Ah, I return back to the dark abyss called my memories. Let me describe one that encompassed the last three years of my life:
Not too long ago, I got involved in some pretty bad things. Throughout this, I will never say exactly what, but a clever mind can fit the puzzle pieces together. I was 15-16, just looking into the world of the internet. I had discovered things no child should ever see, noted by the obvious adult only signs.
Eventually, I started talking to real people on the internet. Granted, they were mostly males because that’s who mainly was interested in me. That stroke of fate, I would later find out, would leave me feeling the worst I have ever felt. Of all the people I met, so many of them asked me for something I was uncomfortable giving away. “If you show me your (insert body part here), I’ll show you something good (or variations of this)” became a familiar phrase to me quickly.
How could I say no when I felt like they cared about me immensely? This is what I wanted from my life, to be loved and cared about. This is bliss to a fifteen year old that’s only faced rejection, right? One of these people had me so head over heals in love with him, that I was willing to agree to marry him one day. But day after day, even when I begged him not to, he asked me to do the things I feel have corrupted me. I couldn’t say no, rejection hurt too bad. Seeing them angry, sad, or disappointed almost killed me. I got caught by my mom, and she jerked my whole world away from me, in vain attempt to “keep me safe”.
Unfortunately, I found a way around this road block. Every opportunity I got, I talked to this guy until something came up that scared me to death. It was then that I realized I needed to escape. After that experience, I continued to do similar things up until very recently. I hated the person I was, and I know it’s still part of me. I’m taking such a huge risk for myself by just posting on here again.
All this left me feeling: hurt, alone, scared, dirty, angry, shameful, and hopeless.
Often, I ask myself if I’m a bad person because of the things I did, or what kind of person I will turn out to be. I’ve come a long way in the last two years, but I still struggle with who I was/am, having tendencies to revert back into that person.
12 comments
I had males who i met online ask me ‘whats in it for me?’ when i wanted to talk to them. And i say ‘what do you mean?’ and they said ‘sex’. Truth is alot of males online and in real life (but not all, some males are really really nice) only want one thing. Note that people online are not always who they say they are (gender, maritial status, circumstances), could be a murderer, if they are talking about what they have said to you, they are most likely a ped,ophile, due to the age you were at the time. I met plenty online around that age. You may have ended up raped or murdered and had to live in terrible circumstances forever… Just my thoughts
At least these guys wanted something from YOU and not just from your bank account…
Um well they didn’t all know how young I was..
You’re no bad person for wanting to be loved. And @Hjerteblomst is right on that one, from experience I can agree with that. I try my best to appear androgynous however, and am actually a feminist, though that’s always a touchy subject with many so I’ won’t speak of it.
Back to OP though, you should do what is good for you in the long term. Rejection hurts a lot, in fact it made me very reclusive, but think of it as other people missing out on knowing the real you and vice versa. Maybe that could help you if even a little remain un- relapsed 🙂
Isa
sorry my bad… Prob better to stay away from those ‘adults only places’. You are not shameful and dirty or the other things you described yourself as. Idk if you were bullied or not. But many have turned to the internet to hope to find someone who will accept them, who will love and care for them… If you are vulnerable others will take advantage of that, even if thats males online who only want one thing, whether it be a woman or a girl. Some adults havent been loved and cared for etc. and prob do the same thing though they tend to go to dating sites instead. Depends… I mean, even some women have been murdered after meeting men in real life from online
Never gone that far with it, and some people I didn’t meet in such places. One was here. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
i am sorry to hear
Glad to see someone cares…
i nearly went and met a guy when i was 14. It never happened because i found out he was broke. Maybe i am glad…
I never went that far with it.
Katiebear, I’m glad to hear you didn’t go as far as to meet these guys and I’m truly sorry that one of them was on this site. No corner of the internet seems untainted by the threat of sex crazed predators unfortunately.
But I’d just like to say I’m probably older than your mother and I still feel the shameful feelings you so eloquently describe, because of my behaviour in the manic phases of my bipolar.
This is partly the burden of being female, partly that of inhabiting an unsafe world, the price we pay for reaching out for love and affection cause we’re scared and alone. You were young and naive, I can’t even make that claim, I was quite simply crazy, but we both wound up with the same horrible feelings from becoming the victim of sexual abuse.
Are you in therapy or counselling for this? I have a counsellor, I know I can share pretty much anything with her and know that it’ll go no further.
Best thing is, you’ve figured out your mistake before it led to anything life threatening or an actual rape. You are NOT to blame for what these arseholes did to you. And I’m talking to me as well as to you, ok?
Take good care of yourself Katie ear. You matter!
Mine left, and I can’t get another.