Tag:

my life

I don’t know anymore.

by urmom69 10/2/2021

written by urmom69

By: yours truly (a sick in the head teenager)
TW ig idk how to do this lol um sh suicidal thought and questioning everything and also SA

Why? A question I find myself asking quite often. What is the point in anything if its all nothing. In 150 years, everyone who is alive at this moment, will be dead. Including yours truly. Though it is up to us how we spend those years. A sad realization my 13 year old self has come to is, in lets say 500 years, no one will know of my existence and probably yours as well. Unless of course you and I become famous to an extreme extent, or one of us becomes a notorious serial killer(that’s one way of getting your name out there lol). I don’t know why I have taken this sudden dislike of people. I cry a lot, I wish I was dead, I don’t think that makes me suicidal, right? I don’t want to do it myself per say, more like casually have an anvil swing down and crush most if not all bones in my body. I should go get my meds right now.

Wow already one paragraph down only a couple more to go. I have struggled like this since sixth grade. I was extremely bad for a few months and tried to hurt myself to make it all stop. No one noticed. Even when I wore a long sleeved shirt under my jersey in 80 degree weather, no one gave a second glance in my direction. Even when I had to wear my jersey without it , as a cry for help.It did not work. Then fast forward a year, i was at Tori’s house, and had a seizure. Then I went to the doctor, they saw the cuts that were fresh from a few days prior. I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was 7 to about 9. He would come into my room and claim he was giving me a leg massage. Didn’t know my lower private parts were considered my legs. Still have not told many people. To scared to be blamed and carry the weight of being the reason my family was ripped apart. It still makes me sick thinking about it all. Its haunted me alot. I dont know what to do about it, he just makes me so uncomfortable to think he was around my brother too. WHAT IF I’M LETTING A MONSTER GET AWATY WOTH ITY. anyways, next topic death.

The idea of death had always comforted me. The thought in the back of my head saying “dont worry ash none of this will matter one day when we are all inevitably dead. I hate more things then I like. I hate school,my mom, allison, mars, mrsdowner, mrs kurto, mr moulasion, mr grady, my father,my perfect cousin who is just so fucking good at College well i can bearly do 9th grade math. Now the things i love or maybe more like; haley, the best person to ever exist, i would have killed myself by now if I had not met her. She makes me feel safe and loved and not like im some freak monster in the wrong body. Next on the list is books. Reading also makes me feel safe and loved and similar to death like nothing matters because im in their world not mine. Kenneth my brother, hes annoying but I still love him, lastly music, probably the only thing keeping me san, thats all for now on tat topic.

Being bi and trans sucks, makes me want to kill myslef. I wish I was dead, ive decided to post this somewhere sooo hello wherever i post this. Anyways I am bi and quite honestly i dont get the big deal like fuck off you ***** i didnt ask if its a sin i just hate people some times. Also i am a trans male sooo cool ig I WISH MY SCHOOL HAD HUMAN DECENCY AND DIDNT CONSTANTLY USE MY FUCKING DEADNAME, lol. Sorry for this. I have a therapist, don’t rust her though. She gonna go off to my mom and then im gonna end up back at the hospital, WHERE SOME LADY ISNT GONNA TRUST ME TO TAKE A PISS BY MYSELF SO SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND WATCHES, WTF AM I GONNA DO DROWN MYSELF IN THE TOLIET WATER FUCK OFF. anyways have lovely rest fo your weekend.

