One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
Tag:
no one
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
I am Me. Thats all I have ever wanted to be. But me being me has never been enough for anyone, ever. Silence calms me, the dark sings lullabies til I finally go to sleep. Sometimes, which is most of the time….I truly have nothing to say to you or anyone and it never bothered me until it bothers everyone else. I have been apologetic, bothered, disturbed, mute, sad, angry, hurt because of your own feeling of being unnerved by silence. I welcome it and want to go to it.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Everything is going wrong with my life right now and I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, nothing.
I just have this emptiness that I cannot fill. What’s funny is that people have been telling me that i look happier lately. Hilarious.
At this point I wish I was sad or angry. I wish I felt something. This enotionlessness scares me to no end. It makes me numb to things. I’m scared I will do something to myself.
I laugh it off and “smile though the pain” because I think if my body looks happy then I will be happy. Right?
I don’t even know anymore. I don’t care about things anymore. Apathy is supposed to be good right? But why don’t I feel better.
I keep screwing everything good in my life and I just don’t care. Or I care too much. At this point, I’m not sure. Everything is so screwed up and I have no one to talk to. No one would understand. I just wish someone would realize just how much I need help.
Lyrics:
Everyday nothing seems to change
Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things
and I, I can’t take it no more
I would leave this town, but I,
I ain’t got nowhere else to go
–
Wake up in the morning to more,
more bad news and I
sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,
It’s driving me out of my mind
Gonna catch the next train and I
move on down the line
–
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I know my time ain’t long and I,
I can’t live this life again – no, no, no
—
Walkin’ down the street you might wanna cross a smiling face, but they’ll
stab you in the back as soon as you turn – walk away – and I
Oh Lord, it’s bringing me down
If things don’t change around here
ain’t no use in me hanging ’round
–
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I know my time ain’t long around here and I,
I can’t live this life again – no, no, no
I’m very new to this, suicidal forum.. straight to the point.. It’s not that I am going to or really have the urge to commit suicide. It’s the constant thought popping into my head. I will catch myself fantisizing of the idea. But these questions always rush to mind. Should I end it? What will happen to my boyfriend, family and friends? Who would show up at my viewing or funeral? How can I make the death fast and 100% effective? I’m not sure why I take the time to give deep thought if I’m contemplating to die.. can someone help me understand where I stand, what I should do? Extra information: 22 yr old female, rough past, burned every bridge possible, no desire to become someone or something.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
by niki
written by niki
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
by niki
written by niki
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
I don’t think I can continue this life anymore. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about 6 years and major depression for 2 years.
I only have a couple friends. They are my only friends, but we don’t see each other much because one of them works a lot, and the other lives a state away.
It feels like I’m wasting my life away. I haven’t done anything spectacular or fun. I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had a large group of friends. I’ve always been the outcast, the invisible one, the freak.
No one really cares about me. I know they say that they do, and a part of me wants to believe them. At the same time, I’ve been betrayed and lied to, and my trust is thin with everyone around me.
School has been stressing me out and making my mental state worse. I’ve missed a few doses of my antidepressants (my fault, really) but I don’t even think they’re working anymore.
My entire school has tried raising awareness for mental health, but it feels like a complete joke. People write generic words of encouragement like, “It’ll be okay,” or “You are loved,” but it feels so forced that it disgusts me. Some teachers have even been caught making jokes of mental illnesses.
I know my school’s goal was to make everyone feel secure and cared for, but it didn’t work for me. I just felt like I was dying inside little by little, watching everyone trying to understand mental illness and destigmatize things. I felt like I was a pariah because it dawned on me that mental illness is misunderstood because most people don’t have to battle it on a daily basis.
My own mother has told me that she doesn’t care if I died anyway. In her mind, everyone dies, and when that time comes, it comes. She said that she’d be sad for some time, but that she’ll learn to grieve and accept it. My parents have a $15,000 life insurance policy on me, every since I was a baby, just in case something happens.
I wonder every day what it’d be like if I wasn’t plagued with mental illnesses. It could have been worse – I could have been born with severe learning disabilities, physical disabilities, etc as a result of being born extremely premature, but I just wish I didn’t have my own mind tell me that I’m not worth anything to anyone.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything hurts. I’m lonely, incredibly lonely, and I’m insignificant to anyone around me. Even my friends can probably live their lives without me.
