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hi idk what this post was even abt

by randomthoughts57
written by randomthoughts57

Hi ok so idk why i feel like people cared more about me during school? Omg that sounds so narcissistic but i feel like i got more attention during school. Ah i hate saying that but its true and its sad that its true. That i simply don’t have happiness within myself but from attention of others.

And so now all my friends are doing there own thing which i think is great! i really do think its great but idk i just miss the attention ig. I miss feeling like people actually cared what i had to say. now i say something to someone and they just ignore me and talk abt themselves. when during school it wasn’t like that. i guess i have to get used to this because this is how life is. isn’t it?

i think life is like that. everyone is so worried about themselves they could give less of a shit of what you are doing? idk i guess i just feel like everyone is annoyed by me? or everyone is annoyed by me talking. because every time i talk i can tell no one cares. and even if they don’t mean it like that ik what they are thinking. i can tell.

i guess its just weird for me? which again super narcissistic of me to say. but whatever thats how i feel thats how my life is going currently.

a random update on my life because none of my friends seem to care. ive been working out lately. and it makes me feel a lot better because im finally doing something for myself. i also have been listening to emma chamberlains podcast. which is really good i highly recommend.

im just happy i found this website tbh. bc now i can let things go and no one is reading these most likely but i really don’t care. i used to write stuff down, print it out, and put it in an envelope in my drawer where no one could find it. and this is so much better of an outlet! so i hope everyone else on this website feels the same.

life is definitely not all sunshine and rainbows for ANYONE. no matter how good ur life is there is always something. and as human beings we just have to get used to that. i truly believe no one can live a only happy life. bc in my opinion thats boring. its fun to have some stuff going on not just sunshine and rainbows. and maybe people will disagree with me which is completely fineeee.

anyway that’s it for right now at least i might come back later to talk more.

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General

i say im happy but deep inside im not

by randomthoughts57
written by randomthoughts57

I can’t rlly say that the thoughts are back but im starting to think abt it again. The second I realize im happy bam its all gone. Because these thoughts just start creeping back. Im really enjoying this time by myself which makes me want to disappear even more. Because I’ve actually realized how much I love being by myself. And I just I don’t know I still want to disappear. like i am happy i am but i don’t know if im truly happy that’s the thing. I don’t know if im just telling myself im happy so i can fake it till i make it? i just still don’t understand why i feel this way.

i really like this photo tho idk why i feel like it speaks to me. which doesn’t even make any sense but yea that’s just how i feel with this photo. even tho i don’t want to keep going which is what’s ironic.

i feel like i try to act all happy bc i know my friends are tired of hearing me speak about these. especially that i don’t really have anything to “complain” about. but i don’t understand this either. my friend told me to go to therapy but how do i tell my parents that. they wouldn’t bother listening. they care for me but just think im being a silly teenager. so i will just keep my mouth shut and just keep telling myself im happy. when deep down inside when i check im not happy at all. but whatever fake it till ya make it 😉

Also i would like to make new friends so if anyone wants to comment and hit me up feel free i have nothing else to do anyway 🙂

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Rants

i want to disappear but not die?

by randomthoughts57
written by randomthoughts57

I don’t really know what do with myself anymore. I think that these thoughts are gone but they aren’t. I finally had gotten rid of them but they came back. I don’t even know why I have them too. I have a great life and I am very grateful. So why the heck do I still feel like this.

My thoughts are that I just want to leave. For ever not to another state just leave this earth. But I don’t want to die? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to disappear from this earth and everyone forget I was a person. But although I have these thoughts I don’t have much of a reason. And that’s why I feel so trapped. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel this way since nothing traumatic has really ever happened in my life. I just feel hopeless. Stuck.

I want to leave but I don’t want people to suffer. That’s the thing is that I know people will suffer I know people care for me. So I just don’t understand. I just hate myself not others. This honestly has nothing to do with other people. That’s why I won’t ask for help. I don’t even know what I would say in the first place. Because again I feel like I don’t have a reason to feel this way. Like I feel like a bad person for feeling this way when I don’t have a reason to.