10/2/2021 1 comment

General

Memento Mori

by Usami 7/1/2021

written by Usami

Metamorphosis

As the wind turns and picks up a leaf to take it on its own journey, the same are our lives and mine. It al begun when i was child: My dad and my mom broke up before my birth. His present for my mom as I was born: a cactus. I love him, very dearly. My stepdad took his place. well not really place, he merely existed in my life as a puzzle piece that doesn’t really fit in, but was good enough to give the false image of an complete picture. He argued a lot with my mother, more than once it woke me up and let me experience fear, i didnt wanted to see them fight. He had problems, alcohol, gambling and other drugs. His chase for small pleasures ended one night in an accident where he bleed on the kitchen, the Ofen, the floor, cleaned with the red liquid of life and death. I cant remember much about that night. One time they argued, he told me and me and my brother at that time :” I’m going to take you on a journey” The destination was intended to be a tree, a lake, whatever thing you have in mind when you think about an intended death. Luckily, it just ended passing out on the floor, drunk. My life turned around again as my dad, when I visited every weekend, never visited me again. At the age of 6, the devil or maybe just the reasons of desperation unfolded. He never came back. I never saw him ever again. He left shortly after I moved to another city, left my friends behind, i was too young, no phones or numbers. After he left, I only remembered bits and pieces. The school sucked, only had 2 friends, and i didnt do much with them. There was one incident I remember, dont ask me how I got into this but, some people knocked on our door one day and demanded to know where my aunt was. My mom obviously didn’t know, didn’t stopped them from choking her while she was pregnant right in front of me. Things luckily ended well again. After that I don’t remember much anymore. Loud arguing, but that was it so far. Until we moved again. The baby needed room. The new environment didn’t helped me, it all continued, only worse. No friends, only two people I sometimes visited. My introversion grew and grew, my grades only went down. The loud arguing continued, as the drinking too. One day I never forget Was, where he went into the kitchen, talking with himself about how it was his child and no one should take it. It is ironic how he was the one who took it from himself. After he went out of the kitchen, he had a knive in his hand. Went up to the room where my mom slept, my mom and my brother and me where in it. Knocking on the door, hammering on it, with a knive and without. He managed to get it in somehow. I only remember bits and pieces. I remember that I cried and told him that he was scaring me. I think i was 11 or 12 honestly im not sure. He eventually went down again with my mom, i think she could calm him. My brother and I where still upstairs. Eventually he up again. He said that me and my brother should go down too or he stabs us both. So we did. It ended with my mom calling his mother to pick us up. We flew out of the house. He didn’t followed us luckily. We stayed at my grandmas house for a day, we came back to the house the next day. Plants broken and on the floor, glass on the table. Sometimes the wind puts the leaf in water and it drowns or not. He apologized to us, said we don’t have to fear him. Said it would never happen again. It did happen again. Luckily without anything sharp. Just kicked in drawers, thrown coffe makers and so on. From this time forward it got atleast lighter, police came more than once to our house in my life. After that, it was just mindless drinking, gambling, and loud arguing. Drunken nights and so on. One day, where it happened again, he seemed to make the decision to leave us. He looked for another apartment and moved out. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best day in my life. Shortly after, my mom met another guy, stubborn hot-headed guy, but still. He had the heart at the right spot. I like him. He helped my mom really much, for which I am grateful. My introversion grew into social anxiety or social phobia as I like to call it. Now it is myself who ruins my own plans, which makes me doubt myself, hate myself, isolate myself and so on. And now I’m still living in the same house, you can still see some dents and holes in the door from the knive. I can see it everyday. I feel like im just moving in circles, finding a job seems impossible, i keep sabotaging myself. Jobs with a lot of people are hard to do for me. I’m scared. When someone looks at me while I do something, I can feel the eyes drilling through me, their assumptions about me feel true. I’m dumb, lazy, can’t do anything right, without skill, without anything remarkable. To wrap this up, I’m scared of every move I do, scared of every step into the unknown and known. This feels like a hell that has been made for me, and I was the one who entered it by myself. Thank you to all of those who’ve read it this far. I appreciate the time you invested in reading this far. Hope i didn’t wasted your time. Have a good day, may your loved ones never forget your name. Thank you.

7/1/2021 1 comment

General

Cold

by sadspock 7/17/2020

written by sadspock

[no censor]

I don’t wanna fucking live anymore. I hope there’s no afterlife. I just want to die, and that is fucking it. If there was another realm or anything of the sort, I’d seriously be more fucked up than I’m now ‘cause I think the problem is not just with my body and my mind, but also with my soul – if there is any. I feel like some evil maggot has drilled a hole so deep in my skull that it is controlling every fucking thing that’s me. I just wanna be gone. Forever. I wanna die, and I don’t give a fuck about anyone. I don’t love anyone. I just can’t. Wait, it’s not what it seems like. I don’t want to die ‘cause I’m lonely or some shit like that. Not even close. I’ve people that actually love me bat-crazy, but I don’t give a solitary fuck about any of ‘em. Sure, I’ve helped ‘em with academics and still do, but that’s only ‘cause I’m condescending – Not because I like any of ‘em back. Heck, I don’t even reply to their messages most of the time. I’ve ignored everyone around me for almost a decade now. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they all hated me to the bone now. It’s understandable. I mean, who the fuck puts up with a shitty friend like me for years? It’s actually okay for I don’t seem to care even a tad. Anyway, I was the most successful kid at school. I was the consecutive topper for a decade. I was teachers’ favourite. Though I hated it, I was always surrounded by friends back in the days. I had the coolest of things; thanks to my mum! I was never bullied. I was never humiliated. I had a good run. Everything was A-OK except the fact that I could never be happy, no matter what. Nothing fucking mattered, and nothing matters. I can’t enjoy the things that normal people enjoy. Maybe I just never intended to try ‘em out? I don’t know. I’m 21 now. I never danced, never partied, never smoked, never had sex. Nothing really. I guess it’s just the way I’m. It’s not rocket science. Shit’s simple – I’m fucked up beyond repair. That is all it is. Mind you, I’m the shittiest person you’ll ever meet. I’m not even kidding. I don’t hate anyone more than I hate myself. I wanna go. I really wanna.

