Mylife was happy b4 i came with him, all he ever do is beat and calls me stink names, and hes family wishes i was dead. It looks like he never wants to be with me. I feel aline and abondon, like i dont belong in this world. I took sleeping pills so i wouldnt feel the pain. 25 pills and it didnt work. My child does see me crying and tells me not to cry that i will be happy one day, and shes only 3.
I know a lot of people on here have the kik messaging app. If not, it is free. Just instant messaging.
I feel like it would be nice for a group of us to join a chat room on it though. It would be fun. Let me know if anyone wants to 🙂 I already have 3 peoples kik on here, so it’s a start
my kik is devinx7
I have a kindoff problem.. I have been depressed and suicidal for 3+ years now. Since 6 months I have the cutest boyfriend ever.. But he’s depressed & suicidal too.. Sometimes.. When he has a breakdown.. He tells me how bad he wants to die. It hurts hearing him to be in so much pain.. He often asks me if I don’t wanna go with him, after I tell him that I can’t live without him.. Problem is, part of me does wants to die, but the other one wants to stay and see where life will bring us. He and I have been sad again and he always comes over at sundays. But now.. We have planned to commit suicide.. I know it’s not a good solution to kill ourselves.. But I need a little support..
Acceptance is crucial. Kind of. And it happens to be relatively difficult for me sometimes. But I’m getting there. I have to accept that no one cares, no one loves me, needs me, or wants me. I’m insignificant and unimportant to anyone but myself. It use to pain me so much and it’s still upsetting but I now realize that even though it’s not ideal, I’m all I have, and all I need. I didn’t get very many good things in this life, but the one’s I did get I am grateful for. I’ve been holding off on writing my suicide note because I want to be in the right mind set when I do so. And I want to say all I need to say and to finish those last little things before I go. All I have is the small hope and faith and belief, and I shall hold onto that. This isn’t my last post, I still have until my birthday to go through with killing myself, but I’m accepting of it now (: which is a big step for me. So, stay lovely, and remember you are. Love from Hailee.
Thanks to those that read my posts about my ex. And for all the advice I got. I am in a much better place now.
My last post about him was how I let him go. It’s been about a month now. I feel better. I’m still depressed, but not nearly as much. I don’t find myself crying anymore. I don’t feel like I want to die. I feel like I can breathe now. Love is something else. Loss is crazy. Loss hurts like nobody’s business.
I don’t know where we’re going to end up – my ex and I. I say that because even now, I still don’t feel any real closure with him. Do people ever really get closure. We never had an official break up. Our break up consisted of “not at the moment”, “not right now”… and then having sex a month after breaking up. We broke up in January! Had sex in February. And I’m still in this. My heart is still half way in this. I had to let go, because even when we talked back in April, he was still flirty. He’s the one that broke up with ME and he still acts as if he wants me… but he doesn’t want me. That is why I had to let it go officially. Since letting him go he hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him. I didn’t even have a conversation with him either, I just told him to leave me alone basically and he has listened.
I’m opening myself up to the idea of dating. I met this guy that I work out with, he’s really sweet but I’m not sure if he’s interested. He seems to be the type of guy that has women as friends, so I can’t tell if he’s being just nice or if he could want more. I’m a shy person… But it feels nice to be legitimately interested in someone else, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. It feels like I’m letting go.
I do admit that part of me still wants my ex and I have a feeling he still wants me too, but it’s just not the right time for him to be serious with anyone. But I’m not sure. I don’t know. Which is why I let go. If we ever do get back together it has to be all or nothing though. I can’t stand the half/in between stuff we were doing, it was driving me crazy. I want a commitment.
But I am also opening myself up to other possibilities and I’m also letting myself get used to the reality that he could also meet someone else.
It feels scary and good letting go… I just wish that we had some sort of closure so I could stop hanging on to a hope, no matter how feeble it is…
So, let’s start this off right, shall we? I suffer from psychosis. Meaning, I suffer from hallucinations on top of my major depressive disorder. These voices are evil creatures. James – The ring leader – wants me dead. Hailey wants others dead. Jimmy – The nice one – left years ago, I’m assuming hallucinations can off themselves too. I’m so sick of hearing from them. And yes, I’m on medication. And again, yes, I have been taking it. I’m so sick of this world. Nothing good comes of it. But god help me if I don’t want to live in this filth encrusted world we call home. The one true love of my life left, she brought light to my world but no more. I might give in some day soon. This is not a cry for help, but an outlet for my stress. No one listens to me. They all want me to be locked up in mental bins. F— that. I’m not going back.
