You’re welcome.
It’s funny: people talk about how easy it is to find places on the internet about how to kill yourself. But, when you go looking, there’s actually very little. The “joke” sites far outnumber the serious ones. In fact, the only true serious one I’ve ever found is lostallhope dot com. It alone appears to have serious and well-researched information available on different methods.
But I’m serious about the Vipassana meditation and that book I mentioned. It sounds clichéd to say that “it opened a whole new world for me”, but, well, it opened a whole new world for me. And mindfulness meditation really is the best way to deal with rumination, which is the real driving motor behind depression.
Finally, while I support anyone’s rational decision to end their life, if you’ve come to the conclusion that your brother will quickly recover from your death, I think you are mistaken. Like I said, I support anyone’s RATIONAL decision to end their life, and rational decisions require good data. That includes good data on the different suicide methods AND good data on how our death is likely to effect our loved ones. And having someone at all close to you kill themselves is, generally speaking, devastating in both the short and long run. This is why I advise making the list and trying EVERYTHING you can think of both so you can avoid hurting others and, far more importantly, that you have a shot a having and enjoying life!
4 comments
I can’t find the thread from yesterday. Maybe it was taken down. In any case, I learned what I needed, so if others feel censorship is required to save other people, so be it. I’ve tried mindful meditation and various meditation practices at several of our city’s Buddhist centers. Just like the same drug works differently on different people, meditation has different effects on different people. Even after months of consistent practice, whenever I’d be quiet, trying to meditate or chant, my mind would be flooded with images. No, meditation didn’t help me, either. Maybe someone thinks that’s me just being stubborn, but so be it.
I got the information I needed. As someone from yesterday’s thread said (& I remember it well even if the thread was taken down), I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about leaving if I’m in constant pain, regardless what others think/feel. If others care so much about me, why not help me while I’m still alive? I’m not an economist, but I remember this concept called “opportunity cost.” When we make a decision to do X, we give up at that time the chance to do other things. We’ve prioritized. Those who claim to love me, who claim they need me ironically are never present. When I reach out to them, they’re eternally busy. They have enough time to hang out on the beach day after day with the friends they claim don’t get them, but they don’t have enough time to talk with me for a few minutes every few days. I get 3 words in a text message every week, and my replies aren’t even responded to. So why the hell should such “friends” get any say in how long I continue to suffer?
No, the woman from yesterday is correct. My brother will eventually get over my suicide, and if not, well, he made his choices. I’d have staid, as I told him over and over again, if somehow I either had some trustworthy companionship, or he was able somehow to be back in my life. Neither happened, and the more I let him know how I feel, the more he distances himself, like he’s disgusted with me. That’s the truth. He’s disgusted with me. He doesn’t want me in his life, he just wants the financial security I provide him–the money I send from our family farm, a place he visits MAYBE twice a year.
I won’t be deterred. And web masters can take down my words if they choose, but the effect on my life is null. I’m going to do what I’m going to do, and I’m NEVER going to feel guilty again. If you love me, show me. Be with me when I tell you how lonely I am. Otherwise, keep living your fun life and hang with your “friends” after I’m gone. The only mercy I’ll show is not to write a letter. What’s the f*cking point? They already know how I feel & it didn’t make a f*cking bit of difference.
“I can’t find the thread from yesterday.”
Our original conversation took place in the thread titled “Does anyone have the time to talk? Please?” It’s still up, but a lot of people post here, so it’s been pushed to (currently), the second page. Scroll to the bottom and click on the 2. If it’s not there, try the 3 (or higher). Nothing has been taken down.
“I’ve tried mindful meditation and various meditation practices at several of our city’s Buddhist centers. Just like the same drug works differently on different people, meditation has different effects on different people. Even after months of consistent practice, whenever I’d be quiet, trying to meditate or chant, my mind would be flooded with images. No, meditation didn’t help me, either. Maybe someone thinks that’s me just being stubborn, but so be it.”
No, I don’t think you’re being stubborn. I think your depression is being stubborn, but I guess you already knew that. And I’m sorry Vipassana didn’t help. It’s always frustrating when something that helped me doesn’t help someone else.
“I got the information I needed. As someone from yesterday’s thread said (& I remember it well even if the thread was taken down), I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about leaving if I’m in constant pain, regardless what others think/feel.”
I’d definitely agree there. I don’t know if you’ve ever read “Atlas Shrugged”. It’s about a future world in which a few productive people are left doing all the work while others sponge off of them and still, somehow, attempt to make the productive few feel guilty and obligated to the people leeching off of them. On man, John Gault, attempts to get these productive few to go on strike, withdraw from society, and form a new, small society of just themselves to wait for the collapse of the main society, so that things can be begun again. Not the best book ever written, but I always remember the oath that Gault asks of everyone as they agree to join the strike: “I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” That kind of formed my philosophy on whether or not I could kill myself, even with those I love being left behind, if the pain was finally too intense.
It’s just that, some of what you said made it sound like you thought your brother would easily get over your death, and THAT is likely NOT the case. This isn’t an attempt to guilt you into living, it’s just that I am just as concerned that no one kill themselves based on faulty data (i.e., my brother will easily get over this) as I am that no one live based on faulty data (i.e., my brother can ignore me, use me, and I still have an obligation to bear a life of pain for his sake).
At this point, in whatever you do, all I can do is wish you good luck and that you find peace.
Dallas
Iamzero.. I hope you find the thread from yesterday because I wrote you a message that means a lot to me and I hope you’ll read it.
Jason, I’ll hunt down the thread now, man. Thanks in advance…