7/17/2020 0 comment

Rants

hi idk what this post was even abt

by randomthoughts57 4/22/2020

written by randomthoughts57

Hi ok so idk why i feel like people cared more about me during school? Omg that sounds so narcissistic but i feel like i got more attention during school. Ah i hate saying that but its true and its sad that its true. That i simply don’t have happiness within myself but from attention of others.

And so now all my friends are doing there own thing which i think is great! i really do think its great but idk i just miss the attention ig. I miss feeling like people actually cared what i had to say. now i say something to someone and they just ignore me and talk abt themselves. when during school it wasn’t like that. i guess i have to get used to this because this is how life is. isn’t it?

i think life is like that. everyone is so worried about themselves they could give less of a shit of what you are doing? idk i guess i just feel like everyone is annoyed by me? or everyone is annoyed by me talking. because every time i talk i can tell no one cares. and even if they don’t mean it like that ik what they are thinking. i can tell.

i guess its just weird for me? which again super narcissistic of me to say. but whatever thats how i feel thats how my life is going currently.

a random update on my life because none of my friends seem to care. ive been working out lately. and it makes me feel a lot better because im finally doing something for myself. i also have been listening to emma chamberlains podcast. which is really good i highly recommend.

im just happy i found this website tbh. bc now i can let things go and no one is reading these most likely but i really don’t care. i used to write stuff down, print it out, and put it in an envelope in my drawer where no one could find it. and this is so much better of an outlet! so i hope everyone else on this website feels the same.

life is definitely not all sunshine and rainbows for ANYONE. no matter how good ur life is there is always something. and as human beings we just have to get used to that. i truly believe no one can live a only happy life. bc in my opinion thats boring. its fun to have some stuff going on not just sunshine and rainbows. and maybe people will disagree with me which is completely fineeee.

anyway that’s it for right now at least i might come back later to talk more.

4/22/2020 2 comments

Chronic Pain Coping Skills Family & Friends Effects I Will Survive Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss

1115 Days…

by JCITM 2/9/2020

written by JCITM

One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.

2/9/2020 9 comments

Chronic Pain Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Poetry & Art Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

Being a good and nice person is not enough

by niki 12/17/2019

written by niki

You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).

Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.

Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.

Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.

12/17/2019 3 comments

Rants

i don’t know what to fucking do anymore

by unknown 5/1/2019

written by unknown

i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.

sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.

5/1/2019 5 comments

General Rants

by unknown 4/13/2019

written by unknown

i’m such a disappointment. my first semester in college i did shit. i was put on academic probation and i have yet to tell anyone, not even my parents. i’m going to fail out of college because i’m so fucking dumb. i either don’t get anything or i’m just stupid and too depressed to get up and do my shit. i have no fucking job cause i’m dumb. i have no one, no friends to talk to. i’ve been relying on apps to meet people and even then i somehow disappoint them. ill probably end up lonely since i’m too fucking scared to kill myself and disappoint everyone again.

4/13/2019 0 comment

General

by unknown 4/10/2019

written by unknown

i’m so desperate to find love. attention. hope. maybe i’m just looking for a reason to live. i feel so dead inside, but if you saw me in person you’d think i’m happy. iv been doing this for 8 years, i put on a good act. although i’ve wished someone would catch on. i wish someone would notice. there’s so many things wrong. i just want it to end.

4/10/2019 2 comments

General

its me, im new

by unknown 4/9/2019

written by unknown

I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.

goodnight.

4/9/2019 4 comments

General Rants

What is the point?

by quantum 1/10/2019

written by quantum

What really is the meaning of life? I cost my parents a bunch of money and feel like a burden on them. I have 2 friends that actually seem to care about me. My work is dropping me. If I end it, i will no longer have to feel this way. People will be sad, but I won’t have to think about it when I’m dead. Therapy doesn’t seem to do anything for me.