Part of me wants so badly to just end it but I know it would kill my family and I have a huge fear of not knowing what’s after. I’ve always been raised religious. The only thing that leaves is homelessness. My lease ends the 31 and I have no place to go and no family or friends willing to take me in. I can’t say I blame them though. Anyone been homeless and have any advice?
I’ve been feeling very badly lately, and it has been amplified by how others treat me, what they do and don’t do is affecting me deeply.
Lately, I’ve been in so much pain that I can’t seem to be able to verbalize my thoughts. I’ve spent too long being closed. I feel I haven’t had anything positive to say about myself, so I stay away from people. I also feel very bad about myself, so I avoid seeing anyone. I’ve been a recluse for the last few years, and because of my circumstances, I will never change back.
The only person who truly has been there for me is my boyfriend. I met him on a depression chat, and he was on SP for a little while way before I first came here. He may be flawed because he struggles a lot with anxiety and depression, but he loves me, and he is a constant in my life. I get upset at him over stupid things that don’t matter, and sometimes big things that do, but his heart is true and he is devoted. I would’ve been dead if it wasn’t for his support this past year. We’ve been there for each other.
I feel very sad because I know my inability to function has been because of my health problems. I can’t put into words how much this pains me, to see things getting to this point, and soon, and I won’t be able to go on. I am not strong. What has happened gives me great anxiety and distresses me to no end, a constant reminder. It is dizzying. It paralyses me. I am losing mental strength because of this. I can’t function. I am supposed to be getting married next year and moving in with my boyfriend this summer, but I doubt I can make it. Even with both our families’ support, there’s a lot we have to do before we would be able to. I am like an invalid at this point, unable to do anything. Everything overwhelms me. It is clear why I am unable to ever accomplish anything. It is clear that I am fucked. He wants me to hold on, that we will make it. But nothing is ever easy or smooth. He refuses to see reality. He doesn’t want to believe that I am beyond hope.
I am upset at boyfriend’s dad at the moment. No use explaining, but he did something mean and thoughtless. Don’t think he would like it if someone did it to him. It made me feel like I can’t talk to him anymore and don’t want to see him again.
I am upset because I feel I’ve been used by someone. Not the first time they’ve done it. It hurts me because I really tried my best to be there, despite how I’ve been feeling. I cannot deal with it again.
I am upset because I cannot clearly explain to a dear friend what hurts me. But I do love him.
I am hurt by someone from my past, an ex colleague, whom I’ve always respected. Someone from way back. He told an ex bf of mine a few years ago that he considers me a good friend, which is a lie. In the past, he has made me not want to reach out to him, and nothing has changed since. So I don’t ask, for years I don’t ask him for help. But I need help now, his advice on my health, because I know he understands, but he has made it clear to me again that I am not of any priority. It hurts me, because I’ve always held him in high regard. I kept away from people in my past for so long because of feeling so defeated, I didn’t want to bother anyone. Rather not talk about it. What’s the point? But now, I have this need to explain what’s going on with me to those that can truly understand — my mentors. I want them to understand how impossible and painful it all has been.
None of this would hurt me in this way, if I wasn’t already so hurt and in a bad state. I know this, but it doesn’t stop the hurt.
I feel things very deeply, animal abuse especially. It makes me not want to be in a world so cruel. I carry pain and guilt over so many things, and if I think of them for more than a few seconds, I start to cry. Everything hurts.
I know I can be happy if I wasn’t chronically ill, and now, my body has truly fallen apart. I thought I can fly to somewhere beautiful, to see what I love the most in nature again, and then disappear. I love lakes, trees and mountains the most. I feel most happy there.
“The mountains are calling, and I must go”
But tonight, I dream of going to the moon.
Greetings. I created an account just now– but I’ve been reading some posts here for quite some time. I hope this type of post is acceptable.
At first glance, you won’t really see me for who I am.
They see a curious wanderer, a determined overachiever, a hopeful soul, an enthusiastic teenager.
They say I bring sunshine, rainbows and butterflies wherever I go.
They think I’m awake at 3 in the morning because I’m eager to learn more about this world, because I’m comforting someone who needs my help, because I’m out running.
And at second glance, you still won’t see me for who I really am.
Because I don’t let you.
I’m awake at 3 in the morning for all of the reasons people assume, and more.
I’m awake because I run – I run from the things that make me sad. I try to outrun them, but how do you outrun yourself?
I’m awake because someone needs my help – and that is me. It’s a constant battle between the part of me who wants to be okay and sees the good in everyone, and the part of me who wants the suffering to end and sees that darkness comes from within.
