when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive done or havent done and continued by doing it when im angry. since ive realized how bad the result is i try not to, i developed anger issues over time and keep hitting myself and biting myself out of anger, its hard to stop. my head hurts so bad everyday and i feel dizzy sometimes no matter what i do, take medicine or even drink a lot of water, i dont know if thats because i hurt my head or something else but it scares me. i wish i wasnt like that, i wish i never did this, i might seem so retarded because of what ive done to myself but i cant help it now, i dont know what can. there are many other bad things including in my bad mental health, i became so mentally unstable that it scares me, so many bad and disturbing thoughts in my mind everyday, im even scared of myself, im scared ill snap one day and do something bad. i hear someone calling my name everyday even when im home alone, i really wanna believe that its not something bad and that im not a schizo. i often find myself having random conversations in my mind, it could be me talking about random things or someone is speaking to me, i dont understand whats happening and after a long time that its happening i try to figure out whats really happening. im kind of trying to express myself in art sometimes but im not too creative to do that, i just draw some shitty gore that is a bit close to what i feel. also im afraid to get help because i dont trust anyone that is not my close and real friend, i cant be open with anyone, even if i did get open and be honest id get to a mental hospital, thats my worst fear but my first worst fear is that my parents finding out about that, i dont want them to know how fucked i am. im slowly losing myself, i feel so lost..
i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air
that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.
i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend to be the child that she expects me to be; well behaved, never angry, always caring and always responsible. it’s been a few weeks since i’ve had this ‘new personality’ and i’m Exhausted. it’s so annoying but it kind of feels like it’s my job to keep it up.
i’m pretty busy now though. i have to get good grades in all my classes while also managing household chores. at least i have things to do, though my motivation has plummeted a lot, but i manage.
tomorrow is my birthday and, even though i’ve never been a fan of it, i can’t wait for it to be over already. usually people feel obligated to be nice to you on your birthday and kind of when it’s almost the day, they’re all excited and ask you all about it, or at least that’s what i’ve seen my friends do. but i don’t know, even though i don’t want to talk about it, no one’s said anything. actually, my brother had to remind my mom several times because she forgot as she planned random things on that day or whatever. it’s kind of stupid, but i just feel a bit like i’m disappearing little by little. so slowly that not even i can tell that it’s happening.
it’s been a long time since i last actually talked about what’s been on my mind. mostly because no one bothers to ask, but i also just feel like they’d be freaked out. they’re not very nice thoughts after all. i’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually. night after night, even multiple ones per night. that’s also exhausting. my head feels so heavy, i can’t even listen to music with lyrics lately lol.
ah, since i need to document this somewhere, i’ll write it here. a few days ago i actually got to “remember” the year in which something happened. for a while it’s been bothering me that i couldn’t remember at all the dates of certain things from my past. though, now that i know a date, i feel a bit relieved and also a bit frustrated. does my mom remember what happened? does she think i forgot about it? i don’t know, i feel like these are nonsensical thoughts.
my head feels heavy, it’s kind of hard to breathe lately. i feel like i’m thinking too much but i know that i’m actually not thinking at all. my mind is white, and it goes on and on. that doesn’t mean it’s empty though. i’m just waiting for brighter days
I don’t wanna fucking live anymore. I hope there’s no afterlife. I just want to die, and that is fucking it. If there was another realm or anything of the sort, I’d seriously be more fucked up than I’m now ‘cause I think the problem is not just with my body and my mind, but also with my soul – if there is any. I feel like some evil maggot has drilled a hole so deep in my skull that it is controlling every fucking thing that’s me. I just wanna be gone. Forever. I wanna die, and I don’t give a fuck about anyone. I don’t love anyone. I just can’t. Wait, it’s not what it seems like. I don’t want to die ‘cause I’m lonely or some shit like that. Not even close. I’ve people that actually love me bat-crazy, but I don’t give a solitary fuck about any of ‘em. Sure, I’ve helped ‘em with academics and still do, but that’s only ‘cause I’m condescending – Not because I like any of ‘em back. Heck, I don’t even reply to their messages most of the time. I’ve ignored everyone around me for almost a decade now. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they all hated me to the bone now. It’s understandable. I mean, who the fuck puts up with a shitty friend like me for years? It’s actually okay for I don’t seem to care even a tad. Anyway, I was the most successful kid at school. I was the consecutive topper for a decade. I was teachers’ favourite. Though I hated it, I was always surrounded by friends back in the days. I had the coolest of things; thanks to my mum! I was never bullied. I was never humiliated. I had a good run. Everything was A-OK except the fact that I could never be happy, no matter what. Nothing fucking mattered, and nothing matters. I can’t enjoy the things that normal people enjoy. Maybe I just never intended to try ‘em out? I don’t know. I’m 21 now. I never danced, never partied, never smoked, never had sex. Nothing really. I guess it’s just the way I’m. It’s not rocket science. Shit’s simple – I’m fucked up beyond repair. That is all it is. Mind you, I’m the shittiest person you’ll ever meet. I’m not even kidding. I don’t hate anyone more than I hate myself. I wanna go. I really wanna.