Ugh I don’t know what to do anymore hopefully writing on this website will help me find why I may be feeling this way. Hopefully it does because at this point im tired. Im tired of feeling happy and the second im alone with my emotions I start all this drama in my head. Im tired of feeling out of place and people thinking I have no reason to feel this way. Maybe I do. And that brings back to my point on why I keep quiet. Any time I bring it up people always ask me why? Why would you feel that way. I have sooo much more trauma that you have ever seen. And yea they have a point. But the truth that they don’t understand is I don’t know why i feel this way. I just can’t explain it. I just do.

So I just want to leave this planet. Make everyone forget I existed. That I was never born. Because im tired of feeling this way and feeling confused. Because I feel bad that I feel this way because it’s just first world problems? Right? People just don’t understand that if I could understand what is wrong with me I would be so glad. But the truth is I don’t know either.

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Family & Friends Effects

im tired, so tired

by djsmith
written by djsmith

me ranting about stupid shit…

Ever since I was a child I’ve been an overthinker on the stupidest shit. Even now I can’t have one argument with a friend, or something without thinking about it the whole day and it being stuck in the back of my mind. It effects my day to day life because it progressively gets worse throughout my life. I can’t even take a simple compliment without thinking if they really meant it or not. Now I have horrible insecurities about my body and personality. Moving on, I’m currently almost failing three of my classes and as a previous honor roll student I’m letting everyone in my family down. My parents think I don’t care and that I’m unbothered and not trying to fix it in anyway. But in reality this is tearing me apart. I feel as if I have no one to talk to seeing as my old counselor has stopped seeing me. My parents are Caribbean, and always talk about how much they have sacrificed to be here and raise my sibling right and shit. As much as they think their words don’t bother me its the worst feeling in the world disappointing them. My father has mentioned before that all he wants to live for is to see me graduate and he will be fulfilled. They most fucked up part about it is that in 10 years all I can think of is a empty slate. I can’t imagine a world where I’m succeeding in life. It feels like no matter what I do, or matter how hard I try it feels like its never good enough for anyone.

I keep messing up. I keep failing shit.

My life has been doing a downward spiral, and its hard to act like the unbothered daughter, or the hilarious friend, or the amazing student. I don’t want to keep trying anymore, its draining the life out of me. At least when I had the counselor, I could rant to them and it improved my metal state, but now I can’t do that. My mother thinks that I’m getting bad grades to spite her and that I’m doing this all on purpose. She’s teacher so I guess she expects more out of me. I try and rant to my mom and tell her how I feel about things but no matter what I do she soomehow finds a way to make it my fault. I’m tired of living, or trying so hard for a future I don’t even see myself in. My parents are starting to realize that I don’t really believe in their religion anymore, and that I’m bi. But when they do finally find out their are gonna be mad as shittt. My serects are unraveling and I don’t know how to handle it. 

I know I don’t have half as serious stories or rants like most the people here, but its nice to type it out once in a while.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsI Will SurviveRantsStories of HopeStories of Loss

1115 Days…

by JCITM
written by JCITM

One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe.  It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence?  Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening.  The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to.  When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces.  You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park.  There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children.  Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been?  Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life?  Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy.  One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment.  Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults.  Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine.  They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel.  Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed.  I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier.  Continue to rest in peace.   

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

19:49

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.

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General

I am me

by jries
written by jries

I am Me. Thats all I have ever wanted to be. But me being me has never been enough for anyone, ever. Silence calms me, the dark sings lullabies til I finally go to sleep. Sometimes, which is most of the time….I truly have nothing to say to you or anyone and it never bothered me until it bothers everyone else. I have been apologetic, bothered, disturbed, mute, sad, angry, hurt because of your own feeling of being unnerved by silence. I welcome it and want to go to it.

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Rants

Apathy

by Chanty
written by Chanty

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Everything is going wrong with my life right now and I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, nothing.
I just have this emptiness that I cannot fill. What’s funny is that people have been telling me that i look happier lately. Hilarious.
At this point I wish I was sad or angry. I wish I felt something. This enotionlessness scares me to no end. It makes me numb to things. I’m scared I will do something to myself.
I laugh it off and “smile though the pain” because I think if my body looks happy then I will be happy. Right?
I don’t even know anymore. I don’t care about things anymore. Apathy is supposed to be good right? But why don’t I feel better.
I keep screwing everything good in my life and I just don’t care. Or I care too much. At this point, I’m not sure. Everything is so screwed up and I have no one to talk to. No one would understand. I just wish someone would realize just how much I need help.