I’m awake because I want to know more – know more of the why’s and the how’s. I want to understand myself and what’s happening to me. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe I’ll be okay again. This is the part I hate the most. The demon that makes me stay. The demon that is Hope.
I bring all the bright things with me wherever I go: this way, nobody will see the darkness within me. It’s a show. It’s a lie. I’m a lie. I’m a liar.
You see, I may have wandered a bit too far away. Hope has disappointed me for far too long, but I’m still here. Suffering, enduring, hoping. Suffering, enduring, hoping…
Are we all lost souls trying to find meaning in our miserable lives?
I have a friend, and our relationship had grown into something more. I have known that she has leukemia that has been in remission for a few years, but it’s back. After a long conversation she told me that she love’s me, and…. I have to say I love her too. Even with the things going on in our lives, I still assured her I was here for the long haul. I don’t want her to feel alone or like she has to face this alone like she did the first time. After a divorce that completely crushed me, I stayed alone for a year to heal myself before she came into my life. The day that she told me that she loved me, ( and vice versa )I asked her to take care of my heart, it’s been broken so many times and there’s not much of it left, but I’m giving it to you anyways, and she swore to me ” I promise to always take care of it, nobody will ever hurt it again ” and not too long after that she walked away without so much as an explanation or goodbye. Haha, heart broken yet again, but such is life I guess. I got a call today from her today, told that she had made a terrible mistake, but didn’t want to put me through what she’s going through, but I’m a big boy I said. I know what I signed up for, and that I wanted to be by her side through this no matter what the outcome may be. Now I’m torn, and not only that. I was listening to some of my favorite music, and the lyrics in one song said, ( though my ” will ” shall never break, but it will bend. Like the scars that heal, but never mend ) WOW !!!! my exact feelings put to music lol. Again there’s a few people here that know me and my story here, and I haven’t posted anything in a minute because I have been so angry lately and now this. And even though I’m stilled pissed at the world, im confused now. Because part of me wants to tell her to go ” FUCK HERSELF ” and part of me still wants to walk this journey with her so that I can make sure that sheI never feels alone, but none of me trust her. Lmfao, anyways, that’s the end of my rant. I hope everyone has the greatest of days. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Man oh man I surely miss those times before I was born, felling nothing, no hunger, no thirst, no emotions and times flew bye so fast don’t you think guys ?
So yeah I really want to go back to those good days, I don’t want a paradise or hell, I don’t want to be conscious, maybe because I fear to see my family from the otherworld.
But jeez it is so tempting, the good old days, jokes on me if we live again the same life.
so yeah, loosing it soon as time goes bye and as the gun locker laughs at me.
If anyone wants to know if I will do it try to read the saarbrücker zeitung or rather republicain lorrain, in a month or so gonna do it probably.
The reason I’ll do it in a month is because a good friend will come and I will tell her what I feel for her, and whatever happens next I’m gonna feel bad so yeah keep an eye out for me so you can tell the others that I failed, maybe makes a good story if I had done more.
Lately, I’ve noticed that my ability to rationalize has been strained, especially when it comes to decisions related to expanding my relationships with others.
On the one hand, there is the side of me that’s been institutionalized by cultural norms–the person that wants to get a girlfriend, wants to have lots of friends, and just wants people to like me in general.
But running counter to the institutionalized side of me, is the altruistic me, who believes that having any of those things would be selfish of me and that those relationships would be detrimental to those other entities.
And then there’s the third side that says, none of it really matters since I will eventually commit suicide.
It is impossible to reconcile all of them at once or even just two of them or even just one evidently. I feel like I’m literally going crazy. Decisions I make at one part of the day, I inevitably end up regretting and vice versa. I find myself always over-analyzing my moves, but since each moment of over-analyzing is done by a certain facet, complete with it’s own individual logic, I have to analyze my over-analyzing and still, those modes of thought are always regretted. It’s pure chaos and I can’t stand it.
Hey! I am a 35-year old guy from Finland. I first came to this board around 5-years ago.
I have meat here a lot of people. A lot of badly depressed people from many different countries ;=((
If there is anyone from any country who wants to email to me for any reason, please mail me at Tomialatalo@inbox.com
Well, very average at best. I long ago accepted my ugliness and depression but just recently after many years they’ve started to bother me again, making me more suicidal. Why? I already came to terms with it. Seems life just wants me to carry on suffering and beating myself up about it. Looks are everything to people nowadays and everyone knows it. They are the passport to a much easier life and happiness.