what i think is not what i think. my brain thinks whatever it wants to think, not what i want to think. its like i think without thinking.
I can’t rlly say that the thoughts are back but im starting to think abt it again. The second I realize im happy bam its all gone. Because these thoughts just start creeping back. Im really enjoying this time by myself which makes me want to disappear even more. Because I’ve actually realized how much I love being by myself. And I just I don’t know I still want to disappear. like i am happy i am but i don’t know if im truly happy that’s the thing. I don’t know if im just telling myself im happy so i can fake it till i make it? i just still don’t understand why i feel this way.
i really like this photo tho idk why i feel like it speaks to me. which doesn’t even make any sense but yea that’s just how i feel with this photo. even tho i don’t want to keep going which is what’s ironic.
i feel like i try to act all happy bc i know my friends are tired of hearing me speak about these. especially that i don’t really have anything to “complain” about. but i don’t understand this either. my friend told me to go to therapy but how do i tell my parents that. they wouldn’t bother listening. they care for me but just think im being a silly teenager. so i will just keep my mouth shut and just keep telling myself im happy. when deep down inside when i check im not happy at all. but whatever fake it till ya make it 😉
Also i would like to make new friends so if anyone wants to comment and hit me up feel free i have nothing else to do anyway 🙂
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
To die to sleep… to sleep… perchance to dream.
(Hamlet, act iii, scene iv)
You are the dream of a God; when you awake
will you return to the womb where you were born?
Will you then be what you were before?
Will your death be a new birth?
Is this dream absent during wakefulness?
Luckily here the mystery assists us;
as a remedy of our sad life
our fate remains an inviolable secret.
Let your future remain hidden under the fog
and walk calmly as you take your last step;
the less light there is, the more certain you can be.
Is our sunset the dawn of another world?
Dream on, my soul, in your obscure path:
” To die to sleep… to sleep… perchance to dream.”
The Immortality of the Crab (Inmortalidad del Cangrejo)*
The deepest problem:
of the immortality of the crab,
is that a soul it has,
a little soul in fact…
That if the crab dies
entirely in its totality
with it we all die
for all of eternity
* The title of the poem is based on the Spanish phrase pensar en la inmortalidad del gangrejo (thinking about the immortality of the crab), which means that someone is daydreaming, is lost in thought, is pondering. There’s a similar phrase in Portuguese: pensar na morte da bezerra.
To Destiny (Al Destino)
When I struggle, calmness overwhelms me
hiding your secrets from me, Destiny;
don’t let me falter in my path, because
without questioning I obey you blindly.
Don’t give me time to complain or beg;
spur me on without stopping,
and, like a sleepless pilgrim, let me
carry with me the fire from my hearth.
I want to win my peace through war;
I want to conquer the impossible dream;
don’t let me rest from trying to shed light
on the enigma within your heart,
and when I return to the bosom of the earth
let me deserve an ever-lasting peace.
Miguel De Unamuno is probably the most important Spanish philosopher, novelist and poet of the 20th century. His most famous works are: The Tragic Sense of Life (1912), Poesias (Poems – 1907), Our Lord Don Quixote (1914), Saint Emmanuel the Good, Martyr (1930), Aunt Tula (1921), Cancionero (Songbook – 1953, published after his death). He was born in Bilbao (1864) and died in Salamanca (1936).
