Sometimes, I wake up and the sun is shining. Everything is calm. I can listen to the noises of birds chirping and people who are happy. Other times, I am tired. I feel like I am being held back by a bag of bricks hanging on my back. Somedays I just don’t feel like it. I’d rather stay in bed and do nothing at all. Nothing at all. Stay by myself and contemplate life lying on back like there is nothing else more important to do. Somedays I just don’t see the point. I have always seen beyond me. I have always dreamed of what my life could be like, of stuff I wanted to do. Most of these things I dreamed them. I’m a dreamer. But I am also a coward.
Realistically, without even knowing it, I never imagined my life being actually a thing happening past 12th grade. I am two months away from graduation and I still don’t think real life is for me.
I am not an optimistic. I am not a real dreamer. I just like to think that my life was different sometimes. That’s all. I often feel like a fraud. I try to live someone else’s life in the hopes to be recognized as not being myself. That’s what it is. I’d rather not be myself. I am really not satisfied with my person, my looks, my decisions, my actions, my social interactions, my family, my should, my train of thoughts, my desires, my everything. I often feel like I don’t belong here. I don’t belong on this planet. It was not meant to be for me. Not for me. I took someone else’s place. Someone who could have done better, greater things than me.
But I am a coward. This is why I am writing here. Because realistically I couldn’t admit this to anyone else. No one.
Oh the loneliness I feel. Oh how I wish I was heard sometimes for what I really felt. If only someone could tell me which path would be the right one to take. I know life is all about learning but I don’t think it’s right to impose this to anyone.
It’s not.
1 comment
“Realistically, without even knowing it, I never imagined my life being actually a thing happening past 12th grade. I am two months away from graduation and I still don’t think real life is for me.”
I know what you mean. Things have been basically the same, ever since you can remember. The same basic routines, day by day. Now things are about to change (some things, anyways) and if you’re like me, you’re not sure how to feel about it. Passive, almost. Prolonging the inevitable, prolonging reality. Waiting, thinking, wondering, hoping, dreading, wishing.
That little event two months in your future has already come and gone for me, but I’m still not sure what to make of it. So I just sit here, stalling. Stuck in a loop that I will be forced out of at some point. But I’m not sure I can handle what comes after, and find the willpower to make my way in the world. Inspiration is a hard thing to find. For some people, anyways.