no one understands me, no one knows how much i suffer everyday, i cant believe im depressed again. i lost my loved one, i wish i was better for them, i wish i brought myself to show love and affection, i couldnt, i couldnt even keep myself up while im being stressed from school and everything, its so hard for me after the 4th(?) break up, it killed me, no matter how much i love him nothing will be the same. i dont wanna be with him anymore but i do, im confused, im so confused, i dont know what i want but all i know is that i love him, i love him so much, i lost the only person that never used me for sexual stuff and truly loved me, he was my best friend and a lover at the same time, he was as fucked as me, we loved the same stuff and he was the only one i was rlly open to, ive told him stuff that i never did to anyone else, he was special to me… now hes gone, i wanna believe that everything will be okay and i wont be hurt anymore and miss him, but the problem is that he’ll still have a place in my heart. ive never loved someone this much before, i felt like my first real love, i never understood how old people still have feelings for each other, but now i do.. thanks to him. i just wish everything was okay and the relationship wasnt toxic, it was the best relationship ive ever had..sadly its the real end now, i ruined everything, if only i wasnt this stupid to bring my depression back id be better for him. i think of him all day everyday, i miss him so much every second, i dont wanna be w someone else.. i just need him… our memories, its all gone now, it hurts so bad, but what hurts even more is that even if we got back again it wouldnt be the same. his name that i have on myself as a scar will be the forever.. even my dog reminds me of him because he liked her so much. his precious voice..his face, everything is gone now, i feel so lonely.. i just need a hug
Miguel De Unamuno – An Eternal Elegy
Oh Time, Time,
Oh terrible mystery!
The past does not return,
it never comes back again,
Yes, ancient, but always the same,
. . . . . . . . . . . .
When consciousness is deprived
of the passage of time,
what is it that remains?
What happens to light if the mirror is broken?
. . . . . . . . . . . .
oh Time, Time!
Lord of the world,
executioner of your children,
supreme cause of our bondage!
Once again the complaint,
once again the eternal song
that never ends,
how all is lost and nothing remains,
that time is passing
Irreparably, irreparably, do you hear?
Yes, irreparably, and never forget it!
Life? Life is constantly dying,
it is like the river
in which the same water
never returns again
and yet is always the same.
In the crystal of the flowing liquids
the waving poplars on the river bank
and the trembling image is never reflected
by the same water.
What is the past? Nothing!
The future you dream is also nothing
and the passing moment
is a mysterious transition to emptiness;
to emptiness once again!
It is a torrent that flows
from nothingness to nothingness.
The moment you touch it
all tender hope,
as if by magic or enchantment,
becomes a memory,
a memory that grows fainter
and is finally lost;
is lost forever.
Oh Time, Time!
Repeat, oh my soul, yes repeat once again
the same old song,
the sad litany,
the never ending dirge,
the same old elegy
of how time passes
and is never the same again.
The ”Alas!” of the one who is suffering
this ancient grief
is always the same,
the same old lament;
repeating it gives consolation,
an unceasing rosary, like the rain
again and again, a hundred times…
Oh Time, Time,
Oh terrible mystery!
Rigid torture rack of the human spirit!
How limited words are…!
Language is never enough to describe
our thirst for eternity;
it is too limited…
A terrible thirst,
a thirst that constantly weakens the soul
that contemplates the ocean,
– the immense ocean! –
which never satisfies our thirst;
it only fills our vision,
an immense ocean of bitter waves!
Images? They disturb the profound
nakedness of our lament,
embellishments that drown out
the single note that is deep and strong…
But, yes, images, different chords
that calm the melodic theme…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
It is the elegy that silence intones,
silence, language of the eternal,
while eternity exists
as the slave of time…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Did you destroy your watch? Not enough!
Lay down and go to sleep… that is best;
in a profound sleep
you will have conquered time,
your implacable enemy!
Yesterday, today and tomorrow!
A chain of grief
with links of anxiety…
You grip the horse’s mane
with tense hands
refusing to let go
and it runs faster and faster,
a runaway horse;
the tighter you hold on
the more maddening is its passage!
Don’t mutter out of one side of your mouth,
Enough now, that’s enough of your hours,
Stop this interminable drudgery
once and for all!
I want to escape from time;
exhausted, I want to finally
dissolve myself into the eternal
where yesterday, today and tomorrow
are only one moment
disconnected from the passage of time;
where a tender memory
is linked with hope
and merges with it;
where the never-quiescent waters
of the passing rivers
remain forever in a quiet lake;
where the soul can finally be
immersed in a bath of consolation
where Saturn dies;
where time is defeated.
(Fransisco Goya – Saturn Devouring His Son, 1819-1823)
* In ancient Greek and Roman mythology, Saturn (or Cronus/Kronos) was a titan (the titans predated the Greek/Roman gods) who castrated and overthrown his own father (Caelus/Uranus) and then he was eating his own children, because of a prophecy that he would be overthrown by one of them. This mythological figure’s meaning was later examined and analyzed by many (including Freud and Jung).
Some information about Cronus/Saturn:
They say that I’m a lucky woman,
being healthy and successful,
living in good, rich Germany.
But sometimes I wonder
if people are blind
and completely heart-deaf here.
A few weeks ago,
I was waiting in a hotel –
A guest from Australia
was walking through the lobby.
A mobile on his ear.
I heard him talking:
„They are like robots here,
all of them!“
He couldn’t see me in the corner.
Then I just read HERE
from this young man
Complaining pretty much
about the same things over there.
Is there any better place?
I doubt. I traveled a lot.
Hell opens everywhere I just
linger around long enough.
I stopped working now.
