my life

I can’t go on anymore! I feel I’ve reached the end of my road! I’m sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.

37 years old and I feel so Worthless & Totally fed up with life! I just don’t see the point anymore! Why do I still continue to try, when it gets me Absolutely No where!! Everyday is So Freaking hard, & I’m still struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I don’t have anything left inside. I pray for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. “Your not worthy”, ” your a failure”, you can’t do anything right”, “just end your life & their won’t be anymore pain.”, that inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but wishing that was me.

Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you’re loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can’t even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel like I was a mistake. I can’t even recall one display of affection. I was sexually, mentally, physically & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have a problem in my relationships & friendships? With men in general. Why do I struggle with authority? Mom’s & Dad’s are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly criticised and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, laying in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despised & hated him for making me do sexual things to him, day in & day out! ?? There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said “ya” & they said “are you sure?” & I said “ya”. I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was So Scared! So I just told them, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!

It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. He couldn’t do no wrong in their eyes. He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!

Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to daily put-me downs by my father. She  was a Severe alcoholic and just let my dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. So, to this day I haven’t seen my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can’t wait till the day they pass away. I feel that’s the only way I will finally find peace!

I couldn’t wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. I did very well at school and was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. So for 15 months, I did all the required hours. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work. The final straw was when my husband didn’t want to help out around the house cause “he was too tired after working 8 hrs on his feet at a prison.” We fought like cats & dogs all the time cause I would ***** & gripe cause I needed help around the house cause I just had too much on my plate. I was doing everything by myself & I just couldn’t handle it. But I seemed to some how get through those agonizing 15 months of college & doing my externship. Well two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself & ended up in the Looney bin cause I just couldn’t handle all of it! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven’t been the same since.

That same year I saw the mental health psychologist for the first time for the Major depression and anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, Social anxiety, & Borderline line personality disorder.

The next few chapters of my life haven’t exactly been no happier. My marriage has been falling apart since that dark, & dreary day. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at the prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things are going is good. I tend to always self sabotage. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.

In my early 30’s, I decided I had had enough of family’s fits and arguments and once again, tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn’t even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it. I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away. So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me so I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends. Shortly after my return home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn’t . The house & neighborhood we had chosen had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer. We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt, every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the fuse box. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it. I’m surprised that house didn’t catch on fire. We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn’t afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn’t take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hold, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment. We have been here almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She’s about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it’s just my husband, my girls, & me and my emotional support dog.

Within the year & a half we have been here, a couple times my marriage fell apart. Once for 4 months, & another time for 2 months. Within the 17 & a half years (almost 18 on June 10th this year) my husband took advantage of my & my girls love. He was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive towards me & my girls. I felt as if I was reliving my childhood all over again & it caused me to get Very depressed & suicidal. The abuse against my girls & I was just too much. I was so depressed, I didn’t have one ounce of a back bone in my body to stand up to him & say, enough is enough. I was in fear of him & had to walk on egg shells. I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough. Our crumbling marriage was in shambles, it started affecting my girls & their grades at school. I couldn’t understand why, I was so blind & it was staring me right in the face. I wasn’t strong enough in my mental illness to see it or do anything about it until my best friend helped put things into perspective. Only then I was able to finally take off the blinders & see things clearly for what they really were. So finally, shortly after Thanksgiving of last year I got up the strength to put my foot down & say enough is enough & I separated from my husband for 4 months & went & lived with my best friend & her husband. During those 4 months, my husband & I tried working things out but, I couldn’t believe any word that came out of his mouth. I had heard the same things over & over again for 19 yrs, what makes what he was saying then any different?  I became so broken & depressed, I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & starved myself  for 3 months straight, I felt I needed to punish myself & that’s the only thing I had control over. I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost. My best friend couldn’t just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate, so she tried talking to me till she was blue in the face. Nothing was sinking in cause I was so overcome with no hope & extreme depression. She threatened me many times to put me back in the hospital, & that’s the last thing I needed. She got so overwhelmed because she wasn’t reaching me after everything she said & did, so she started trying to get me involved in doing daily devotions with her every morning. I’m gonna admit, at first I didn’t want anything to do with it, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other, until I felt the Lord speaking to me through his word. That’s when things started turning around for me, I started to slowly have hope again & I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to very slowly start eating again, laugh again, praying again, & reading the bible again. When I felt myself getting stronger, & finally being able to make the right choices & decisions on what the Lord wanted me to do, I felt the right choice was to move back home.

Second separation with my husband was March 17th 2018. Before this separation, things were pretty rocky between my husband & I. We were fighting a lot, his anger was getting out of control & the day of the 17th of March, my husband put his hands on my oldest daughter out of anger. That’s where I draw the line, when it comes to my kids, nobody puts their hands on them! I got So Angry, I kicked him out & didn’t let him see my girls for quite a while. I was done with him, I tried everything in my power to get a restraining order on him, I reported him to DCF, I tried filing for divorce. Nothing was working in my favor, as their mother I was doing what I thought was in their best interest. After this last time, the Lord really opened my husbands eyes & heart & really got ahold of him & turned his life around. I saw a Really Big difference in my husband, I had never seen in the 17 yrs we have been married, & the 19 yrs we have been together. As of May 3rd 2018, he is a changed man & he has really came along way. He is now the husband & father he should be.

Now, here is my dilemma, my depression is coming back & its coming back hard! These thoughts are getting worse & stronger by the day & I am back to losing hope again.

What’s the point? Why do I even try anymore? I just Can’t go on anymore! ????