1/10/2019 2 comments

General

Hi everyone

by Undesirable 1/6/2019

written by Undesirable

(tl:dr- hi, I’m depressed too)

I discovered this site back around March 2018. I used to check it every night or so, just see what others were going through. Since then I’ve checked it now and then, but not much. The only name that still sticks in my head is Clipped Wings, I forget why though.

I’ve been depressed for a few months over a year now, and I think making an account here might help, and give me the chance to help others. I’ve always thought of killing myself, I’ve come close only a few times though.

I’ve had a girlfriend for the past year. She’s the only one whose helped me, and the only one who knows I’m depressed (I don’t like everyone knowing, depressed just doesn’t seem like “me”, and I don’t like excess attention). She’s the center of my world. Our relationship has it’s ups and downs (the downs really upset me though) but despite all the times she’s yelled at me, I’ve never yelled at her. She has depression too, and she’s had it for a lot longer than I have. I do my best to help her, and she says that if it weren’t for me, she’d be dead.

She also says that I’m very talented with my musical abilities. I don’t see it though.

I love making jokes to make people feel better, other than that, I’m very quiet in school. I’m in all advanced classes though. I used to have a lot of friends who enjoyed hearing the jokes. But there were always people who hated me because of them, they would make rumors about me. Eventually the number of people who still liked me shrank greatly because of this. She still loved me though.

That’s a little about me. I’m currently very stressed out, and have a lot on my plate. I look forward to getting to know everyone.

See you soon,

-U

1/6/2019 5 comments

My Suicide Note Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

I have been living a lie

by anonym254 11/19/2018

written by anonym254

I can’t stop shaking.

I’ve been lying to my parents for 3 years. They think I’m about to graduate from university when in fact I haven’t been going to school. My parents are so proud of me. It’s all a lie. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have no friends, I have nobody except for my parents, where do I even begin to pick up my life? The son that they love is a complete lie, he doesn’t exist. i have had really bad social anxiety and depression that i haven’t been able to even get up and go to class.My life has just been a downfall because in 2015 i was in rehab for 3 months (for which i dont regret because i met awesome people in there who drugs really messed their life up) for smoking cigarettes and being “untidy” (my dad almost beat me before i was taken) and my parents looked at me like an outcast. I joined uni in 2016 (different university because i dropped out of my first one which i joined in 2013 because of rehab and had missed alot of classes because of bad anxiety and depression) and they were kind of happy that i was trying to turn my life around. For the first year i was able to go some classes but eventually my anxiety kicked in and from 2017 i started missing classes .In one semester i was even able to attend all my classes but i didn’t take the exam because of my anxiety. I became depressed because of missing classes and not doing shit and havent been able to do anything since. I continued to lie to them and now its the final week to graduation and i dont know what to tell them and how to say it to them. i know im fucked and there is nothing much i can do except the truth but having an abusive father as i have knowing he could kill me, i might as well do it before he does. The only person who could help me is my mom and after this she wont want anything to do with me. My family looks at me weird and both of my sisters hate me. Also my sister is graduating this year and my elder sister has a masters and that even adds more disappointment. I really want to finish school though and purse my other career which i have been focusing on for the past few years in music. But it looks like this is the end of the road for me so if you dont hear any feedback from me in the next few days or at least a week.. it was nice writing this down for someone else to read and i hope no one ever gets in such a shitty situation. I put my final piece of music that i was working on because i dont know of my future. Its an instrumental (im a producer/audio engineer) Thanks and Goodbye.

11/19/2018 7 comments

General

For I’ve returned, with less pain

by Mimo 10/13/2018

written by Mimo

To have been broken and fed to hounds,

Restiched and tossed once more. I must find my own paths alone.

For I am too broken to be man,

Too heartbroken to feel winds,

Too thought provoken to be alive.

I question whether I should attempt once more, knowing very well that I’ve failed countless of times, but what else am I supposed to Do?

After all that has happened, just forget?

Pretend that it never occurred.

I believe we suffer longer than others,

I understand you want to better yourself, but in doing that it moved me eleven steps back.

I’ll act happy to win you back, maybe that’ll work.

