I was better. I was great. I had friends, lots of them. I felt accepted, I was less anxious. My family was the same, but I can’t change that. I’m not really suicidal now, because I realize the importance of life after my sister suicide atempt. But now we fight, my whole family. They say I’m not socialible, that I’m egotistical, that I’m impossible. They tease and I’ve asked them to stop but they don’t. I’m annoying, I’m conceited and I’m awkward again. I can’t ask a question without scrutiny, and I’m fearful that I’ll disappoint them. But why tonight? Did it build up, their rejection, the pain? Was I just touchy and overreacting? Was I just fed up with how I’m never good enough? I’m singled out, I’m picked on and falling fast. I don’t know what to do. It’s funny, this is my second post like this. I’m in a hole and every time I almost reach the top I slip and fall. How do I stop it? How do I exit? How do I make the world accept me?
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Smith…the worlds acceptance of you is of no importance. Your acceptance of yourself is what matters. Your pain touches my heart. I hope you know that even if you are all those things…we are ALL so flawed– even if you were all of that and so much more– you are worthwhile, beautiful and valuable. You are a human being and you deserve to live life peacefully and with love and joy. YOU DESERVE ALL GOOD THINGS.
I agree partially with treebythesea here. It might be difficult to see that “ultimately” the worlds acceptance of us is no importance, but it is true. The lack of acceptance does make things more difficult though so in that sense it can be important to us. I hate to see what you are going through. The fact its with family makes it so much harder to accept and deal with. I have experience with that personally. Treebythesea was also right in stating we are all flawed. I have made too many mistakes to list just as anyone else i know has. This is an unfortunate part of life. Everyone deserves all good things sure, but this is reality again and that is not what anyone gets unfortunately. Only you will have the answers in your life. Others may help you find them, but you must accept or reject them. From reading your post and to answer your question of “why tonight”, I would say it probably is a buildup. we can only endure so much. I might suggest looking into different proper and positive coping methods for what you are feeling and dealing with regularly. Dealing with things properly will prevent the buildup in most cases. I am here to talk to you and help you in any way I can. And if you want, we can try to find some coping methods together that will help you. Just let me know. Good luck my friend.
EvilOni is right. It is the buildup. It happens to the best of us. We can truly only take so much. I would like to say that I am inspired by eviloni’s thoughtful efforts to give practical and truly helpful advice and suggestion to others in the midst of experiencing so much pain himself. this concept brings me to another thought I wanted to share about your post- perhaps the very best we can do when we feel we are not good enough- when we feel totally inferior (I am so familiar with the feelings you described) is to help someone else who is feeling the same way. maybe that is the key?
you put your feelings in such a way that really opened up a little space in myself- it helped me to realize my own struggle with my ego–because I think that one painful aspect of being human is this constant battle with our egos…the concept of having to be and do and prove and there is this pressure (mostly put on ourselves by ourselves) to be “perfect” and well, we never can be.
I have personally reached a point where I am throwing up my hands and just saying f%$# it. I mean, we can only do so much, Smith. At the end of the day,when you lay your head down on your pillow- if you ask yourself “did I do my best today?” and you can say “yes I did”– well, I believe you should sleep like a baby. Recognize that your best one day will not be at the same level as your best on another day– depression, for example certainly affects our best for that day. I am positive that you are doing your best and I promise you- you are enough- right now as you exist in this instant- you are enough and you need not change a thing except to recognize that. I truly hope you find some comfort and some peace from the turmoil that has arisen in your life most recently.