In the last two weeks, I have had more and more thoughts of committing suicide. I have also gotten closer to self-harm, than I ever have before. I thought that I would be able to cope better, since I started getting help, but I was wrong. Quite frankly, it scares me.
I’m scared of the following things:
Beginning another depressive cycle
My girlfriend breaking up with me
Actually self-harming
People finding out that I have thought about this
Those same people judging me
Potentially being put into a mental institution
Attempting Suicide
Feeling like i have no one to turn to
I keep trying to change my thinking, but it’s hard. I don’t think I can do it, and that scares me.
5 comments
Dear Friend….I would hazard a guess that I am older than you (yesterday was my 59th birthday) but I strongly identify with most of the fears on your list…chiefly the fear of others finding out about my suicidal ideation, judgmental treatment and of having no one to turn to. I suffer from deep loneliness.
The sum weight of your fears is quite heavy. The burden of that weight cannot be understood or appreciated by anyone who has not “been there.” Well, I HAVE been there so you will get no judgmental treatment from me.
About a month ago I was ready to make my exit after seriously getting all of my affairs in order. And then, ou
…oops hit enter accidentally…..
And then out of the blue a couple of things happened that changed things for me….and they happened because I somehow found the strength and determination to make a radical change regarding my loneliness (no, I’m not trying online dating).
What I’m trying to say is that I concentrated on one area of my fears that I could actually control. When I did that, the weight of the other fears subsided dramatically. I think if, perhaps, you could concentrate on dealing with just a couple of your fears rather than getting overwhelmed by all of them at the same time, you might be able to feel less fearful in general. Only you can decide which of your fears fall into a controllable category. You could choose to be exceptionally romantic or thoughtful with your girlfriend for example (practice random acts of kindness).
Our fears and
…oops hit enter accidentally…..
And then out of the blue a couple of things happened that changed things for me….and they happened because I somehow found the strength and determination to make a radical change regarding my loneliness (no, I’m not trying online dating).
What I’m trying to say is that I concentrated on one area of my fears that I could actually control. When I did that, the weight of the other fears subsided dramatically. I think if, perhaps, you could concentrate on dealing with just a couple of your fears rather than getting overwhelmed by all of them at the same time, you might be able to feel less fearful in general. Only you can decide which of your fears fall into a controllable category. You could choose to be exceptionally romantic or thoughtful with your girlfriend for example (practice random acts of kindness).
Our fears and
RATS….I did it again!
Our fears and the resulting disorder they cause us are, for us, quite real when we are in the midst of our depression.
I wish you only the best of things possible…….
Im sorry u have to go thro this, it’s the worst feeling ever. But self harming isn’t the way to go, once ur in u can’t stop, i should know.
If u ever need to talk i understand what ur going thro.
jessicaloeber1234@gmail.com
Stay strong <3 u can do it