A freelancer, no lobby, no security,
trying to help other people.
Depression. Once again.
It is just terrible.
People try to help.
But they can’t help themselfes.
Just look at them.
Take away their belongings,
What will be left in most of them?
Everybody knows a solution,
but nobody really listens.
They just know, know, know …
But they don’t feel a thing.
I wont like to be a burden to them,
they have to carry enough,
without even realizing.
And I need no more suggestions …
I am done with pills since a decade.
I am done with therapy.
I am done with drugs.
I am done with people.
I am done with Shamans.
I am done with Gurus and Buddhas.
I just feel like a naiv child,
growing up to though reality now.
And realizing, that there was a
very good reason for delaying.
A dark night of the soul …
I think one must be very wise,
to really grow up here
without losing her inner child .
I am just a foolish woman.
I am tired. I am broken. I am lost.
I gave so much
and was sucked empty.
If god exists, well …
he will be late too, I guess.
Everyone was late in my life.
I got used to it…
I got used to it!
Am I suicidal?
I think I was, for way too long.
Not even this thoughts
bring any relief anymore.
I assume I am not.
NO, I am dead already.
And all hopes GONE.
I am so exhausted from
trying to start over
and over and over and over again.
And things just getting worse
and more pointless,
year by year by year.
Now I run out of time and money.
And I don’t belief in miracles anymore.
I am done with all this here.
For solving one issue
The universe provides four new ones.
I took a last attempt.
Sold my stuff, moved house and city,
ended another toxic relationship,
Took another run-up …
and felt worse then ever before.
I lost myself completely in this.
There is no higher purpose here.
It is all about rendering you helpless
again, like a six year old child.
It is all pointless.
Will the doors of our perception ever be cleansed?
It was an irritating morning, upset stomach and mind full of dreams. it was somewhere back to 2014, 12th grader, happily passed harsh teenage years, I was never anything special – in my own special way. Didn’t achieve too much, didn’t succeed at everything – “blank normal”.
“BACK in those days” :
I had my own problems: my dad wasn’t supportive or even “there”, even tho all allong he was 20 km away from me. Didn’t look good, was sick with horrible sickness, couldn’t find love, didn’t had time to go out with friends. Had avg grades even if I tried to get better. argh…. Regular teenage problems, am I right?
However, at 2014, I found myself fighting for my mom’s mental health. I didn’t expected to go on such a mental killing journey. She had suffered PTSD and went through a divorce. I found my self part psychologist, part friend, part parent and one of the main takers of our house and finance. All at age 18.
I wanted to share my burden with close friends, but those have been seen ditching me, each on his own way and reasons, thinking I lost time for them, doing nothing. They didn’t want to listen, and when they did, they could not comprehend. I felt like my pain is so horrible that they don’t even believe I have been through nightmares.
I never been a bad man, all I was seeking most of my life is some parents’ love, and to be raised as a kid – things I never had experienced thru my childhood. Maybe this can explain my “Lone wolf personality” – I live on my own, I feed on my own, but I still fight for everything I want, and keep on walking even when the “weather” is harsh. I manage to gain respect, and find girls that I like, and enjoy sole moments with close friends. Anyhow, I had to be like this in order to survive. And these hard days are yet to be gone. NOTE: my last birthday was forgotten by all of my friends, even most close ones. I guess that is what I get for being quite.
Last month, I celebrated 2 years of walking the “burden highway” – I gained money through hard work, helped my mom A-LOT, did 3 SAT and got to the best uni for engineering. I lost my “love of my life” – she didn’t want me anymore after a freaking week (she got cold feet) , I lost friends – they still like me, but I have lost all trust toward them. I LOST MY SANITY – can’t explain this one anyfurther. I lost my youth, and began feeling much more isolated than I really am. Beside my sole achievements as a young man (own a car, done first semester at uni – B cs EE , does street workout, well fit) I feel so lonely … on the verge of
After surviving few bad grades at Uni, After ignoring the fact that my best friends forgot my birthday, After knowing my (last which I care about) ex gf doesn’t give a fuck about me, After all other shit that happened and I still could operated as a regular human. I went through a breaking point. I thought I was doing well…
And then it happened…
I finished work and felt like I’m ready to kill myself. No real reason why, isn’t that a well known sentence?
I just felt that everything is shit, and that my damaged heart won’t ever heal. I felt that everyting I missed, already had done a hole in my soul, and that it will grow bigger with me growing older. I have already not seen friends for 160+ days, I have not felt free for over than 1000+ days, I have not felt useful for over 5000+ days. I wanted to kill my self.
I guess that seeing my mom again, helped me remembering what I’m fighting for. Because after coming back home, I had it all back together. Back to the acceptance of this shity path of llife, thinking that later on things will take a better turn.
You see? I didn’t had it easy, I “lost” things, and had to put off on social occasions and friendship, and love, and sexual relationships, or just …relationships.. and hobbies for a while… and to live with no money…. but in the end, I have had the best most efficient lessons I could get. I was taught what is tough work, what is university, the burdens upon being a grown man, paying for car’s hold cost, how to choose groceries and how to put up to a tough budget. I learnt how important is to be honest, and straightforward. I learnt how you should find a time for your close friends/family, and how open you should talk when words must be heard. I learned who liked me, and who is a true friend. I learned how to keep my head up and not to drown in rough seas. I learned how to support and how to be supportive. How to talk :
– into close-minded systems (aka banks/schools/healthcare sys’…)
– to women
– to friends
– to strangers
– to under employees
– as a leader
– as a part of a group
I sure did lost my sanity, but I gain more personality in the last 2 years, than I ever would in my whole life with out going through that hell.
