So I turned to this blog last June in the hope of relieving myself of some my bottled up stories and emotions. It helped for all of 10 seconds. I’m still a closet gay (by my family’s demand and not my choice). My family would have me locked in a cage if they could, they have recently told me I’m the biggest problem my family has. I’m at university now so I’ve had a little bit of free time to experiment and be me. But being me has come at the price of my family and their respect. When I came out they took it badly and called me a slut and all sorts telling me I was destined for AIDs and more. I danced with a boy on St. Stephen’s Day this year and I’m the biggest shame my family has ever known. The cherry on top is that I failed my university exams and have been shunned and told I’m lucky that my family are still even speaking to me. But, I have yet to have anyone ask me how I feel. How I’M coping, apparently I’m just a big attention seeker who brings all the drama and makes it about me me me. I’m not like that and hate when my family say I am. No one has cared to see how I feel about my family’s reaction to me coming out. Its always been about them, protecting them, ensuring they were happy. Well I’m not happy. I have medicine in my room here and a litre of vodka too. I’m at a total loss. I think I could survive if I had a human being, a man, to cuddle up to and cry my heart out to. But I can’t even do that. I’m clearly an ugly child. Even though men on grindr tell me otherwise, yet I’m still bloody single. Life is never meant to be as hard as I’ve got it. Its not right and I’m on the cliff edge waiting for that final push. If I’m honest I walk close to roads and stroll straight out in front of traffic lights in the hope of getting knocked down, or I walk home alone late a night in the hope of being stabbed or beaten. The noose is around my neck, I’m waiting for the chair to give way….
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2 comments
Damn! I hear your distress all the way around. I’m much older than you, supposedly articulate and educated, and I still can’t make people understand what it’s like to be gay in a heterosexual world. Most people think its just about sex, but really, its just about being who you actually are deep inside. Soooo… I wish i had some great advice for you but I don’t. However, I want you to know that I respect the hell out of you for having the guts to come out and face the music and be your best honest self. If your family can’t appreciate that, i feel sorry for them, but for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job. We need more people like you in the world. So hang in there!!!
Sorry about the problems you’ve had to go through-but clearly you need to get away from your family, find a good lover and finish your education and get a good job.
There’s videos of people who’ve committed suicide and most of them tend to be decent looking, some are very attractive and you wonder why they’d throw away their lives.
So I really doubt you’re as ugly as you think-also given the good feedback you’ve gotten. By the way, it’s hard for me to accept as well because I’m also hung up on my looks, but it really isn’t all about looks that attracts people. It’s confidence, personality and other qualities…of course as long as one is not hideous.
I won’t get into my sob story, but I can relate to an extent though I’m not gay. In my case I’m not in the right situations to meet new people and it really sucks to be single. I’m also pretty picky because I’ve tended to only date beautiful girls.
My loneliness (from being single, I have friends/family) has made me consider suicide often. Of course that’s not the only reason but a major one. But I think my life is improving financially so I’ll have more time and opportunities to turn that around.
If you want to end it at least find a peaceful means, rather than to be hoped to be beaten to death by strangers. But I don’t think your problems are insolvable, you just have to do the things I mentioned in the beginning and you’ll be ok.