So, past few weeks have been hell. I have been having extreme bursts of anger/violence. It isn’t me, it isn’t me at all. I’m a good girl and now… in less than two weeks time I was taken to ER in handcuffs in back of cop car (released same night) I had to talk to a therapist in a cheap hospital gown naked. I’d rather they strapped me in the chair as long as I would’ve got to keep my clothes on.
Anyways, cut to this morning … my dad was in my room and called me names and screaming and what have you… he barricaded the door and wouldn’t move I asked him to and he wouldn’t so I snapped and pushed him. It’s a horrible feeling seeing someone you pushed go down. You feel like a monster. You’re scared of the consequences and you wonder how you’ll handle being in prison and how you’ll find employment with a record. All in the while you keep going it isn’t fair … why didn’t he just move? Why’d he have to put himself in harms way? He wasn’t hurt. He used it against me because he likes  torturing me and threatening me with it. He wants me to hurt him so I’ll go to prison.
In closing I don’t want to die. I really don’t. I just want life to change. On Tuesday it will be my one year anniversary since I tried to kill myself. Ironically that’s his birthday as well.
I wrote this today…
“Burning of the flesh
Irritant of the eye
Cancer of the blood…
Kill off these cells that bind me to him.”