Because with my thoughts invoked in honesty,

Would mean you’d move from Me,

And if that happened,

Perhaps all of my attempts were to lead to a final one,

And I’ll be sure to let you know,

That severing someone’s heart that’s been utterly crushed,

Results in voids of hollow,

Without you I am nothing but a hollowed tree,

But I’ll wait,

I’ll wait for you to come back to store your nuts safely,

I’m always warm for You,

I just really hope you can see it,

Please,

Come back.

10/13/2018 1 comment

General My Suicide Note

Disappear

by idkwtd 9/26/2018

written by idkwtd

No life is perfect- I know that very well.
Im from a broken family but at an early age of 5 I have no choice but to accept reality.
I’ve always been a good daughter (at least that’s what I believe). I studied hard for my mom because I know how hard it is for her to raise us, I dont want her to be disappointed in me so I always tried my best in school and promise myself to help her when I graduate.
Now, it’s been a year since I graduated from college. I already found a job right after graduating but I thought I wasnt ready enough so I resigned immediately. 2018 came and I found another job, but things seems not right. I was so confused, I can’t even think straight, there’s a lot of things going on in my head. I attempted to kill myself but I really got frightened after doing that. I want to believe that life is beautiful, that there’s always a tomorrow but I really feel that I dont belong here anymore. I want to disappear, I want to be forgetten by people as if I never existed. I dont know what to think anymore.
I already seek assistance to a psychiatrist, I consulted every month but I dont think it helps (sure it does, just a little and for the mean time tho). I felt relieved at first but now? Not anymore. The thoughts of dying is with me again as if it’s hunting me even in my sleep. Im so tired. I just want to rest my mind. I just hope to sleep and never wake up.

9/26/2018 4 comments

My Suicide Note

Almost Ready

by Francis53 9/16/2018

written by Francis53

My first attempt was when I was nine, then again at thirteen, then twenty-two and the last when I was fourty-three.
It is not important I provide details about the first two, other than they certainly were very serious attempts, and had someone not miraculously stumbled upon me, I would not be writing this. Despite the graveness of those attempts, no one ever asked me questions about it after.
At twenty-two, it ended up more comedy than anything. The attempt was more alcohol fueled than anything, leaving a huge mess in my place when I woke up.
Fourty-three……. I tried my best, however people again managed to locate me. This time, I spent several weeks infirmed.
I have always tried my best at everything I do, and I despise failing at anything. My entire youth was spent listening to my father screaming nothing was good enough. Instead of talking to me or asking me anything, he would constantly ask whoever was with me, or my dog, just couldn’t seem to say anything to me unless it was to scream and give me shit. I have no memories of him ever actually looking at me as a human being.
I have accomplished some things in my life. I thought I was in love for a while, and I believed she was in love with me – unfortunately, she had a boyfriend before we met, had him in the wedding party and fucked him a week after the wedding. I wanted to make things work and move forward, huge mistake! Years later, we had problems……. neither of us were innocent, however in my twisted sense of loyalty, I took the hit for everything and signed away everything I had ever worked for with every intent of never seeing my child again (that’s okay, my ex did everything she could to alienate me and my entire side of the family and every single person I knew, she succeeded with the help of my old school annual and Facebook).
I am now fifty-three. I have no family. No clue where anyone lives or even if they are alive. I know two people at work to talk to them, others I know their name and they might remember me. I lived in my pickup for over a year and survived a Northern Alberta winter that way. I have a room for now, and that is not even a day to day guarantee. My body aches every morning to even move, my hands can’t even hold a key in the ignition or wipe myself unless I hold them under hot water for a few minutes. I have had tinnitus ever since I can remember, most days now I can barely hear anything over the screech, my headaches have been so bad I am unable to keep food down, then when they subside for a day, I gorge myself until I get sick anyway. I do not remember when I slept more than three hours at a time, I lay down and nothing shuts off – no voices, just me going over every single last thing in my life!

I am so weary. My soul is weeping.

It’s all fine now. I am okay with it. I do not speak for anyone else other than my own view.

This time, I have a fool-proof plan. I just need to be patient for a few more weeks. No one knows me. No one will notice.
I just wanted to say that perhaps this time my best will be good enough.

9/16/2018 3 comments

Suicidal Survivors

I Cant Go On Anymore!

by Icantgoonanymore37 6/3/2018

written by Icantgoonanymore37

I can’t go on anymore! I feel I’ve reached the end of my road! I’m sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.

37 years old and I feel so Worthless & Totally fed up with life! I just don’t see the point anymore! Why do I still continue to try, when it gets me Absolutely No where!! Everyday is So Freaking hard, & I’m still struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I don’t have anything left inside. I pray for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. “Your not worthy”, ” your a failure”, you can’t do anything right”, “just end your life & their won’t be anymore pain.”, that inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but wishing that was me.

Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you’re loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can’t even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel like I was a mistake. I can’t even recall one display of affection. I was sexually, mentally, physically & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have a problem in my relationships & friendships? With men in general. Why do I struggle with authority? Mom’s & Dad’s are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly criticised and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, laying in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despised & hated him for making me do sexual things to him, day in & day out! ?? There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said “ya” & they said “are you sure?” & I said “ya”. I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was So Scared! So I just told them, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!

It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. He couldn’t do no wrong in their eyes. He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!

Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to daily put-me downs by my father. She was a Severe alcoholic and just let my dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. So, to this day I haven’t seen my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can’t wait till the day they pass away. I feel that’s the only way I will finally find peace!

I couldn’t wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. I did very well at school and was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. So for 15 months, I did all the required hours. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work. The final straw was when my husband didn’t want to help out around the house cause “he was too tired after working 8 hrs on his feet at a prison.” We fought like cats & dogs all the time cause I would ***** & gripe cause I needed help around the house cause I just had too much on my plate. I was doing everything by myself & I just couldn’t handle it. But I seemed to some how get through those agonizing 15 months of college & doing my externship. Well two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself & ended up in the Looney bin cause I just couldn’t handle all of it! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven’t been the same since.

That same year I saw the mental health psychologist for the first time for the Major depression and anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, Social anxiety, & Borderline line personality disorder.

The next few chapters of my life haven’t exactly been no happier. My marriage has been falling apart since that dark, & dreary day. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at the prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things are going is good. I tend to always self sabotage. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.

In my early 30’s, I decided I had had enough of family’s fits and arguments and once again, tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn’t even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it. I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away. So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me so I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends. Shortly after my return home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn’t . The house & neighborhood we had chosen had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer. We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt, every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the fuse box. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it. I’m surprised that house didn’t catch on fire. We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn’t afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn’t take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hold, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment. We have been here almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She’s about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it’s just my husband, my girls, & me and my emotional support dog.

Within the year & a half we have been here, a couple times my marriage fell apart. Once for 4 months, & another time for 2 months. Within the 17 & a half years (almost 18 on June 10th this year) my husband took advantage of my & my girls love. He was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive towards me & my girls. I felt as if I was reliving my childhood all over again & it caused me to get Very depressed & suicidal. The abuse against my girls & I was just too much. I was so depressed, I didn’t have one ounce of a back bone in my body to stand up to him & say, enough is enough. I was in fear of him & had to walk on egg shells. I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough. Our crumbling marriage was in shambles, it started affecting my girls & their grades at school. I couldn’t understand why, I was so blind & it was staring me right in the face. I wasn’t strong enough in my mental illness to see it or do anything about it until my best friend helped put things into perspective. Only then I was able to finally take off the blinders & see things clearly for what they really were. So finally, shortly after Thanksgiving of last year I got up the strength to put my foot down & say enough is enough & I separated from my husband for 4 months & went & lived with my best friend & her husband. During those 4 months, my husband & I tried working things out but, I couldn’t believe any word that came out of his mouth. I had heard the same things over & over again for 19 yrs, what makes what he was saying then any different? I became so broken & depressed, I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & starved myself for 3 months straight, I felt I needed to punish myself & that’s the only thing I had control over. I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost. My best friend couldn’t just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate, so she tried talking to me till she was blue in the face. Nothing was sinking in cause I was so overcome with no hope & extreme depression. She threatened me many times to put me back in the hospital, & that’s the last thing I needed. She got so overwhelmed because she wasn’t reaching me after everything she said & did, so she started trying to get me involved in doing daily devotions with her every morning. I’m gonna admit, at first I didn’t want anything to do with it, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other, until I felt the Lord speaking to me through his word. That’s when things started turning around for me, I started to slowly have hope again & I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to very slowly start eating again, laugh again, praying again, & reading the bible again. When I felt myself getting stronger, & finally being able to make the right choices & decisions on what the Lord wanted me to do, I felt the right choice was to move back home.