Although I’m still having some fantasies about suicide, I keep on my mood up.
I know that staying optimistic is easy when everything at life is good, so I’m going to challenge myself, staying optimistic when everything is rough (like these years).
Personally, I don’t see how I meat new friends, or find a girl that I like. I don’t see a “way out of it”, but I know that things have to change- those are the laws of nature, and if I wait long enough, the right encounter will happen, and the right moment will be there. I will wait, I won’t be broken.
Stay tough, be brave, with regards, Jac.
Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.
Its my birthday in a few days.. April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test. I just want to pass. I’m so stressed out.
I have to take this test and find a job and a car and go to college for something I don’t even know what and move out in the next few months. Its just so much and I lie awake at night just thinking about it and dreading it. I haven’t done shit with my life. I suddenly have to do all this bullshit and figure out what I’m doing for the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I like! I don’t know what I can do that I would like to do and not starve doing it. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Plus the dept of college…
All my dad can to is still me about what I want to do and tell me about different jobs but I just don’t know! Nothing’s realistic!
And, on top of this I’ve had so many people and pets die. I’ve had two grandparents become diagnosed with late stage 4 terminal cancer, my grandad die, my grandmother grieve and is in the hospital now, and, of all things, my other grandmother get a stage 2 breast cancer.
My dog and cat even died. My pets i had for 14 years.. My grandad..
If that’s not enough my Mother has been making me fuckin insane! She’s been a lunatic! I understand her dad died and she has to grieve but she doesn’t have to go batshir crazy and make me suffer.
She’s been drinking every night she’s off work, and drinking herself to oblivion then acts like a manic. She will scream at my sister, dad and myself and wail and ***** and slam shit. She’s in the living room now, without two days of sleep, drunk out of her mind.
I just.. I have so much going on and I ***** to my friends too much as is. dont want to be a burden. But I don’t know what to do. I wish this was easier. I can’t even pay for college let alone enroll in it. I just want out of this whole fucking mess! I’m sick and tired of everything.
Why do I only think about all this at night, anyhow?
Wow… it has been over three years since I have been on this site. I found a new site I have been posting on more recently called inkvite. But I would like to take a step back and tell you my story…
As a child I had extremely bad separation anxiety but none of my doctors ever believed my mom. As I got old my mom noticed characteristics of ADD/ADHD in me and she tried to get me tested but no one would test me. She eventually gave up her fight.
As a middle schooler things started getting bad. I was always picked on and bullied. It was seventh grade, when I started to crave attention. I was gymnast at this time, but I really just used it as an excuse when I began to break my bones on purpose. I just wanted to fit in. I enjoyed the pain I put myself through. But that’s also when rumors and name calling got worse. Rumors like: she does it on purpose or she just wants attention. Names like: cripple, attention whore, fake, faker, or criplet. That year my sister made it public that she was a lesbian, so people started calling me gay because I hung out with this other girl so much. Even though the rumor wasn’t true it still got under my skin. I started drinking, smoking, and getting high every now and then with her. My grades started dropping and my mind never stopped thinking. That summer was good and had a lot of good memories. Then eighth grade started and it seemed like everyone remembered rumors and got a new vocabulary. They started to call me names like drama queen, fat, whore, *****, slut, brat, hoe, spoiled, attention whore, and anorexic. My dad began verbally abusing me and I would never tell my mom what I was going through. I bottled everything inside and somehow I had to make the pain go away and that’s when I began to cut. Soon enough it kept going and I was thinking about suicide. Well sure enough it was that day, but my attempt failed because my cousin realized that I wasn’t okay. When I went to school the next day I felt as though everyone could see through my fake smile. I cried in the bathroom stalls, praying for help, and screaming inside; but no one saw that. The only person they saw was an attention seeking, drama queen, who always over reacted. I stopped eating, I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin anymore. I even passed out a couple times at school due to starvation and dehydration. My grades kept sinking and nothing was going right. And then it was summer and I stopped my bad habits of drinking, smoking, and getting high. I got closer to God that summer but it seems all a dream now.
When high school began first semester was great and I met new friends and dropped bad friends. During second semester I started hearing more and more rumors again. Now bullying had gone from just verbal to physical. So then the cutting started again and it became an addiction because I couldn’t stop I had to cut every day the voices would tell me. One day school was so bad, I took scissors to the bathroom and cut six times. My best friend at the time Brittany, knew I had been crying and when she saw me in class she slammed her hands down on my desk and said “Alright whose ass do I need to kick”. I just laughed, a real laugh that I hadn’t heard in a while, and shook my head. This actually ended up saving my life that night.
It was summer again and everything was well until my “friend” Rebekah texted me and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. It tore me apart. I got my gun I had hidden under my bed, I placed it up against my temple, and pulled the trigger. The gun wasn’t loaded. Later that summer I found out it was a dare and she actually followed through with it. She apologized and I forgave her. But we haven’t talked since.
