I’m far gone

I stopped feeling years ago now the only thing I feel is pain I don’t truly know why I’m typing this stuff…maybe it’s so someone that has the perfect advice to see it and gives me that advice and I make a better life but everytime I try I have the cruel reminder some force wants me to see and it’s that I was born to suffer everytime I’m happy I try to bring my mood back down so nobody can have the satisfaction of ruining it I’ve lost every single shred of me that gave me a will to live I want it all to end and I see death as my only option I realize there never was any choice for me this life I live was never mind my fate was already decided and I find no other option but to take a permanent solution to a permanent problem I would only die alone in the streets from poisoning or getting the living shit beat out of me I’ve used all purpose I have on this earth I think it’s time to end it I was never going to live the life I wanted to I was never going to get better and I’ll never find that special someone I was meant to die alone I was meant to be miserable I was born to die by my own hand and I guess I’m fulfilling that part I wish that everyone that knew me would forget I existed so no grief would be passed on by my death but no they will feel the pain I’ve felt for 5  years….wow reading that makes me feel like an asshole I guess that’s all I was and my mother who let psychiatrists drug me up from birth to the age of 10 before she realized how much it was killing me then from at my old school I was picked on so much I was afraid to leave my house IM AFRAID JUST TO STROLL AROUND THAT HELL AND ALL MY BULLIES MOVED AFTER I DID SHE DID NOTHING!!! DID NOT STICK UP FOR ME DID NOT CALL THE COPS WHEN I WAS ALMOST RAPED THOSE MEMORIES WILL HAUNT ME I can’t take it anymore