Dead Man Walking

I discovered this website by accident while searching for ways to die without pain/painless suicide then i read an article entitled How to Die without pain and reborn again! [Tutorial]. I was moved and inspired by it and it made me cry. It is a great article but i think it’s not applicable for me.

I tried to be happy. I forced myself to be happy. to remove negative thoughts and people in my life but life itself makes me feel that i don’t belong to this world and don’t deserve to be happy.

I’ve been bullied since i was a child. My childhood days are the worst days of my life. They bullied me because of my voice. It is abnormal. It’s a high pitch but soft voice.I cant explain because whenever I hear my voice, it’s perfectly normal to me but they say that it’s like a voice of a cockroach(never heard of them).

So i studied hard so that I can be proud of myself and that they will stop bullying me. I’m always first in my class but that didn’t change anything. I dont have real friends. Like they always make fun of me and backstab me. I graduated as a Valedictorian in gradeschool. I graduated without friends. I graduated as the most worthless valedictorian of all. I didn’t win at school competition or did anything for the honor of the school.

I don’t have talents. I am terrible in speaking(bec of my voice). My handwriting is terrible. I dont know how to draw, dance, sing, play instruments. etc. Im not smart. Yes i graduated as a val just because of memorizing. im not smart, really. I am also short, chubby, ugly, and have fair skin. i dont have any confidence left.

My attitude is not good either. I dont socialize bec im afraid of people. Not the overacting afraid type. I just dont talk to them that much because im not really good at it, i dont know what to say and i feel that all of them find me boring which is true. I also dont have a great sense of humor. I always feel that people dont want to talk to me bec im not cool or pretty or popular and because i am worthless. I cant do anything good.

I’m always good to people. Im sweet and caring and loving to my friends. Yes i gained friends in highschool. im that type of friend who’ll always be there for u and do anything. but all my friends don’t feel the same way or do the same thing. I love my friends more than myself.I dont love myself at all. People dont love me so why should i. but i realized that no one will love me except me.

I always feel worthless, alone, incomplete and unloved. I have friends but i dont feel it. But i accepted the fact that people will never love you the way you love them. You cant make them love you. so that’s why i do what i want. I stll love and care for them even they won’t do the same. because that’s what i am.

I am now a college student and this is when i realized all things. That my whole life is a mess. That im just a worthless piece of junk. That i dont deserve to live. that my 18 yrs of existence is some kind of mistake.

I lived my life doing good things to people who do bad things to me. I lived my life caring for others more than myself and still end up being made fun of.

People especially my friends treat me like nothing. They always make me feel that they dont like me. that they dont want my existence thats why i push people away. im always quiet when im with them.
I have this close friend….my bestfriend. as usual, i love her more than anything but of course, she doesn’t feel the same. She’s funny and cool and our friends love her so much. I am just her shadow. Without her, i feel alone. I feel ignored. I feel unloved. our friends make me feel like im just nothing without her which is true..

I had a boyfreind in highschool but it was not serious at all and he didn’t love me. It’s just lust. we didnt have sex or what just touch yeah i am disgusted with myself for that. i just feel used. and in college i did have another bf and yes he just used me to satisfy his thirst but still no sex. i did love them but of course, they didnt do the same.

i always feel depressed. like all i want is to sleep and never wake up. I dont wanna eat anymore. i just lie on bed and stare at the ceiling. Do nothing. i just want to escape reality. i just wanna die. I cut myself for 3 years now. everyday is a bad day.

you might think that this is shallow but you know i cant tell the whole story because im not a good writer or story teller. and parts of my memories are missing. it’s like my brain’s self defense is on that i always forced to forget BAD very bad memories. and i dont pay attention to surroundings anymore.

Just go with the flow.
Just like a DEAD man walking.
Like i dont have purpose in life.
i dont know if im making sense but… i just wanna end this . but i cant. because of my parents. yes i have family issues too. but i cant leave them.. because if i do, i might be the cause of death. of heart attacks. i cant have any more guilt. I feel guilty for being alive and being their worthless daughter. My older sister is not reliable to take care of my parents. And i think she’s worse than me.

i cant do what i want.