In tenth grade everything started out okay, until drama started. I honestly can’t even remember exactly what it was about but I know it lead me to terrible things. I didn’t eat for weeks. I lied to my parents told them I ate lunch, but I would purge after dinner. I got a boyfriend… His name was Trey. I thought he was a good guy until he began sexually, physically, and verbally abusing me. My cousin actually broke up with him through a text message for me because I was so afraid of him. At the time we broke up I was talking to another guy his name was Nick. I screwed up my relationship with my family because no one ever told me he had actually dated my cousin. And turns out my whole family still thinks I broke up with Trey for Nick, which was not the case but yet I couldn’t tell them the truth. I told my mom I was cutting only because my Trey threatened to tell her if I didn’t get back together with him. I broke her heart down to tiny pieces, the one thing you never want to hear your mother say is “I’m not a good mother to my daughters.” She blamed herself for my sister and I’s decisions we made. She sent me to a counselor and the counselor helped some and she also sent me to a nutritionist whom I hated, that diagnosed me with anorexia. I was diagnosed and put on medication for depression and anxiety by my psychologist. I started cheering at a local all star gym and I had stopped cutting for a month. Then my mom and I started fighting, arguing, not seeing eye to eye. It was to the point I wanted to move out of that house or just die. We were on a family vacation at Disney World in Florida, that is when my dad hit me and my mom saw it. But this wasn’t the first time it had happened, it was only the first time my mom knew about. I thought my family was going to be torn apart, I knew it would be my fault, and I was scared. I kept the past abuse a secret from everyone. But I met a girl that was a little older than me, she was actually considered a coach at the gym. But one night she decided to message me on Twitter because my tweets sounded upsetting and she wanted to check on me. She changed my life. She’s always called me her lil and she will forever be my big. We share many unforgettable memories together and we are always there for each other. But things got bad and I started cutting again, not eating again, and was sent to Cone Behavioral Health Center and was kept there for the weekend. Once I was released and able to cheer again that is what I did.
I then got another boyfriend, Josh, a preacher’s kid. I met him through his sister because his sister and I cheered together. I thought I was head over heels for him until he began to treat me as a sex toy. So I felt not good enough, not pretty or perfect enough for him to actually care for. I stopped eating again, I was rushed to the hospital due to lack of nourishment and dehydration. He came to see me in the hospital, but he left when I had to stay over night. We got into a fight because my parents found out we were having sex, and that was it. I lost him and my “little sister” at the same time. My parents were still fighting with me, but I was doing well only cutting every now and then. Thanks to my “big” for helping me, supporting me, and loving me through all the ups and downs.
That summer I did some things I really regret because I think back to them and all I want to do is go back and never let them happen but I can’t. My cousin and I started to have feelings for each other… and it all started the day he jokingly smacked my butt. Things escalated from there, but we never had sex. We were at my Nana’s one night together and I was getting something to drink out of the refrigerator and he walked up behind me and grabbed my waist and pulled me backwards towards him. In that moment my Nana comes out of her bedroom and sees us. She starts yelling at us. I run to my bag, grab my blade, go to the bathroom and cry and cut and text my mom before the word gets to her before I do. I have never felt like a bigger disappointment to my entire family… I felt like everyone knew by the time I saw them all again. I was so embarrassed but it soon passed over. We both still talk and hangout now but we are never as close as we used to be.
I was now a high school senior and I had another boyfriend he first treated me with respect, care, and love and I fell for his games. Soon it was just a relationship that revolved around sex, again. I started to feel like that was all I was good for. Nothing made sense for me to be alive anymore because no one would ever treat me like the human being that I am. I dealt with bullying from my peers while I dated him because he was twenty and I was only 16-17. He broke up with me over the phone because he “needed space” it killed me because he was the first guy to actually treat me like a girl should be treated.
It was about mid September of 2014, when things got bad again. I didn’t want to go to school, I begged mom to home school me, I had panic attacks every day at school more than one every hour. School was literally killing me. Mom took the time to research what she could do to help me. She found a home-bound student program that took a while to go through. So I stayed at home, while once a week, one teacher would come to my house to give me work, pick up work, watch me take tests, and help me however I needed help. My life started turning around and I had planned to graduate early.
I was tested for ADD/ADHD in January 2015, finally I got the help I needed all along. ADD/ADHD stands for Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder, however I have a rare form of the disorder that connects to anxiety, depression, anorexia, and suicidal thoughts and actions. The doctor took me off my depression medication and put me on a starter dose of ADHD medication. All this time I was finally out of high school and I was still cheering for my all star team, I still had my “big,” but now I was on a younger team. I became a role model to most of them, but I became a big sister to one of them. I took her in just like my big took me in. This sisterhood brought joy to my life. I started to get better like really better. I was happy. I started going to college cheer practices and eventually tried out for my college cheer team. I didn’t want to find out if I made the team or not until after my all star teams last competition and I wanted to find out with them because they are the people who impacted my life so much that I wanted to keep going. That day after competition, Mother’s Day 2015, I cried tears of joy with my team because I knew it was the end of one journey and the beginning of another because I made the college team. That competition weekend I became really close to my “lil’s” family. She had a brother, Christopher, whom I began to be interested in. I had told myself and her before that I would never do that mistake again. But it wasn’t a mistake at all. I started dating him May 25, 2015. I opened up to him about my life and my past and he’s supported me, encouraged me, and helped me through every step of the way.
The summer before my freshman year at college was hectic to say the least. Running around town shopping for those “dorm essentials” and he followed me every step of the way. I had to have knee surgery that jeopardized my potential cheerleading career because I tore my meniscus. But he was there through it all, taking care of me when he could, giving my mom a break. His sister/my “lil” got mad/upset with us, it tore me apart to a point I thought about saving our friendship over my relationship. But I talked to their mom about things because if anyone knew both of them the best it was definitely their mom. She said to keep trying for my “lil” and trying to involve her. She said she would realize one day that she is going to be okay. Even though he had one more year of high school and we knew the distance would be hard we persevered. As a college freshman cheerleader, life was busy to say the least. If I didn’t have class, I had practice or lifts; if I didn’t have practice or lifts, I had a game; if I didn’t have a game, I had homework; if I didn’t go home, my family and Christopher would come see me. But my friendship with my “lil” started drifting away no matter how hard I tried. I felt like a failure and I cut again. I had forgotten how amazing it felt. That winter I was able to talk to my “lil” and spend some important time with her and we have been sisters ever since.
