Suicide seemed like such a good idea.
Rationalized it with images of my family skipping happily into the future and my partner moving on.
Wrong, my family  and my partner are tense and angry. They want to help but they are so mad at me and don’t know how to.
Can’t explain what prompted to attempt it. I have no idea whether I wanted to die or just stop the fears, the doubts and the self loathing.
And now after 2 days, I’m still in hospital waiting for my kidney function to return to normal  and the drugs to pass
I still feel untethered to this world. No one and nothing matters to me. Its hard to feel loved when you don’t love yourself. I look in the mirror and see ugliness and stupidity
Its hard because I know my family want me to get better but I have never been well, never felt whole, all I know is fear.
2 comments
Hi, Ni84. How were you found? Do you mind me asking what you’d tried? It sounds like you’ve already spoken with your family and partner, no? Were you able to describe to them your feelings, and how long you’ve been feeling as you have?
Hello Ni84……the current, prevailing attitude about motivation for suicide is that the attempter doesn’t want to die. Instead, the desire is for the pain/fear to go away. In the mind of a depressed person, there are three ways to achieve this: sleeping, drugs/alcohol or suicide.
You are going to need to enlist the aid of a therapist to get your family and partner to understand how anger toward you is inappropriate and just not healthy, for you OR them. The psych classes I took in school lead me to feel they are directing their anger outward when it really should be directed inward, where it really belongs. They are making YOU responsible for what they need to take ownership of in their own behavior. Nope…not happening! I would urge you to open up to a therapist in the hospital about this and get him/her in your corner.