Happy. That’s a word I wish would visit me more often. As I sit here and write my “feelings” or whatever, I think about the “happy” moments of my life. You know, when life looked colorful and pretty.
That’s something I would love to know.
I was never miserable. I was always smiling and I did what I was supposed to.
Maybe that’s where I went wrong, maybe I should’ve rebelled a little.
Maybe I should’ve experienced more things.
Maybe, then, I wouldn’t feel so wretched and miserable.
I keep thinking that I will run out of tears, but they just keep coming.
And you would think they would leave a warning? But they just show up out of nowhere ready to hurt me.
It would not bother me as much if I knew
why I felt so sad, then I could confront the problem
But I have no idea what is bothering me,
All I know is that I feel this void in my chest
deeper then a dark hole that just eats at me until I am left just a pile of sobbing mess on the floor
wishing I could just disappear.
I hate my life.
I can’t anymore.
Where is my happiness?
I think it got lost on its way to me.
I can’t go on anymore! I feel I’ve reached the end of my road! I’m sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.
37 years old and I feel so Worthless & Totally fed up with life! I just don’t see the point anymore! Why do I still continue to try, when it gets me Absolutely No where!! Everyday is So Freaking hard, & I’m still struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I don’t have anything left inside. I pray for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. “Your not worthy”, ” your a failure”, you can’t do anything right”, “just end your life & their won’t be anymore pain.”, that inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but wishing that was me.
Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you’re loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can’t even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel like I was a mistake. I can’t even recall one display of affection. I was sexually, mentally, physically & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have a problem in my relationships & friendships? With men in general. Why do I struggle with authority? Mom’s & Dad’s are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly criticised and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, laying in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despised & hated him for making me do sexual things to him, day in & day out! ?? There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said “ya” & they said “are you sure?” & I said “ya”. I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was So Scared! So I just told them, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!
It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. He couldn’t do no wrong in their eyes. He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!
Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to daily put-me downs by my father. She was a Severe alcoholic and just let my dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. So, to this day I haven’t seen my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can’t wait till the day they pass away. I feel that’s the only way I will finally find peace!
I couldn’t wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. I did very well at school and was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. So for 15 months, I did all the required hours. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work. The final straw was when my husband didn’t want to help out around the house cause “he was too tired after working 8 hrs on his feet at a prison.” We fought like cats & dogs all the time cause I would ***** & gripe cause I needed help around the house cause I just had too much on my plate. I was doing everything by myself & I just couldn’t handle it. But I seemed to some how get through those agonizing 15 months of college & doing my externship. Well two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself & ended up in the Looney bin cause I just couldn’t handle all of it! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven’t been the same since.
That same year I saw the mental health psychologist for the first time for the Major depression and anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, Social anxiety, & Borderline line personality disorder.
The next few chapters of my life haven’t exactly been no happier. My marriage has been falling apart since that dark, & dreary day. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at the prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things are going is good. I tend to always self sabotage. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.
In my early 30’s, I decided I had had enough of family’s fits and arguments and once again, tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn’t even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it. I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away. So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me so I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends. Shortly after my return home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn’t . The house & neighborhood we had chosen had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer. We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt, every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the fuse box. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it. I’m surprised that house didn’t catch on fire. We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn’t afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn’t take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hold, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment. We have been here almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She’s about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it’s just my husband, my girls, & me and my emotional support dog.