Summer 2016 rolls around and freshman year felt like a big blur. I had lost weight but gained muscle and I was happy with my body. But I had torn the same meniscus as the year before, but I had surgery earlier that summer. And he again took care of me whenever he could, balancing out school, homework, and chores. Soon our one year rolled around, I couldn’t believe after all these relationships ending at about two months each I had been with Christopher for a year. He got me a promise ring and I had never felt more special, real, or loved ever before. I secretly went to “Senior Week” with Christopher. I had alcohol again, but not too much. But I really did have fun, it was a big step for me to get out there but I am glad I did. But at the end of summer it was hard… He had made a promise to come to college with me the following year. I had warned him about the expense. I told him he didn’t have to come. But he promised me. When it started getting closer to time to start back he realized the truth in what I had been telling him. And he broke that promise. We got through it though. And I went back to college but this time as an education major and a normal sophomore.
Fall semester of sophomore year was really stressful for me. I was taking too many credit hours and becoming more stressed. I started realizing the people around me that had become friends to me were actually hurting me more. I cut every so often.. I distanced myself away from them only to find a really good friend. Me and my boyfriend are great. I am still fighting anorexia, cutting, and the constant voices in my head. I have new medications for panic attacks and anxiety, ADHD, insomnia, and allergies. I have now been diagnosed as ADHD, severe anxiety, mild depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS), Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), asthma, and other allergies. These disorders are not exactly a choice… because if they were I wouldn’t choose them. But they don’t define who I am they just make my personality complicated. I write to vent, to keep me going, to help get emotions out a safe way.
I hope my story encourages you that even if you feel like you have hit rock bottom that there is always another perspective. I know that I am not perfect and I make mistakes but I am human. I am learning and growing to be better, it isn’t easy and I may fail. But one day it will be worth it. I’ve gotten closer with God recently thanks to the inspiration of NF music. But it doesn’t make the relationship with him any easier. I do know this, that God still loves you no matter how many times you fail, disappoint, or push him away.
Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
[contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]
i need someone to talk to…
i can’t deal with all the voices, the pain, the loss, the live…
i never noticed how heavy air is…
i wanna be me again… before all this happened…
the only way is to start again…
email me : firstname.lastname@example.org
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So this is my first post on this site and I am going to talk about something that just happened in my life and nearly -or did- messed up my efforts and trashed my hopes… I don’t even know why I am writting this here but I guess I have nothing to lose, that’s all… But just before really getting started, I just want to warn that I am French so I am really sorry if I do mistakes 😡 >.<
I struggle with depression and self-harm for now over a year. I did my first cut just before the start of April 2015. I had many up and down and no one really for me in real life. The only person that really helped me was people that I met on the internet but to get over something like this, you need help from friends in real life… I finished by asking to a friend some help, but she gave me only little help… but I will be thankful to her forever and she stills help. The first “friend” that I had that “really” helped me was my crush. My girl crush (I’m a girl) who made me realized I was bisexual. I asked her for help not because I loved her but because of something that happened but that’s not important.
She helped me a lot. She was there to listen to everything I needed to say, she was careful to not leaving me alone and was here to help me to stop cutting. For many months, I hide my love for her, being afraid to lose her as a friend if she rejected me. But then, I just could not hide it anymore. She knew all my dark secrets except this one. Last Tuesday, I told her before “running away” like I always do when I say something deep about my feelings (yes I am a coward ^^’). At first, she was nearly trying to run after me as I did everything to avoid her like the coward that I was, knowing that she was not feeling the same way about me. Then, I stopped ruining away, and we did like I never told her about my feelings and I was relieved that she was not running away from me like I did.
The next day, Wednesday, whe had sail, we had a little competition, together. It was soooooo weird and tense between us at the start but while going back to our town by car, things stopped being awkward, we acted as the friends we used to be and even text after that we went separate ways. In France, there was no school (yeah I still go to school) on this Thursday and Friday so we only saw each other on Friday at my 15th birthday sleepover (yeah I still do this dumb thing ^^’). It was really weird between us. Too weird.
She left this morning with my other friends and I texted her latter on because I wanted to tell her that I had found something to help me to stop cutting (because I started a little again and in the past few days, I am one week clean today, I had trouble to do not start again even during my birthday party because even then I was feeling like if I was not at the right place). The hours passed by (right now it’s 7pm21 in France), she did not answer and I finished my realized that she will not answer. This just broke me… I don’t know what to do… During months I did not said anything about my love because I knew that if I lose her, I will probably be not able to fight my depression… And I lost her. I don’t even know why to keep living, I have no freaking goal, nothing to look foward to…
Not really sure what to do anymore. Just let go of my antidepressants about 3 weeks ago after a 13 month period. Didn’t make me feel much better and the side effects were bad so I quit. Suffering now from discontinuation syndrome which is terrible. Brain zaps, sweats, aches you name it. I can feel myself slipping back into the same dark pit I was in before I started taking them. Feeling hollow/empty inside again, pretty much feeling like a waste of space and unmotivated to do much. Got that view of life again. The one where everyone seems to have succeeded and I failed. I have to watch those people I knew when I was younger (both good and bad) living good lives while I sit here at the age of 30 in my room in my parents house living off the rapidly depleting savings of my lost businesses that I once thought would let me live a comfortable life.
