helps me a lot. But I still have depression and it’s still severe. It hurts constantly. I never have times when I can think clearly, which stops me ever being calm or being able to complete tasks well. I’m exhausted every day. I have all these feelings that I know should be there inside me that I just can’t feel. Love, excitement, happiness, contentment, interest. I always feel like there’s a battle inside my mind somewhere. I think of it as one thing that pushes all these things away. They used to come back sometimes, but it got vaguer, and I tried to hold onto myself but the depression got deeper, and the panic got worse. After that, even though I can live with it more easily now, it’s been a few years since I felt anything. I would be a different person now, but I still act even in my own mind like I did long ago, like I’ve just stopped. I’m fortunate enough to be able to see doctors and have pills prescribed for me even though I have no money, and not one of them has changed a thing. I think I would like to be alive, but this isn’t life. Even colours aren’t real. I feel that the only thing to do is end a life that can’t live, and I don’t have the resources to be able to do that. Once, my mother told me that when she’s depressed, she reminds herself that it will end and she’ll be okay, and happy again, although it might take time. I found it so helpful at the time, and now, I could last for years if I knew it would turn around, but I don’t. I don’t know what it would be like it if did and it doesn’t seem likely to now, especially after trying so many medications. And it could come back, and stay for years again, which would rip apart any happy life. I don’t know if you have any times you feel more part of the world, or happy, and I don’t know if they’re deep enough to be worth the rest of it for you. Most people I’ve known with depression have it as a changeable occurance, sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s there less, sometimes it leaves. It’s not just pessimistic thinking that keeps some people from that, some of us just have it at a different depth and length. Knowing people who understand suicidal feelings does help, even if it’s only online. When you don’t get answers, ask someone to answer. There are always people waiting for someone to talk to. I hope something changes for you, I would change it all if I could.