Running Away Again

I’ve always been running from my problems.  It started when my parents divorced and my mother gained custody of us and ran away to the Big Island.  Then, 9th grade of high school finished up and my dad was able to gain custody and I ran away from my mom with my little brother J to Oahu, not sure whether he wanted to or not. Not sure if he knew either. There was no contact between my mother and me& J.  Although communication was allowed, still a wall of silence.  Things were great with my dad…but then more problems arose; problems between my dad and I. We fight and yell at each other.  I dreamed of leaving Hawaii and never looking back.  I dreamed of getting rich and successful and my dad coming to me for help, and me turning him down. I think that he will regret treating me like crap…eventually.  When high school is finally over, I flew off to Virginia to live with my older sister C.  Virginia was fantastic! Everything I always thought it was going to be. I had a well paying job and I even met someone. My grades in college were all As. A year goes by and C and I start to have problems. Or I just start to have problems with her. We fight.  I leave her. I am silent to C, and my older brother which is C’s younger brother Ja, takes her side and so I have to be silent to Ja as well.  I transferred to VCU, an hour and a half away.  I moved in with my lover, Cl. Things were great, although I don’t have my awesome job anymore with its awesome pay. In fact, I still have no job, no income, no money.  Cl has money though and takes care of me.  My grades in school plummet from A’s to C’s.  I gained 20 pounds…My entire family still loves C and blames me for the fall out.  I don’t blame myself, because C is to blame. I hate her. I hate Ja. I hate how everyone chose her side! Cl and I have had problems before. During our biggest fight last October, Cl vented her frustration to C and they talked so much shit about me. I made Cl promise to never be in contact with C ever again. But she has, several times. Cl does a lot of things behind my back when I would tell her to not do any of those things.  Why does she continue to betray me?  We fight, a lot. I now dream of time fast forwarding to after I graduate college and join the military as an officer.  Because then I can leave.  Sometimes I feel like I hate Cl, even though I love her.  I’ve even told her I hated her maybe 3 times.  I wish I was born into a different family with a different identity. A fresh new start so I can be rid of the guilt and anger for all of the bad events in my life.  If I was someone new, I wouldn’t have all these anger issues. I could be normal. I could be happy. And not just happy for a few days in a row…but happy for maybe a few years in a row, or even longer. I used to be skinny, and fit. I used to love school and be motivated to obtain good grades.  I used to have a good job and a good income.  I used to have my family.  I used to be so in love with Cl, and her so in love with me.  With each new destination, things were supposed to get better.  Running away to a new beginning was supposed to work.  Maybe I could run away, one last time.  A permanent destination with peace and rest.  I need peace and rest, because I am tired of life and all of its disappointments.  I am tired of being me.