Still too socially awkward, unhappy and depressed to send out a CV or even bother looking for a job even with a degree. I think I don’t care much for life anymore. I’ve never fitted in. I’ve never ever fitted in socially and I don’t think I could fit into any company. pathetic. I feel bad writing this shit and having other people read this but I’m just trying to get it out of my mind and put it somewhere. I think I have to accept that the end of the road is near because I just don’t belong in life, never have. The fact that I’ve made it to 30 is an achievement. I first wanted to end my life when I was 20.
People are starting to notice more and more that I have problems given my age and poor progress in life, and they are starting to treat me like I am a deadbeat. I wish I could let them takeover my body and mind and let them feel what I feel. So why do I bother to push on? Probably because I want to see what happens to the world and to still enjoy the small things in life. I can’t help the way I feel now and the way I have felt all my life as an outsider, an outcast. I suppose you can’t choose the way you are in life but if you end up like me then its a life not worth living. I’ve reached the point in my life where I look at other people my age with stable jobs, nice cars , married etc and I wonder what it must be like to have their life, their mindsets. Must be nice to be able to function like a normal human being and experience things (relationships, careers etc) that normal people do.
I’m very grateful for the little I have in my life but at the same time I can’t deny the fact that ever since the age of about 16 I have felt like a lost soul that didn’t belong here.
Everything in my life is gone. My partner, my friends and my work. Life is not really worth living. I feel so much pain, anxiety and will not living. I feel the end is near. I had it all and lost it all.
Chimichangas are awesome, and so is General Tso’s Chicken, but Thursday I discovered that if you consume both of them in the same day, you will fart approximately 1,391 times. Which isn’t the best situation if you’re in public trying to get things done.
Also I went to pick up my refills Thursday and the pharmacy LOST my prescription. As in, I wasn’t even in their system anymore. So they had to look me up in a different computer and refill everything all over again. And it took them FOUR TIMES before they finally put it through the right insurance and got everything to ring up at the right price.
I am multiple decades old, and yet I still love watching episodes of Spongebob Squarepants. My favorite character is Squidward because of his world-weary cynicism.
I can’t stand daffodils. Pee-Yellow, Eyeball-White, Bile-Orange… too bland and too cheery at the same time. Those have got to be my least favorite flower of all.
Favorite flower: Stargazer Lily. I’ve told lots of people that this is the flower I want at my funeral, so hopefully when the time comes, SOMEONE will remember I said that.
If anyone tries bringing daffodils to my funeral, I will roll over in my grave and seriously consider becoming a zombie or wraith or whatever else is on the list of options.
Me: (*rising from the grave*) “I said NO DAFFODILS! Raarrrghhh!”
Humanity: “Everyone run! It’s Cordless the wraith! And she just had chimichangas!”
Oh my gosh, I have been trying to remember the name of this site for the life of me! I’ve looked every where for it for the past two years and then *BAM* I finally found it! No, I just went back through some of what I wrote and I feel bad for my past self; I was not a positive person, but I know it wasn’t my fault that I was depressed. No, here’s what’s happened the past couple years – p.s. sorry for the long story.
My best friend moved to Arizona in December of 2014; I missed her like crazy. I went out with a guy because I felt bad for him but I ended up making a best friend who I considered my little brother and my Twin. March 28, 2015 he was found dead at home – the anniversary is tomorrow. I was in so much pain, I broke up with my boyfriend – I was going to do it sooner but then my Twin died and I just couldn’t.
I graduated high school. That was the best part; I accomplished something that I had always dreamed of doing and I did it for myself. I graduated with a 3.65 GPA, over 500 hours of volunteer work, and with three letters. It was amazing.
I turned 18, I got my driver’s license, I got my first car, and I fell in love with a guy I was going to go to the same college as. We spent the whole summer together, we were madly in love and it was amazing. I moved onto my college campus since I was going to lose my car because I couldn’t make the payments I needed on it, and then I made a mistake and slept with someone who was not the man I was in love with. To my defense – although there never is any real good defense for something horrible like that – the guy I loved – let’s call him Presley – he said that we were just friends with benefits, that he was going to go ask one of my friends out. I was upset with him for saying that – i was in so much pain. I was in love with him, it had only been three months but I was still in love with him. I started chatting with someone and I went over to his place to watch a movie and I didn’t plan it at all but I slept with him. Biggest mistake of my life. The second biggest mistake was I called Presley the next day and told him. I had found out that the guy was a good friend of Presley’s and I thought he would go around bragging about what happened and I figured it would have been better to hear what happened from me. I should have just kept my mouth shut, I should have definitely kept my legs shut first, but I didn’t even know what was happening and then it happened. I felt like shit. Presley was in so much pain, he was going to leave me, but then he kissed me and he couldn’t do it. I worked really hard to fix our relationship, to fix everything that had happened, and it was working, it truly was, but then he did something that truly broke my heart just as badly as I broke his.
Thanksgiving break one of his friends came to visit him. He had told me months before how he was pretending to date this girl so that her father would be happy with her, but he told me when she came we couldn’t act like we were together. The girl – let’s call her Holly – had seen Presley and I always tagging each other in everything on Facebook so she wanted to see me first before she met any of Presley’s other friends. It was good, meeting her was awkward, but she knew by the way that we acted around each other that there was something going on between Presley and I. That week, she asked Presley to make it official between the two of them; he said no. Holly threw a fit and called her sister and her mother and had them talk to him to force him into the relationship. He said no, until her mother had him promise that he was going to marry Holly. And he promised. They were then technically engaged, but he had finally said yes to Holly and was in a relationship with her. The day I found out I had something I was going to tell Presley as well; I was going to become Catholic so we could be together. That was the only real thing that was stopping up, that was the only requirement. We had made up our minds that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but I had to make my decision and when I finally told him it was too late. He told me what he had done and I could have died in that spot if Presley didn’t hold me. I was in so much pain, I would rather have died than feel that pain ever again. It loss and betrayal, that’s the only way I could explain it. He kept apologizing to me, begging me to stop crying, but it hurt too much. After that, he lost his feelings for me. One day, he asked me to kiss him so he could get his feelings back. Eventually, they did come back, but he was still committed to her – Holly lives a few states away from us, so she couldn’t come see him all the time. Then, we came up with a plan; Presley would go into the army to get his citizenship and then he would leave Holly. Presley came from a different country – let’s call it Ghana – and his parents agreed to the engagement, so the only way he could get out of the arrangement was to become a citizen and then his parents wouldn’t be able to tell him what to do.