Second separation with my husband was March 17th 2018. Before this separation, things were pretty rocky between my husband & I. We were fighting a lot, his anger was getting out of control & the day of the 17th of March, my husband put his hands on my oldest daughter out of anger. That’s where I draw the line, when it comes to my kids, nobody puts their hands on them! I got So Angry, I kicked him out & didn’t let him see my girls for quite a while. I was done with him, I tried everything in my power to get a restraining order on him, I reported him to DCF, I tried filing for divorce. Nothing was working in my favor, as their mother I was doing what I thought was in their best interest. After this last time, the Lord really opened my husbands eyes & heart & really got ahold of him & turned his life around. I saw a Really Big difference in my husband, I had never seen in the 17 yrs we have been married, & the 19 yrs we have been together. As of May 3rd 2018, he is a changed man & he has really came along way. He is now the husband & father he should be.

Now, here is my dilemma, my depression is coming back & its coming back hard! These thoughts are getting worse & stronger by the day & I am back to losing hope again.

What’s the point? Why do I even try anymore? I just Can’t go on anymore! ????

6/3/2018 1 comment

Chronic Pain Coping Skills General

Lost needing advice

by Username101 5/20/2018

written by Username101

I’m very new to this, suicidal forum.. straight to the point.. It’s not that I am going to or really have the urge to commit suicide. It’s the constant thought popping into my head. I will catch myself fantisizing of the idea. But these questions always rush to mind. Should I end it? What will happen to my boyfriend, family and friends? Who would show up at my viewing or funeral? How can I make the death fast and 100% effective? I’m not sure why I take the time to give deep thought if I’m contemplating to die.. can someone help me understand where I stand, what I should do? Extra information: 22 yr old female, rough past, burned every bridge possible, no desire to become someone or something.

5/20/2018 2 comments

Chronic Pain Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Poetry & Art Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !

by niki 4/14/2018

written by niki

Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.

Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.

I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:

1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.

2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.

3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.

Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!

4/14/2018 5 comments

Chronic Pain Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive My Suicide Note

Going Blind

by ShesAnAcid 3/22/2018

written by ShesAnAcid

This is my first time writing here and also writing about this so openly. I don’t know where do I start, but I do know when will all of this ends, very soon actually. I’m on the edge now which isn’t so very surprising considering there are about millions who are like me too, some, worse than me. It saddens me that I’m just one of those millions who suffer like this, that I’m only a part of some statistics scientists conduct every year. That I’ll never be someone, I’ll just be a part of something bigger. And soon, no one will remember that I was even a part of that thing.

Anyways, let’s start.

I’m an average girl just like everyone else, none of my attributes nor personality makes me special. Maybe my wounds made me special? Maybe not. I think special isn’t the right term too, but rather a monster, a freak. And that’s all I’ll ever be.

At first I don’t know what should I write or how would I express this unsaid feelings or whom this messages for but it turns out I want to write for everyone, even for myself.

To my family- I’m sorry that I was such a big disappointment. I’m sorry if I could never be the child you always wanted. I’m sorry if I had to do something stupid and hurt you, I’m sorry for making these deep wounds in my arms. I’m sorry if I added more pain to you guys after he passed away. The truth is, he was very close to me too, you all knew that but there are also many things you don’t. I had so many wishes and messages to him that I didn’t get the chance to say. It was already too late for him, he had a great life ahead of him and I know how that must’ve hurt. But you didn’t know that it was already too late for me too. You didn’t know that I was a part of his “why’s”. You still don’t know about it but everyday it haunts me realizing that I should’ve done something. That maybe thing would’ve been different. But it was already too late.

Mom and Dad, there’s some secrets that’s buried here, you’ll probably never find this and that’s a good thing but something inside me hopes that you will. In my room, in my desk, in the cabinets. By the time I’m gone from this world, if you search long enough there, you’ll find papers containing my “why’s and apologies.” I wrote a few which almost push me into doing it, I wrote a few that was the reasons for my scars and I hope that’ll be enough for you guys as my explanation. I was supposed to burn it, making it like beautiful ashes that scatters in the wind and ever fading away but realize you should have it. And I’m sorry.

To my friends– You guys have done so many things for me that I could never thank you enough for. You’ve been a family to me and I wish I was the same for you guys. You saw something inside me that no one else saw. Even though I was that freakish cliche loner girl that was always in the corner reading a book, you still saw me. Even though I had so many knives in my back, you all tried your best to remove it and never added in it. I know you all were scared trying to approach me for the first time, I know everyone were but you guys had the guts to do it and I want to thank you for that. But you will probably never see this, but that’s okay, I just wanted to let this feelings out. I’m sorry if you saw my wounds, I’m sorry you had to worry. You guys are really important to me.

