What They Don’t Know

These past two months I’ve been distancing myself from my family. I isolate myself from them, try not to interact with them, and want constant time alone. Also, I’ve been pulling myself away from some of my online friends. I don’t have that many, at the most maybe 10, but still. Half of them I’ve become close to; close enough that I could tell them about my severe acne, my Social Anxiety Disorder (“So that’s why you were so quiet when we first met!”), my depression, my ummm…. suicide attempts, as embarrassing as that was, and some other things. I felt like I had to let them know the real me, and that I’m crazy.

What they don’t know is that I still feel depressed and suicidal. That I’m still unhappy. That I still feel like this world isn’t for me. I tried telling two of them about it. One offered me unhelpful advice, while the other just changed the subject. I don’t think either of them take me seriously or think much of it. I wish they understood, and knew that I’m dead serious (haha, get it?….). I don’t want to tell any of my other friends because they will, like the other two, think that I’m just being a drama queen. Well, at least you guys understand me when I talk about depression and suicide. That’s what this site is for, after all.

This past couple of weeks, I’ve been planning how I will go. There are a few places for errors, but if I’m lucky, there won’t be any errors. I don’t know what I will do if something goes wrong nor what I’ll say if I have to explain the situation to someone. Oh well… I’m thinking about trying my plan this weekend. It would be a perfect time since my household (except for my sister) is going out of town then. I could be sneaky and do it.

Maybe I’ll change my mind, but I don’t know. I’ll try to find hope before the time comes.