Every friend I’ve had has ditched me and I’ve told my friend so much about my mental health that if I tell her I want to kill myself, she’d get sick of me complaining about how terrible my life is, and push me away. She’d probably think that I’m saying that to get attention, since I always tell her fucked-up things about my mental state. I tell her so much that I’m afraid that she’ll stop believing me, but everything I say, she is the only person I can trust with that information.
I love my friend. She’s the only person that listens to me and takes me seriously. My family can’t do that. Everything I say to them goes in one ear and out the other or they make me feel invalidated.
I just don’t want my friend to think that I’m an attention seeker. I’m terrified of saying the wrong things to her, but at the same time, she’s the only one that I feel comfortable telling. I’ve told her things that I would never tell anyone else, but I wonder if she’s ever gotten sick of me for it. I wonder if she’s ever wanted to quit talking to me because of it.
I guess I don’t want to be a burden on her.
I’m scared to tell her the true state of my mental health. She knows about all of my mental disorders, but she doesn’t know the extent of them all, or how far they have pushed me. I try my best to not let my mental illnesses show around her or bring them up anymore because I don’t want her to pity me or be sad.
I’ve never actually severely harmed myself nor have I ever attempted suicide, but the thoughts of suicide are increasing with each stressor of mine, and with each little thing.
It sounds ridiculous, but the workload of school makes me anxious, depressed, and therefore suicidal. Honestly, that’s never happened to me before. Normally, those thoughts never occur due to school.
I know it’s foolish to take your own life over schoolwork, but it’s so overwhelming that my anxiety spikes. My anxiety is the worst mental disorder of all that I have. It’s the one that I’ve struggled with the longest and the demon that I have yet to conquer.
Other than school, I either sleep all day, use the computer, or listen to music.
I don’t have anything to do besides that.
I quit my job because it was interfering with my schoolwork, even though my doctor suggested that I should get a job to help alleviate the emptiness and boredom that I feel inside.
I’m lost. I don’t know where to turn. Death feels like an escape from a dark, lonely life; however, one of the things holding me back is the fact that I don’t know what happens after death – where I go or what I do.
I can’t keep all of this to myself anymore. I want to tell my friend; I just don’t know how she’ll take it. I don’t want to be whisked away to an expensive emergency room or sent off to a mental health facility because I don’t want people to assume I need immediate care. I don’t want people to assume I’m crazy.
Any ideas of how to tell my friend without bothering her?
Sorry that I ranted and rambled so much.
I can’t take it anymore I’ve wanted this for years. After my grandma died I felt lost. I was with her when it happened, I was only 12. After that my life just went downhill. I dropped out of school got in trouble with the police. I’m never going to amount to anything so why does it matter.
i almost hate everything. and i’m most dissatisfied with all things.
but i had some frozen yogurt today with my two friends and it was the first day of school. i dislike being so young and feeling this way—everyone says you shouldn’t have to feel this way at such a young age?
but i realized after i sat down with the two of them and was looking forward to enjoy a small bowl of frozen yogurt, i had immediately thought that i’d rather be in my bed listening to some vast silence that i’ve come to love.
everyone was so nice and so kind and so was i. i just want to make it stop though.
that thing i feel is not an addiction. i wouldn’t consider it an addiction anyway. i just don’t care. not anymore.
i’m too carefree and letting anything happen to me. it feels like i’ve lost control but then again i still don’t care.
i don’t exactly know when or why? it’s not something you can specifically identify.
“no but when did you start feeling depressed?”
“on the 5th of may 2009 10:39pm on a saturday night i think.”
why did the doctors think that’s how it works?
and then they said that depressed people don’t feel happy.
if that’s so, then why did i laugh with friends when we were goofing around while eating our frozen yogurt? why was i smiling??? how come i felt happy?
am i not really depressed? could it be that i’m bipolar?
i have this ability to feel happy and it’s there. why did i feel like i got better in that moment. i mean when i laughed along with them and spouted our inside jokes together?
and after i went away from the scene, i lost myself in this abyss of nothingness again.
because it feels like it’s what i must do to myself.
back in march 2015, my best friend (really my only friend) died. i was 16 years old and of course, it destroyed me. i didnt leave my room for months, did terrible in school, my father had to force me to eat something most days, i never knew i could cry so much every single day.