Winter break came and we spent practically every day with each other, trying to survive since the college cafeteria was closed for the whole thing. Even though he was with Holly, most of his friends and his roommates considered me his girlfriend, they kept calling me “Presley’s girlfriend”. In January, I met a girl – we’ll call her Amy. Amy and I had a lot in common and she eventually offered for me to be a roommate with her on campus, so I did. After I moved in, Presley came over the our dorm every night and practically moved into our dorm. One night, Presley said he was having mood swings – he was staying the night as well – and he didn’t want to sleep on the floor so he said that Amy offered for him to sleep in her bed. I didn’t want to be a ***** and tell him that he couldn’t – especially since Amy didn’t know we were meant to be together – so I let him. I couldn’t sleep for the entire night, so Presley said I should probably go out into the tv area of the dorm and sleep there. I did for a couple hours, then I woke up and went back to the room. I looked at the bed and I saw that they weren’t touching each other, that they each had separate blankets, but I just couldn’t handle it, it hurt me that he would do something like that and he knew that it did. He did it again the next night. He told me he would talk to me about it the next day but it just felt so wrong to have him do something like that. I went to our friend – we’ll call him Mike. I talked to Mike about it and he told me not to worry about it, that everything would be fine. That night, he went to Presley and confronted him about it; Mike knew that Presley and I were meant to be together and so he saw knew that what was happening was wrong. Presley took me back to the dorm that night and blew up on me, telling me that everything was over, that we were done. I cried and begged him to not do this, to not throw away everything we worked so hard for, but he would have none of it. He took all the things he could carry and he walked out without looking back. I was a complete mess, I couldn’t breathe, I had a panic attack. He was the love of my life, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and he just walked out. I went home that night to my parent’s place.
When I came back the next day, Presley came to the dorm to do laundry. He didn’t talk to me until Amy came back and then he blew up on me, telling me that I had been in the wrong, that he was done with me and he had killed all of his feelings for me. He had said so much and I just listened silently and took it all without shedding a tear. When he was done, I looked at Amy and I asked her if she could leave so Presley and I could talk. All she said was that she was going to hear about it later so she might as well stay. That pissed me off. We had been friends first, we became close because we had been almost in the exact same situation as each other with our men, but then her guy didn’t want to leave the girl he was with so she dropped him and I guess she had her eyes on Presley. So, we had to fight in front of her. Finally, she left, and that was when I finally let Presley have it; I was so hurt, in so much pain, and all he could do was look like he was the innocent one. Presley later told me that Amy had felt like I was being insensitive to his situation – *****, of course I was, because we were fighting! You don’t really think, especially after being hurt so much. In the end, we kissed and we made up. She later text me telling me to take all of my things and move out because Presley and I’s friends were going up to her asking her why she broke us up. That night, someone text Amy, saying shit that she was fucking Presley and was a ***** friend to me and she immediately text me, accusing me of being the one that did that – I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Presley called me and asked for me to come over after she did that and I did go over. When I got there, he asked if I had done that, I told him no, he tried to talk to her to get her to believe me but she refused to even look at me. That week, she told me again that I had to move out and because I didn’t want to deal with her lies and her shit, I did.
For a month, Presley and I weren’t really together. We talked, but we didn’t kiss, we weren’t intimate, we weren’t close, we were just ghosts. Spring Break came and and he went and saw Holly and visited her. He couldn’t stop texting me the entire time and then he promised me he would come home early, but then he changed his mind. When he came back, he said we needed to talk (this was last week, btw). We talked, he told me that he didn’t want to kiss me because he didn’t want the feelings to come back, and if he ever kissed me again his spirit wouldn’t be there; I would just be kissing a shell of the man I loved. We laid down in bed as we went over our memories and he couldn’t stop looking at me; he finally called me beautiful and I cried. Last Thursday he went to confession and confessed all of his sins, all the sins that we did, which meant we could no longer be intimate, we could no longer kiss, we were nothing essentially. He text me to tell me he had done it and, as icing on the cake, he had killed all of his feelings for me. That was it; I had lost the man I loved. He had betrayed me before by choosing Holly over me, but now he chose Amy over me as well.
Right now, I am completely numb. I’m tired of crying, tired of the pain. He made his choice, is what I keep telling myself. He chose them over me, someone who loved him unconditionally, someone who would have stayed ignorant if it made him happy, who would have forgiven him for anything. I loved him, but I can’t forgive him right now for doing this to us; he gave us up. We were doing fine, we were in love, we were happy, and he just gave us up. No person in their sane mind does that, that’s why I am so pissed. He gave up hope for us, he gave up on us, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I tried to convince him to have hope, that we were meant to be go through this and be together, but there’s only so much I can do before I give up as well.