To James– You have made an impact on my life which really surprised me. You helped me on my darkest nights, you were one of the reasons that I didn’t add more wounds in my skin. You understood me and you helped me even though I wasn’t worthy to be helped. I was happy, talking to you, making horrible jokes, being with you. You saw so much, maybe too much in me that I was too blind to see. I want to thank you for helping and being with this broken girl you liked.

To Someone who made a very big impact on my mind, my heart and my life– I never thought it would be like this. I never thought it will go this far. I never thought it will actually happen. We were just both random highschool kids that was always facing the cruel world that was never on our side. You wanted to help me, you wanted to fix me even though it means you were willing to put your pieces in me to make me whole. You made sure that I was okay, you cared so much about me but cared so little about yourself. Maybe in another universe, we were both okay, happily talking with our happy lives, always smiling but I know that this will never be that universe we always hoped about. Why? Because you’re gone. And it’s all because of me. I cared so much about you too, I’m sorry if I could never repay the feelings you had for me. We were both so unstable and I only made it worse. I tried to be there when you had panic attacks, I tried to be there and talk to you like you always did for me. I started caring too much and decided to let you know about the wounds, and that was a big fucking mistake. You got scared and I got scared also, it was because of my scars that made things worse for you, for us. You didn’t believe in yourself but you believed in me even though I didn’t believe in myself. You fought for me even though I couldn’t fight for myself. You loved me even though I couldn’t love myself. When the nightmares began I didn’t know what to do. Until everything got worse for you, for us. It got worse and worse until one day..

Bang.

You’re gone.

Maybe the thing that made me feel afraid the most was the fact that we both knew what was gonna happen to the both of us but we tried our best to prevent it but in the end we couldn’t. That we weren’t afraid of the things that we couldn’t see but rather the things that was right infront of us. That in the end we both stopped trying, or was that only me? Because you never stopped trying to help me. You never stopped loving me. Maybe I got tired first but you were the first to give up. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry if the world was cruel to us. I’m sorry if you felt hideous, I’m sorry if you feel that you fuck things up but you didn’t when you helped me. I should be happy to tell you that I’m not slitting myself anymore, but how could I when it’s already too late for you? You were one of the big reasons why I stopped, maybe because you died stopping me? I don’t know. I want to tell you so many things. So many unsaid feelings, because I know you were always there to hear my scream and pain. You were. But you’re not here anymore. And I don’t want to let you go yet. You made me feel weak, you made me want to die of regrets but you also made me feel special, that I was someone. You made me happy, for a while. I wish I could’ve repaid you. I wish it wasn’t too late.

For me– You. You’ve done so many fucked up shit in your life and you still are. You were always afraid of everything. Afraid to stand up for yourself, afraid to be yourself, afraid to be judged, afraid to risk, afraid to love, afraid to be forgotten, afraid to fight, afraid to live, afraid to die. Maybe that’s why everybody hate you, maybe that’s why you hate yourself. Everyday seems to be an endless cycle of unfortunate events. You should be happy, you have a home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, couple of friends, good grades, a broken family, even though they are a mess, you’re lucky to have them, and finally, you have a life that you get to live. It’s not too late for you. It’s never too late. You got tired, you fall down. And I’m sorry things have to be this way. I’m sorry about the people. I’m sorry for all the messed up shits that you’ve encountered that made you like this, that pushed you to the edge. Please don’t be an egotistical lady. Please realize that there’s a bright future ahead of you. Please don’t go blind. I know things are getting blurry everyday, I know it’s so hard to hold on, I know it’s much easier to let go. Please hold on a little longer.

And finally…

For someone who continues to try– For someone who continues to try and help others, for someone who tries to hold on everyday, continue trying if you still can and I hope you can. The pain keeps getting worse everyday, I know. And you’re strong for that. The world is a dark place and we use dying to find light. But sometimes there are tiny lights around us that maybe we’re just too blind to see. And maybe, we could be lights too. So don’t go blind. Don’t be blinded by the lies of this world, don’t be blinded by the regrets. Fighting might be hard and I’m hoping none of us lose. Thank you for trying.

x x x x

At first I didn’t really know why I wrote this. Maybe I just needed this feelings out. It gets hard when you bottle all of the feelings inside, it’s a lot harder when you can’t contain it anymore. I don’t know where all of this will lead to. I don’t know whether if this is what’s gonna make me whole or this would be the end of me. Will I survive? Right now I’am, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it.

3/22/2018 8 comments

Newer Posts

Older Posts