i still feel that pain every day two years later. ive moved in with my grandparents, started taking antidepressants. i got slightly happy for a quick minute.
i met a girl, allie, through bellas death since she was a mutual friend. we instantly became close because of how we both lost bella. she had a boyfriend of a year whenever we first met and a year later, he was moved in with her and all three of us became pretty close.
then one night about a month or two ago, i was staying with the two of them and i woke up in the middle of the night to her boyfriend raping me while i was sleeping. i didnt move and i didnt do anything because of how scared and shocked i was at the fact that it was happening and i was scared that if he knew i was awake, he would kill me.
the next day i told allie about what her piece of shit boyfriend did to me, and she called me a liar. he denied it and acted confused and like i was crazy for even thinking something like that. and a couple of days ago, allies mother messaged me on facebook accusing me of so many ridiculous things that i have honestly never done in my life.
i never thought in a million years something this shitty could possibly happen to me but honestly i should have known it would.
i met a new friend a year ago and even though she called me her best friend, i couldnt say the same because of how bad it hurt to say anyone else could ever bellas place. until a couple of months ago, i finally called her my best friend.
i met a guy and for once i was so happy because he took my mind off of everything and nothing bothered me when i was with him. but little did i know, he cared less about me than i do about living. he stopped talking to me one day and left me confused and heartbroken. all over a guy i never even got the chance to date. all he wanted from me was sex of course. and i was too naive to see it.
so the depression came back even worse this time. i completely forgot what it was like to be genuinely happy. and about five months later, i met another guy. the last thing i wanted was to be hurt by yet another guy. but he knew seanna(the new friend) so i figured maybe this would work out. seanna told me he liked me and i could feel myself almost happy again.
but of course as my life would have it, it didnt work out. i found out two days ago(literally the same day allies mother messaged me) that seanna slept with him last week and ive completely fallen apart again. but this time it seems so much worse and all i ever think about it wanting to die.
my life is literally one big unfortunate event. all i do is cry and feel worthless. i have no friends anymore, im only a little happy whenever im fucked up, i have to wear long sleeves because whenever i have a mental breakdown i run straight to a razor, all i do is lay in my bed and cry and think of ways to end it all but i know im too scared. i honestly just dont know what to do anymore.
today i, once again, was welcomed by a quiet house; except it wasn’t. they’re avoiding me. as soon as i opened the door, i heard whispers. a lot of them. now they’ve stopped, maybe they think i can’t hear them. although i quite like arriving and having time for myself, i don’t particularly like the fact that, even though they’re still awake, they’re pretending they’re not. it hurts a lot, but whatever; i can’t blame them. i’d pretend to be asleep all the time if i lived with another me, so i can’t really blame them.
the whispers have started again.
although i’m not 100% this time it’s them. lately i’ve been hearing stuff out of nowhere. it’s weird, and keeps me on edge. but it doesn’t happen too often, so it’s bearable i guess.
thoughts i don’t want to think are overwhelming me, they all come at once. my head is a mess right now and i’d say i hope things will be better tomorrow, but i know they won’t be, so there’s no point.
quiet house
written by plasticflower
tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she and i went through one of the most painful experiences, at least for me, i’ve ever been through about two years ago. basically our group of friends just dropped us, and once we tried apologising for the misunderstanding, everyone was ignoring us and telling us that we were not the victims, and that they didn’t want to talk to us again. it sounds pretty stupid, and it probably is, but it still really affected me. anyways, considering all this and everything we’d been through, she dropped me, too. out of nowhere, stopped talking to me and just straight up ignored me. she was now friends with the “cool kids” and i think she was embarrassed of being seen with me, so i understand why she’d drop me. it still hurt a lot. but aaaanyways, the point is today’s her birthday, so i sent her a message to congratulate her, even though she forgot or just didn’t care enough about mine. i just hope she still has my number so she knows it’s me.
to change topics drastically; today i considered buying an ukulele, since back at home i used to have a keyboard, and playing it helped me a lot, but i’m not sure. they’re something i’m not sure i can afford, but i do think it’d help me clear my mind. i’ll have to think it over.