Everybody in this house just doesn’t want to exist. I heard my grandma saying this and how am I supposed to help her when I don’t even know how to find the reason to live? I’d like to help her but sometimes her mind is just not in as good condition as it used to be. My mother blames my grandma for the fact that my mom’s condtion is worse. That’s because about one or two years ago, when my sister and I were at school, grandma could help mom walk. In this way, she was still exercising. But when grandma went to the hospital, we needed to find other ways.That’s way mom is weaker, not able to move and gets tired easily. I think grandma was just too tired. It was more comfortable to let my sister and I do all the work. I try not to blame her. But it makes me so angry, when she complains about everything. That we do sth wrong, that we don’t speak loud enough, that we speak too loud, that we don’t stay at home when she wants. I’m just so tired. So angry. Let me die.
Well hey lovely people of suicide Project. I haven’t been here in awhile if you have noticed if any of you know who I am.
So awhile back I made a post about I Dye my hair. Its my self distraction from self harm. People seemed to like that so I think I’m going to make a journal hopefully everyday or maybe a cpl days or once a week in not sure yet. But I’m here for all of you. I wont judge because everyone needs a friend and you shouldn’t feel alone. So if I make a journal for you guys it’ll be self distractions vs self harm. I’ll so some of my own problems and let you guys know I’m here and your not the only one out there. I don’t care if you think its something time and no one wants to hear you. I want to hear you and I want to help you okay. I’ll be here Just tell me what’s going on ill give the best advice again or just listen if that’s all you want. I promise I’m here for you give me a chance . I love you all even though i don’t know you but we all are on this site for a reason right. I’m nit going to let go to waste. Sorry for this being so long but its worth it and so are you. Yes You! ALL OF YOU AND I LIVE ALL OF YOU.
My name is Ashaia you can call me Shai and ill leave my kik if you want more of a connection thank you for reading lovely ?
love you ??
she’s hurt and lost
crippled by all the pain she feels everyday
shes trapped and the doors are locked
there’s no one to help her
to hear her screams
to hear her drowning in her own blood
to hear she wants to leave this world
just to be heard by someone would give her hope back
but she’s empty
lost, lonley and dying
all she asks for is to be gone and never return
to leave all her crap behide
to leave the nobody she has behide
to just leave this useless place
Why can’t I be left alone why I cant be just left alone . I am once again being tortured by every one my mother my father my in laws im tired… Im telling my self not to cry … Every wants to control my life …..my husband dosent want to go home because of my parents …I just cant be left alone cant tell them I wanna go to utah becuse there gonna flip why why why . cant cry stop it . I dont know what to doo so lost ….cant even get a chance to fix my life …..Im not a big 21 years old im fucking 6 I forgot …
It’s fucking 7:11am in the NZ here I am woken up looking after my brother’s kids have to fucking do all the shit he would if he was here
- Feed them cereal
- Make my nephew’s lunch
- Get them dressed into their superhero costumes
- Have their bags by the door
- The whole time I’m doing this make sure they don’t cause World War 3 or argue over a stupid felt/marker because they are currently colouring in, in their books.
- Also make sure my niece doesn’t press the button on her Elsa dress that plays the whole song of let it go because I might be prone to pull my hair out….
I’m such a ***** in the mornings my nephew tripped on his bottle and I was like “have a nice trip?” I feel like clawing my eyes out. The fucking mother does nothing because she gets what she wants… Not my fault my brother is whipped *whip noise* every Tuesday, Thursday and second weekend he comes over to the unit to annoy the fuck out of me and make me feel pity for him because he wants to get back with his abusive wife who has cheated on him -.- FFS he’s a fucking idiot also he fucking involves me in his fucking drama it’s like fuck off I don’t want to deal with it I got my own shit to deal with don’t need your shit added on, on top of it. So he fucking leaves at 5am leaves me to deal with this shit as usual. *flips table* he’s the one who had kids either the condom broke or he wasn’t wearing one either way he is the father he should take more responsibility of his kids I find it ironic and quite hilarious that he calls me a looney/crazy person let he leaves his kids with me hmmmm? Fucked up logic much? I also have to watch my step nephew this weekend and he is a absolute spoilt snot who needs a slap or two but he’s never been hit before. Why put up with this shit you may ask? To simply put it I’m scared of my brother especially since hes quit drugs he is also quitting smoking and he is unbeatable one wrong thing said and he is like a ticking time bomb who has gone off *explosion noise*
Someone kill me please 🙁
I’m done with life