Within the year & a half we have been here, a couple times my marriage fell apart. Once for 4 months, & another time for 2 months. Within the 17 & a half years (almost 18 on June 10th this year) my husband took advantage of my & my girls love. He was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive towards me & my girls. I felt as if I was reliving my childhood all over again & it caused me to get Very depressed & suicidal. The abuse against my girls & I was just too much. I was so depressed, I didn’t have one ounce of a back bone in my body to stand up to him & say, enough is enough. I was in fear of him & had to walk on egg shells. I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough. Our crumbling marriage was in shambles, it started affecting my girls & their grades at school. I couldn’t understand why, I was so blind & it was staring me right in the face. I wasn’t strong enough in my mental illness to see it or do anything about it until my best friend helped put things into perspective. Only then I was able to finally take off the blinders & see things clearly for what they really were. So finally, shortly after Thanksgiving of last year I got up the strength to put my foot down & say enough is enough & I separated from my husband for 4 months & went & lived with my best friend & her husband. During those 4 months, my husband & I tried working things out but, I couldn’t believe any word that came out of his mouth. I had heard the same things over & over again for 19 yrs, what makes what he was saying then any different? I became so broken & depressed, I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & starved myself for 3 months straight, I felt I needed to punish myself & that’s the only thing I had control over. I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost. My best friend couldn’t just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate, so she tried talking to me till she was blue in the face. Nothing was sinking in cause I was so overcome with no hope & extreme depression. She threatened me many times to put me back in the hospital, & that’s the last thing I needed. She got so overwhelmed because she wasn’t reaching me after everything she said & did, so she started trying to get me involved in doing daily devotions with her every morning. I’m gonna admit, at first I didn’t want anything to do with it, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other, until I felt the Lord speaking to me through his word. That’s when things started turning around for me, I started to slowly have hope again & I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to very slowly start eating again, laugh again, praying again, & reading the bible again. When I felt myself getting stronger, & finally being able to make the right choices & decisions on what the Lord wanted me to do, I felt the right choice was to move back home.
Second separation with my husband was March 17th 2018. Before this separation, things were pretty rocky between my husband & I. We were fighting a lot, his anger was getting out of control & the day of the 17th of March, my husband put his hands on my oldest daughter out of anger. That’s where I draw the line, when it comes to my kids, nobody puts their hands on them! I got So Angry, I kicked him out & didn’t let him see my girls for quite a while. I was done with him, I tried everything in my power to get a restraining order on him, I reported him to DCF, I tried filing for divorce. Nothing was working in my favor, as their mother I was doing what I thought was in their best interest. After this last time, the Lord really opened my husbands eyes & heart & really got ahold of him & turned his life around. I saw a Really Big difference in my husband, I had never seen in the 17 yrs we have been married, & the 19 yrs we have been together. As of May 3rd 2018, he is a changed man & he has really came along way. He is now the husband & father he should be.
Now, here is my dilemma, my depression is coming back & its coming back hard! These thoughts are getting worse & stronger by the day & I am back to losing hope again.
What’s the point? Why do I even try anymore? I just Can’t go on anymore! ????
At a point in my life, I made the mistake of analyzing the bodies of other women around me. I looked at my sister and went through her clothes, wondering why I wasn’t as small and fit as she was. Then one day a thought was planted into my mind by a simple sentence my bigger sister said to me.
“I’m not going to eat for three days.”
I didn’t know that this thought would impact my life for years to come.
I first stood against that idea. I researched the bad things that come with not eating. It disturbed me. But with my mind in a place where it didn’t like what the mirror was showing, I conjured up some plans. I looked to a more healthy way of becoming much smaller but those never seem to work. I would always fail. Junk food always seemed to find its way into my hands. I started becoming angry at myself. Why could I never follow through? Why couldn’t I just lose the weight?
A few years pass and I was running out of hope. I was desperate. I was dating and I had finally gotten to middle school. I wanted to appeal to people but I also couldn’t stand the way I looked. Then that sentence that my sister had said to me before came and latched itself onto me. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? I was out of options, anyways! I even promised myself that I wouldn’t let it go too far.
So I did try.
And I liked the fast results it showed.
I didn’t stop. I challenged myself to more hours of starving. I made it a habit to look at the back of a package of food and drinks. I searched for people like me. I saw what they do to achieve they’re perfect bodies. I always looked into the mirror and was angry at the how the progress wasn’t showing as much, even reversing sometimes. I was disgusted. I couldn’t even bear to look at myself anymore without wanting to tear myself apart. I made the mistake of buying my very own scale. I was obsessed with the process of stripping down and stepping up onto it. Seeing the number decrease was like a drug.
I fell out of these deathly habits, however. Not completely, but it didn’t run my life like it did before. There was always a faint voice in my head telling me that I need to go back, that I need to lose it all again. Lose the weight. I was able to disregard it.
It’s growing stronger.
It hungers for…hunger.
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
I keep thinking about how my life would end and what other things I’d to prepare for it.
My mind keeps running in circles on whether or not I’d leave a goodbye note or just disappear without telling anyone. I’m afraid they’ll talk me out of and then I’ll have to face them later. I wouldn’t want someone to think they caused it but I want to tell them that they’ve been good to me.