–
this is me rambling, sorry.
i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake when i barely sleep, which is worrying. i really don’t get it. anyways, today i made a list of really short term goals, to see if it at least makes me a bit excited for the future. let’s hope it does.
i just got home from working, and it’s 11pm. normally, my brother waits for his wife to get home and then go to bed, but i guess it’s only for her. they’re both asleep. i guess they don’t care, and i don’t blame them for that, nor am i mad at them. i just found it a bit sad.
in other news, this morning was very difficult for some reason; having said this, i was really struggling to not harm myself. i managed somehow, but at work i did get hurt many times, though not on purpose. at least i don’t think so.
life has been difficult lately, but i”l just have to go with it somehow.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
by niki
written by niki
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality
.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
i wish harry potter was real , i wish fantastic beasts were real , i wish magic was real , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
by niki
written by niki
i wish harry potter was real really exist , i wish fantastic beasts were real really exist , i wish magic was real really exist , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
because reality is boring , mundane , and limiting limited
because real world is boring , mundane , and limited limiting
because real life is boring , mundane , & limited limiting !
reality is all about MONEY !
real-life is all about Money !
real-world is all about Money !
Life is boring , mundane ,
movies is better than reality real life real world !
novels is better than reality real-life real-world !
comics is better than real world real life reality !
video games is better than real-world real-life reality !
MMORPG is better than real life real world reality !
manga is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime is better than reality reallife realworld !
Why human’s IMAGINATION is better than reality ??? …
here in our everyday ‘s reality , Life is all about MONEY !
and people are stupid , shallow , superficial , people are lacking imaginations , people are boring , dull , mundane !
(PS : i wish lucid dream is real lucid dreaming is real , astral projection is real astral travel is real , Virtual Reality like Sword Art Online is real , i wish dreams were real … because i hate reality , i hate real life , i hate real world ! it’s so boring , only for people who lack imagination & stupid )
does anyone agree ?
can anybody relate ?
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I hate reality ! reality is boring ! Doctor Strange , Marvel MCU , Avengers , Sword Art Online , Virtual Reality , games , movies , novels , anime manga , comics is better than reality !
by niki
written by niki
I hate reality ! reality is boring !
Doctor Strange is better than reality !
Marvel MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) is better than reality !
Avengers is better than real world !
Sword Art Online is better than real life !
Virtual Reality is better than boring reality !
video games is better than reality real life real world !
movies is better than real-world real-life reality !
novels is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime manga is better than boring real life real world reality !
comics is better than boring real world real life reality !
Why Human’s Imagination is much better than reality ??
movies , games , MMORPG , novels , anime / manga , comics is better than reality real life real world ??
if God exist , then God is boring god !!! to create such a boring reality / boring real-life / boring real-world !!
In reality , it’s all only about MONEY MONEY MONEY !!!
or people / Humans are stupid , shallow , superficial , ignorant , that MOST / Majority of people only care about shallow & superficial mundane things like celebrities gossip , talking about other people , status / image / fame / popularity / how to be popular / famous , how to get girlfriend / boyfriend , have kids , talk about job career business profits Money blah blah blah !!
I’ve found that people who said that “No, reality is not boring , YOU are boring ! ” are usually people who lack imaginations & intelligence ( *real* intelligence) to be able to comprehend how *truly* boring REALITY is !
I wish that Virtual Reality (VR, eg: Oculus Rift) develop quickly ,
I wish Astral Projection , Astral Travel , Out of Body Experiences (OBE) , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming is real ,
I wish Science develop quickly & much faster , I wish teleport / teleportation , time machine / time travel is real ,
I wish Artificial Reality is real ,
I wish AI (Artificial Intelligence) is real like in science fiction (sci-fi) movies novels comics games anime manga,
I wish parallel universe , multiverse , another dimension , another universe is real ,
I wish science fiction sci-fi is real ,
I wish Transhumanism / Transhumanist is real ,
… so I can leave this boring everyday reality / everyday boring real life / everyday boring real world !!!!
… if all those things are not real (aren’t soon becoming real) ,.. then I think it’s much better to commit suicide / die than live in this boring reality , LIMITED / LIMITING reality , mundane reality , dull reality , stupid reality , ridiculous reality , absurd reality , harsh reality , cruel reality , cold reality !!!
can anyone / anybody relate ?
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