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Gary Clark Jr. – When My Train Pulls In

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Lyrics:

 

Everyday nothing seems to change

Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things

and I, I can’t take it no more

I would leave this town, but I,

I ain’t got nowhere else to go

–

Wake up in the morning to more,

more bad news and I

sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,

It’s driving me out of my mind

Gonna catch the next train and I

move on down the line

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

—

Walkin’ down the street you might wanna cross a smiling face, but they’ll

stab you in the back as soon as you turn – walk away –  and I

Oh Lord, it’s bringing me down

If things don’t change around here

ain’t no use in me hanging ’round

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long around here and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

 

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneral

Lost needing advice

by Username101
written by Username101

I’m very new to this, suicidal forum.. straight to the point.. It’s not that I am going to or really have the urge to commit suicide. It’s the constant thought popping into my head.  I will catch myself fantisizing of the idea. But these questions always rush to mind. Should I end it? What will happen to my boyfriend, family and friends? Who would show up at my viewing or funeral? How can I make the death fast and 100% effective? I’m not sure why I take the time to give deep thought if I’m contemplating to die.. can someone help me understand where I stand, what I should do? Extra information: 22 yr old female, rough past, burned every bridge possible, no desire to become someone or something.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !

by niki
written by niki

Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.

Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.

I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:

1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.

2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.

3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.

Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.

by niki
written by niki

Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.

I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.

And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”

Bullshit.

People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.

Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.

Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.

I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc

Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !

Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !

I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !

Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !

by niki
written by niki

Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !

Human’s imagination is better than reality !

Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !

I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …

real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !

I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!

Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!

People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !

In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!

in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .

i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …

and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!

I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !

Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !

REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!

better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …

FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!

THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!

in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …

.

.

so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!

if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!

..

.

.

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My Suicide NoteRants

I can’t take it anymore.

by towardthelight
written by towardthelight

I don’t think I can continue this life anymore. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about 6 years and major depression for 2 years.

I only have a couple friends. They are my only friends, but we don’t see each other much because one of them works a lot, and the other lives a state away.

It feels like I’m wasting my life away. I haven’t done anything spectacular or fun. I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had a large group of friends. I’ve always been the outcast, the invisible one, the freak.

No one really cares about me. I know they say that they do, and a part of me wants to believe them. At the same time, I’ve been betrayed and lied to, and my trust is thin with everyone around me.

School has been stressing me out and making my mental state worse. I’ve missed a few doses of my antidepressants (my fault, really) but I don’t even think they’re working anymore.

My entire school has tried raising awareness for mental health, but it feels like a complete joke. People write generic words of encouragement like, “It’ll be okay,” or “You are loved,” but it feels so forced that it disgusts me. Some teachers have even been caught making jokes of mental illnesses.

I know my school’s goal was to make everyone feel secure and cared for, but it didn’t work for me. I just felt like I was dying inside little by little, watching everyone trying to understand mental illness and destigmatize things. I felt like I was a pariah because it dawned on me that mental illness is misunderstood because most people don’t have to battle it on a daily basis.

My own mother has told me that she doesn’t care if I died anyway. In her mind, everyone dies, and when that time comes, it comes. She said that she’d be sad for some time, but that she’ll learn to grieve and accept it. My parents have a $15,000 life insurance policy on me, every since I was a baby, just in case something happens.

I wonder every day what it’d be like if I wasn’t plagued with mental illnesses. It could have been worse – I could have been born with severe learning disabilities, physical disabilities, etc as a result of being born extremely premature, but I just wish I didn’t have my own mind tell me that I’m not worth anything to anyone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything hurts. I’m lonely, incredibly lonely, and I’m insignificant to anyone around me. Even my friends can probably live their lives without me.

Every friend I’ve had has ditched me and I’ve told my friend so much about my mental health that if I tell her I want to kill myself, she’d get sick of me complaining about how terrible my life is, and push me away. She’d probably think that I’m saying that to get attention, since I always tell her fucked-up things about my mental state. I tell her so much that I’m afraid that she’ll stop believing me, but everything I say, she is the only person I can trust with that information.

