I can’t rlly say that the thoughts are back but im starting to think abt it again. The second I realize im happy bam its all gone. Because these thoughts just start creeping back. Im really enjoying this time by myself which makes me want to disappear even more. Because I’ve actually realized how much I love being by myself. And I just I don’t know I still want to disappear. like i am happy i am but i don’t know if im truly happy that’s the thing. I don’t know if im just telling myself im happy so i can fake it till i make it? i just still don’t understand why i feel this way.
i really like this photo tho idk why i feel like it speaks to me. which doesn’t even make any sense but yea that’s just how i feel with this photo. even tho i don’t want to keep going which is what’s ironic.
i feel like i try to act all happy bc i know my friends are tired of hearing me speak about these. especially that i don’t really have anything to “complain” about. but i don’t understand this either. my friend told me to go to therapy but how do i tell my parents that. they wouldn’t bother listening. they care for me but just think im being a silly teenager. so i will just keep my mouth shut and just keep telling myself im happy. when deep down inside when i check im not happy at all. but whatever fake it till ya make it 😉
Also i would like to make new friends so if anyone wants to comment and hit me up feel free i have nothing else to do anyway 🙂