Since we weren’t together for a month, I started having movie dates with an old acquaintance of mine. We’re going to call him Aaron. The first time we met up, I was nervous and still madly in love with Presley. We watched a movie and practically sat on opposite sides of the bed with a gaping hole in the middle of us. The second date we watched another movie, the same for the third, but the hole kept closing bit by bit. Last Thursday was when we had our fourth date and we were cuddling this time. We had our first kiss the night. Aaron is a great guy, he shows that he’s kind and patient and that he’s not going to take advantage or screw me over. Right now, I have butterflies talking to him, he makes me forget the pain that I’ve been through, but a part of me still loves Presley no matter how much I hurt.
Presley and I were together for eight months. Truth be told, I will never love anyone like I loved him. Thanks to him, I will be too scared to give all of my love out as willingly as I had given it to Presley.
So, that’s it, that’s what has happened these past two years. I haven’t cut since November, and through all the shit that has happened recently I haven’t had the urge or desire to. I haven’t even wanted to take my life. I am proud of myself and the woman I have become.
It’s Easter Sunday and all I can think is that my life could not possibly be more hopeless. I am 40 yrs old and I have accepted the fact that I will never have a husband, never have children. I haven’t been able to find a job. I’m stressing out about the 2 job interviews I have tomorrow. Everyone else I know is celebrating today with their families and I am laying in bed all alone unable to move. All I want is peace. If I fail to find a job again this week I think I will finally try to end my life. I don’t want to do this any more. I feel such longing. I used to be so religious. I feel like I’m reaching out for a God that I can’t find. Every thing hurts. Thinking hurts. I have no one IRL that I can talk to about this as they are all busy living normal happy lives. I don’t know how I ended up here but I long for it to stop. Thanks for letting me rant. I’m so lonely.
I have this urge to cut my arms again after months. But I don’t want to be interrogated again. Every time the blade is touching my skin, I would remember the day they found out. It was horrible. But I want to cut so bad. I did cut on my hips as an alternative but it doesn’t feel the same.
I feel so frustrated. I hate my horrible life decision. I hate myself for being a stupid and empty person. They’re expecting an adult but I don’t know how to grow up. I don’t know. I feel so lost.
Lost my job. Got bills. Leg ulcer that is killing me. No family. No friends. Plus, I get the “bonus” of living in America which means that without money I will eventually become one of the walking dead on the streets. Love to live in this isolating, uncaring, self absorbed society. Opportunities abound!! As long as you have the money to pay for them!!
America only works for the managers and bosses who pay employees as little as they can to maximize their own profit. Heaven forbid they should want to share the wealth they made on the backs of the employees that actually made their business happen.
I dont even know what to write here, im so lonely, i dont know where home is. Im so embarrassed about how i get when im upset. Im weird and it feels like nobdoy could possibly love me. Its 4:43am and im always awake at this time, i dread the sun coming up so badly every morning. I sleep all day and that helps but at the same time i think it’s not doing me any good. I haven’t worked in like a year. I just dont feel alive, all i crave is to be held but girls dont even like me, im not ugly so it must be me.. roughly 2 years ago my long term girlfriend left me a week before my bestest friend hung himself. Is this how he felt? I think about dying sometimes, like every night, it scares me but sometimes i cant cope. I’ve moved from town to town since trying to find hope but i just dont.. im 24 in a couple months and im nothing, i used to be so different, i was kind of popular through high school but now nobody wants to know me. I feel like i could write forever, im too embarrassed to talk to people about it because i know they’re tired of hearing it, plus they dont really care anyway. I dont have family to talk to, they gave up on me years ago. I just feel broken and lost..
I have always dreamed of myself dying at a young age and I hope it happens. If someone asked me if I could reverse my birth, I know I would. There is no other possible answer for me. My family always says I’m useless, so why should I be here? I don’t ever get why some people say that life is a gift. Whenever I’m in the car, I always imagine some car or truck crashing into me, killing me. Instantly or not, I just want to die. But the one thing that is holding me back are my friends. My closest friend, we have always stuck together, we told each other all our secrets but I know if I told her I wanted to die, she would break. I am her only friend, I don’t know if I can just leave her. My other close friend is also suicidal but we promised each other we would die together, killing ourselves. But I know she’s not ready to die just yet. I know life is good for her right now. Even though I care about my friends with all my heart, is it really worth getting up for the day? Putting up with bullies at school? Getting abused by my “family’s” words? Is it all worth it just to not hurt my friends, my real family? I don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel lost and very alone. I’m hurting, it’s nothing new and I have been for a very long time. The issue is I’m so alone. I have very few people in my life, and while I’m close to them I’m scared to ask for help. I love them so much I can’t stand the thought of dragging them down into the agony I’m feeling myself. I feel if I was gone they would mourn for a few months and move on faster than the horrible drama and ridicule that comes from dealing with “professionals”. I’ve been down that route and wasn’t helped. It got to the point where I began to fake being happy so others would leave me alone. I feel like no one can understand, I don’t even fully understand. All I know is that in this instance I’m lonely and lost.
I was hanging in the bathroom by my neck 20 min ago and my legs went numb. I wasnt strong enough, so I let my self down. I’m a 23 year old women and I’m in college. I am very alone. I don’t like to express myself emotionally because I tried it before but no one understood me. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anyone out there who feels like no one in the world understands you- who feels alone. I don’t know where to go or where to turn. I feel suffocate- stuck in a corner- always pretending everything is alright. But I’m tired and I can’t live with the pain I feel inside. Its overwhelming and I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Your probably wondering what happened to me that makes me feel this way.. But honestly, it’s nothing. I just never felt like I belonged- ever since I was a little girl. I had friends all my life and a big family but I always felt alone and misunderstood. Like if I where a different species trying to feel at home but missing something so deep and meaningful. There’s a big void in my existence but I yet seem not knowing what that void is.