I’d want to die quickly. I keep replaying a gunshot as the way I’d go I can imagine the barrel of the gun against my head and all (as you can tell I’ve never actually held a gun before), but the only real option I have is the train. It’s very close to my house and all I have to do is climb over a fence and through a very small foresty section. I know it works cause someone has done it before. I’m rarely home when it passes but I’ve checked the schedule and it passes around late night on Fridays so I’ll probably do it then. The problem is getting off my lazy ass and out of the house past my parents.
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
- everyone told me that being positive would help me through my recovery. everyone told me they would stay with me through thick and thin but they lied so now i’m starting to think that maybe they were just talking in their sleep. the problem for being positive is that there is nothing good about me specifically. i’m ugly, fat, and good for nothing. how am i supposed to be positive when these things are just the truth. and every day i wonder how much better death would be than living where no one even fucking cares and there’s not a single good characteristic about me. i have friends and i find myself wanting to talk to them about how i feel but i know i can’t because they’ll hate me. so now i’m sitting here wondering which is worse, neglect or abuse?
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to hold my life in my hands, knowing that at any moment it could end. I find myself clutching a knife and wondering what would happen if I just thrust it into my stomach or into my throat. I sometimes go to the bathroom and take the bleach and hold it in my hands willing myself to drink it. Even in my most happiest moment, the thought of death still manage to pierce my inner most thoughts and I become at the mercy of my self-doubts and self-hatred. I think about death more than I think about life.I can never tell anyone about this and because of that I feel like I am about to explode.
I am a coward. Only cowards would search for the easy way and death is the easy way out. I am so weak that I can’t even bring myself to do the one thing that I crave the most in this God-forsaken life. I can’t bring myself to end my life. I don’t find anything to be beautiful anymore. When I look at anything, all I see is wretchedness and brokenness and that includes when I look at myself. I can’t even see my family the same way I used to see them when I was a little girl. Now, when I look at them, I don’t feel love, I don’t feel hatred, I just feel emptiness. What kind of a monster am I?
All I want to do is crawl in a big dark hole and die and I hate myself for thinking this way. What about my unborn children? Am I really willing to take away their lives, before they could have a chance to live? I don’t deserve to live. Even though this note will probably be lost among the other notes right after I write it, I can’t help but hope in my heart that someone will hear my plea for help.
I’ve gotten to the point where I am afraid of my own self, afraid of what I am capable of doing to my self when I am alone. I’ve become my own monster. And I hate it! I want to be happy again. I want to smile a genuine smile again. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. Is it because of my weight? Is it because of my background? Is it because I am not good enough? Why? That’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. Why? I don’t know why. And I hate that I can’t understand my own self, I hate that I am being so selfish. People have it worse than me. What gives me the right to feel this way? I am a terrible person. That is why I need to die. My mind have gone bad. Sometimes I feel like I am already dead; in those moments, I just lay down on the floor and cry until my head hurts. I don’t have anyone to confide in. No one understands. Right now I can’t help but feel that this might be my suicide note.
these past few days have been weird, and i don’t know how to explain it.
i’ve been forgetting to eat, and sleep doesn’t come very easily; when it does come, it brings nightmares and i just keep waking up constantly. really aggressive headaches come and go without explanation. it feels weird.
for about 10 years i’ve had passive suicidal ideations, and active ones as well, but that’s not the point. anyways, they’ve been here for a while. basically, i won’t act up on anything, but i wouldn’t mind if something happened. even though i can’t even remember days where i didn’t feel like this, it seem like no one even suspects it, which honestly surprises me immensely. at first i thought if i made it a bit obvious, maybe people would care, but if i did make it obvious, it’d just burden others. i guess i internalised the second part of that a bit more; i do tend to internalise lots of stuff. i think i just want someone to care. everyone thinks i’m okay, they honestly do; and for the longest time i thought that, if they believe i’m okay, then i can’t be that bad. boy, i was wrong. i remember about two years ago i wanted to tell my mum i wanted to talk to someone because i didn’t think that what i felt was normal, but i never really said anything; something very much like me. i’m rambling quite a lot today; maybe i’m subconsciously trying to reach out, who knows. hopefully tomorrow will be better
tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she and i went through one of the most painful experiences, at least for me, i’ve ever been through about two years ago. basically our group of friends just dropped us, and once we tried apologising for the misunderstanding, everyone was ignoring us and telling us that we were not the victims, and that they didn’t want to talk to us again. it sounds pretty stupid, and it probably is, but it still really affected me. anyways, considering all this and everything we’d been through, she dropped me, too. out of nowhere, stopped talking to me and just straight up ignored me. she was now friends with the “cool kids” and i think she was embarrassed of being seen with me, so i understand why she’d drop me. it still hurt a lot. but aaaanyways, the point is today’s her birthday, so i sent her a message to congratulate her, even though she forgot or just didn’t care enough about mine. i just hope she still has my number so she knows it’s me.