I love my friend. She’s the only person that listens to me and takes me seriously. My family can’t do that. Everything I say to them goes in one ear and out the other or they make me feel invalidated.

I just don’t want my friend to think that I’m an attention seeker. I’m terrified of saying the wrong things to her, but at the same time, she’s the only one that I feel comfortable telling. I’ve told her things that I would never tell anyone else, but I wonder if she’s ever gotten sick of me for it. I wonder if she’s ever wanted to quit talking to me because of it.

I guess I don’t want to be a burden on her.

I’m scared to tell her the true state of my mental health. She knows about all of my mental disorders, but she doesn’t know the extent of them all, or how far they have pushed me. I try my best to not let my mental illnesses show around her or bring them up anymore because I don’t want her to pity me or be sad.

I’ve never actually severely harmed myself nor have I ever attempted suicide, but the thoughts of suicide are increasing with each stressor of mine, and with each little thing.

It sounds ridiculous, but the workload of school makes me anxious, depressed, and therefore suicidal. Honestly, that’s never happened to me before. Normally, those thoughts never occur due to school.

I know it’s foolish to take your own life over schoolwork, but it’s so overwhelming that my anxiety spikes. My anxiety is the worst mental disorder of all that I have. It’s the one that I’ve struggled with the longest and the demon that I have yet to conquer.

Other than school, I either sleep all day, use the computer, or listen to music.

I don’t have anything to do besides that.

I quit my job because it was interfering with my schoolwork, even though my doctor suggested that I should get a job to help alleviate the emptiness and boredom that I feel inside.

I’m lost. I don’t know where to turn. Death feels like an escape from a dark, lonely life; however, one of the things holding me back is the fact that I don’t know what happens after death –  where I go or what I do.

I can’t keep all of this to myself anymore. I want to tell my friend; I just don’t know how she’ll take it. I don’t want to be whisked away to an expensive emergency room or sent off to a mental health facility because I don’t want people to assume I need immediate care. I don’t want people to assume I’m crazy.

Any ideas of how to tell my friend without bothering her? 

Sorry that I ranted and rambled so much.

 

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

what it feels like

by claryland
written by claryland

i almost hate everything. and i’m most dissatisfied with all things.

but i had some frozen yogurt today with my two friends and it was the first day of school. i dislike being so young and feeling this way—everyone says you shouldn’t have to feel this way at such a young age?

but i realized after i sat down with the two of them and was looking forward to enjoy a small bowl of frozen yogurt, i had immediately thought that i’d rather be in my bed listening to some vast silence that i’ve come to love.

everyone was so nice and so kind and so was i. i just want to make it stop though.

that thing i feel is not an addiction. i wouldn’t consider it an addiction anyway. i just don’t care. not anymore.

i’m too carefree and letting anything happen to me. it feels like i’ve lost control but then again i still don’t care.

i don’t exactly know when or why? it’s not something you can specifically identify.

“no but when did you start feeling depressed?”

“on the 5th of may 2009 10:39pm on a saturday night i think.”

why did the doctors think that’s how it works?

and then they said that depressed people don’t feel happy.

if that’s so, then why did i laugh with friends when we were goofing around while eating our frozen yogurt? why was i smiling??? how come i felt happy?

am i not really depressed? could it be that i’m bipolar?

i have this ability to feel happy and it’s there. why did i feel like i got better in that moment. i mean when i laughed along with them and spouted our inside jokes together?

and after i went away from the scene, i lost myself in this abyss of nothingness again.

because it feels like it’s what i must do to myself.

