I’m 24 I’m a college undergrad and have been dealing with depression since I was young. Seems like I have to be strong for everyone but I don’t know how to let people be there for me. Every time I turn around the people I get close to leave me. Starting with my best friend being killed in front of me when I was younger and I blame myself for not being able to do anything like it should have been me instead. Not to add when I was young my baby sitter and her brother would take turns doing things to me I have yet to really talk about because I feel like less of a man for taking about it because I was taught that showing emotion is a bad thing, so I try my hardest to just bottle it all up. My mom left me when I was in high school with a father that I have a horrible relationship with seeing as though he used to beat her so bad when I was young and it was nothing I could do to stop it , how could I blame her for leaving. The only one that would stop it was my brother and he was Killed when I was younger. I am the person that keeps everyone strong but behind closed doors I’m losing it I can’t stop cutting or thinking of just ending it because it seems like it may just be the best choice. Everybody just up and leaves anyway so what would anyone care these days. I have friends I’m actually a liked person but this facade I put up is fake I’m not as happy as people think I’ve seen so much happen so much violence from growing up in the city and having to defend my sisters and mom and they all just left me. These years I have been in college I’ve supported myself and haven’t depending on anyone physically and emotionally. I feel like all my problems should be just brushed off because I have to be there to support my family and friends because so many depend on me but I can’t shake this feeling, earlier this year I attempted suicide but was found passed out and rushed to the hospital and every day I just wish they would have let me go. Even writing this now I feel like I’m just complaining but I just don’t know what’s next and what to do, there’s so much more that I could talk about but I just don’t feel comfortable with some of it yet so I guess I will just continue to bury it.
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Your story is very impactful. Dealing with that much loss and heartache will undoubtedly cause you to feel despondent. However, the key is to keep it in the past. Showing emotion, being empathetic is a very valuable trait, one that mustn’t be viewed as a character flaw. What happened in the past is truly in the past; you can’t change what happened or expect anyone to say they’re sorry. I know it may be hard, but you need to stop telling the story. Don’t let it define you. Reconnect with who you were before the hurt, the pain, even the abandonment. Now, I can relate with being left by the people you’re close to. In instances like that, its easy to feel as though we’re “not good enough” or “flawed,” however, you must see that you didn’t do anything wrong. I know it sounds like a rudimentary mindset, but it’s the best course of mental action. If they left you, so be it, you didn’t need them. Now I’m not saying that you should write them off.
I’m suggesting letting them off of your “potter’s wheel.” You can’t mold or expect people to become what you feel they should be. If you do that, you’ll be down and discouraged when they decide to maneuver away from you. You’ve supported yourself through college, and that’s a significant achievement. Take pride in that you’ve managed to accomplish all of that. Listen, we all have problems that we hide behind a veil. You’ll never get over it if you continue to dig up what you’ve just tried to bury. It may be hard. The voices that say, “You’re all washed up. You’ll always be depressed, just learn to live with it,” are lies we often tell ourselves when we gaze into the past. I believe that you can get over this. Tell your heart to beat again. Rewrite your story—your history—your past. As I said before, I believe in you. If you’d like help through this phase, I’m always available to communicate.
Your life has been filled with trauma. You need to see a therapist counsellor whoever and the sooner the better. I can tell you are past the boiling point of stress. Dont let it go any further please see somone and if that someone is no good see someone else do what you have to do now for your future. A healthy mind is what we need to endure. I’m going through a lot of what your talking about. I’ve let go and I’m getting help with a psychiatrist and therapy . I hope you dont hurt yourself . You sound like a strong person .
Dude – I was moved by your story. I understand completely about putting on a facade of happiness, I’m the posterboy. I just found this website and I too am a suicide survivor.
2.5 years ago I stepped off an 8 story building and with brilliant medical treatment I came out of a coma, my bones mended and I survived – defying all the odds. Who survives an 8 story fall? Well I did and I’m appreciative of the great medical care I received.
I have had success taking an anti-depressant in small doses. I take it every day and haven’t felt as low as I felt before the accident. If you are feeling depressed, maybe the medication can help you too. I never took any medication before the accident, but now I think that I probably should have.
I fully understand how one can feel helpless about a certain situation. I have been there and done that. However, at 24 you are young and just need a bit of luck in finding your way. I see that you’re a college undergraduate. My advice is focus on your studies, if you can and get your degree and then get into your career. If you are failing your studies or not enjoying them, my advice is to try something different. Hang in there buddy but don’t get yourself hung.