Just saw a preview for the movie, If I Stay. Seems that a girl gets into an accident and she is left to decide whether to live or die. Then, she probably gets a glimpse of the life she would lead if she chooses to stay.
I wish I could see how my life would turn out if I stayed. I already made the decision to die but I am still here. Some days I am planning for my death and others I act as if I am going to live to 90. It is actually quite exhausting to live in two extremes.
It is crazy because I have no idea what the pain is from anymore. I have suffered for so long that the source if pain is gone. How am I supposed to help myself if I don’t know from where the pain comes anymore.
I guess I think that if I survive one more day, something miraculously may change tomorrow.
Just fuck. I can’t live like this. I really don’t care at all how this will affect my family and friends. I only worry about my cats. They are the only reason I am here today
3 comments
I know how you feel. I’m waiting for something to change tomorrow. I’m living for the hope that it will. Some days are better than others. But ultimately, if life can be these pits of despair, are the good days worth living for?
I too plan for life as if I will live to be old, and also plan to die soon. I can do that from one minute to the next, and it is exhausting. And confusing!
It is exhausting and confusing. It is such a weird way to live (if it can even be considered living… it is merely just existing).
I am wondering if the good days are worth it, too. Now, a good day is being awake only 8-9 hours and spending most of the day cuddling with my cats. My cats are the only reason I am alive
Yes, StillLost, I make plans…to try to live a healthier lifestyle for instance now that I’m faced with becoming ill if I don’t. However ‘good’ a day I’ve had (these are pretty rare nowadays), I always come back on here…suicide is my default, my go-to, my rock and only hope.