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GeneralRantsStories of Loss

where do i start?

by wannabehappy
written by wannabehappy

back in march 2015, my best friend (really my only friend) died. i was 16 years old and of course, it destroyed me. i didnt leave my room for months, did terrible in school, my father had to force me to eat something most days, i never knew i could cry so much every single day.

i still feel that pain every day two years later. ive moved in with my grandparents, started taking antidepressants. i got slightly happy for a quick minute.

i met a girl, allie, through bellas death since she was a mutual friend. we instantly became close because of how we both lost bella. she had a boyfriend of a year whenever we first met and a year later, he was moved in with her and all three of us became pretty close.

then one night about a month or two ago, i was staying with the two of them and i woke up in the middle of the night to her boyfriend raping me while i was sleeping. i didnt move and i didnt do anything because of how scared and shocked i was at the fact that it was happening and i was scared that if he knew i was awake, he would kill me.

the next day i told allie about what her piece of shit boyfriend did to me, and she called me a liar. he denied it and acted confused and like i was crazy for even thinking something like that. and a couple of days ago, allies mother messaged me on facebook accusing me of so many ridiculous things that i have honestly never done in my life.

i never thought in a million years something this shitty could possibly happen to me but honestly i should have known it would.

i met a new friend a year ago and even though she called me her best friend, i couldnt say the same because of how bad it hurt to say anyone else could ever bellas place. until a couple of months ago, i finally called her my best friend.

i met a guy and for once i was so happy because he took my mind off of everything and nothing bothered me when i was with him. but little did i know, he cared less about me than i do about living. he stopped talking to me one day and left me confused and heartbroken. all over a guy i never even got the chance to date. all he wanted from me was sex of course. and i was too naive to see it.

so the depression came back even worse this time. i completely forgot what it was like to be genuinely happy. and about five months later, i met another guy. the last thing i wanted was to be hurt by yet another guy. but he knew seanna(the new friend) so i figured maybe this would work out. seanna told me he liked me and i could feel myself almost happy again.

but of course as my life would have it, it didnt work out. i found out two days ago(literally the same day allies mother messaged me) that seanna slept with him last week and ive completely fallen apart again. but this time it seems so much worse and all i ever think about it wanting to die.

my life is literally one big unfortunate event. all i do is cry and feel worthless. i have no friends anymore, im only a little happy whenever im fucked up, i have to wear long sleeves because whenever i have a mental breakdown i run straight to a razor, all i do is lay in my bed and cry and think of ways to end it all but i know im too scared. i honestly just dont know what to do anymore.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

whispers

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

today i, once again, was welcomed by a quiet house; except it wasn’t. they’re avoiding me. as soon as i opened the door, i heard whispers. a lot of them. now they’ve stopped, maybe they think i can’t hear them. although i quite like arriving and having time for myself, i don’t particularly like the fact that, even though they’re still awake, they’re pretending they’re not. it hurts a lot, but whatever; i can’t blame them. i’d pretend to be asleep all the time if i lived with another me, so i can’t really blame them.

the whispers have started again.

although i’m not 100% this time it’s them. lately i’ve been hearing stuff out of nowhere. it’s weird, and keeps me on edge. but it doesn’t happen too often, so it’s bearable i guess.

thoughts i don’t want to think are overwhelming me, they all come at once. my head is a mess right now and i’d say i hope things will be better tomorrow, but i know they won’t be, so there’s no point.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

quiet house

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she and i went through one of the most painful experiences, at least for me, i’ve ever been through about two years ago. basically our group of friends just dropped us, and once we tried apologising for the misunderstanding, everyone was ignoring us and telling us that we were not the victims, and that they didn’t want to talk to us again. it sounds pretty stupid, and it probably is, but it still really affected me. anyways, considering all this and everything we’d been through, she dropped me, too. out of nowhere, stopped talking to me and just straight up ignored me. she was now friends with the “cool kids” and i think she was embarrassed of being seen with me, so i understand why she’d drop me. it still hurt a lot. but aaaanyways, the point is today’s her birthday, so i sent her a message to congratulate her, even though she forgot or just didn’t care enough about mine. i just hope she still has my number so she knows it’s me.

to change topics drastically; today i considered buying an ukulele, since back at home i used to have a keyboard, and playing it helped me a lot, but i’m not sure. they’re something i’m not sure i can afford, but i do think it’d help me clear my mind. i’ll have to think it over.

–
this is me rambling, sorry.

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Chronic PainGeneral

sleep

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake when i barely sleep, which is worrying. i really don’t get it. anyways, today i made a list of really short term goals, to see if it at least makes me a bit excited for the future. let’s hope it does.

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