to change topics drastically; today i considered buying an ukulele, since back at home i used to have a keyboard, and playing it helped me a lot, but i’m not sure. they’re something i’m not sure i can afford, but i do think it’d help me clear my mind. i’ll have to think it over.
this is me rambling, sorry.
i’m about to post things that have been going through my head for more than 10 years, but i’ve never shared with anyone. now, why am i saying it here? because no one can know. and here, everyone knows yet they don’t know; and i just need to get this things out, because i feel like it’ll maybe help somehow. last night i couldn’t sleep, and so i was sitting on the couch, watching the sunrise, when thoughts that haunt me decided to keep me company. this time, however, i wrote everything down. keep in mind i didn’t check what i wrote and don’t plan on doing it, because reading it might make everything worse. it’s basically me talking to someone and maybe sometimes to myself. also, it’s pretty long. i don’t expect for people to actually read it, but just putting it out there may help, who knows.
The sky is getting light now, it’s 4:18 am as i type. Weird, i don’t feel tired or sleepy at all; this is a first.
I feel like a zombie right now; just going through motions and through life without doing anything but make everything harder for everyone else. The space i take up and occupy i don’t deserve. I take it for granted when others wish they had it. I even dare say i don’t want it; I want to be the teen all the people my age i know get to be; even though they’re there and i’m here. I have such a wonderful opportunity’ one others would do anything if it meant they got to live it, too. And yet, here i am, wishing everything was different.
Speaking of things being different, it all goes back to when i was a kid. A tiny kid, who just wanted to make others happy and help them in any way i could. “If i can help them, then i will” is sort of what went through my mind. Looking back now, i think you saw that, and took advantage of it. You went, and lied, and used me, and tried to make me believe this wasn’t a bad thing. That this was just me helping you. Then why did it always happen while everyone else was asleep? Why were you always cautious of everyone? Why were the doors always locked? Why was she so angry at you when she found out? Why didn’t i understand?
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to remember.
Even though she found out, it happened one last time a few months later. And that one time was the worst one. Because by then, i knew it wasn’t right. I knew this is not something that happens to everyone. This was something i did not want; and yet i didn’t feel like i could say no. On past occasions, you didn’t ask. So i assumed i couldn’t back down because i said i’d help. I was trying not to cry, yet i was weak and let a sound escape my mouth, but deep down inside i was hoping you’d notice i didn’t want this. I hoped you’d notice how much it hurt. How bad i felt. How i wanted to run and never come back. How foolish of me. While you did notice the sound i made, all you did was ask. Ask if it was a moan of pleasure. Ask if i liked it. Then i cried. And left. But nowhere was safe anymore. You robbed me of happiness and freedom. To this day, i flinch when you suddenly get too close. And you think it’s just me being silly. I can’t stand using bathrooms without locks because of you. You robbed me of so much, it’s painful to think about it. It’s painful to remember. I don’t want to remember. I need to not remember or i’ll go insane. Even after all these years, you’re still robbing me of everything; my self esteem, my laughs, my peace of mind, my cleanliness.
Once while playing never have i ever, someone asked if i was a virgin. And i had to take a shot. Everyone looked at me like i was gross; so i lied. I had to lie. I said i was just thirsty, and that i didn’t even hear the question. I lied. I lied like you lied to me. And i don’t regret it. And you probably don’t regret it either. I want to rest.
The sky is now a light blue with some pinks mixed in, it’s 4:40 am as i finish typing; yet i don’t feel tired.