Today is Friday. Mom’s night out for my granddaughters’ Mom – my daughter-in-law. At least that was true a couple of years ago. Now, Friday is the day that my wife of 36+ years gets to see my granddaughters while she is at work, but i am not allowed to see or talk to my granddaughters.
I am almost 60 years old and spent most of my life trying to keep up with the bills, but decided after being laid off after almost 22 years with the same company that I would rather spend more time with my son and his family than to try […]
Lyrics:
Trouble, oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face and it’s too much, too much for me
Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see
You’re eating my heart away and there’s nothing much left of me
–
I’ve drunk your wine, you have made your world mine
So won’t you be fair, so won’t you be fair
I don’t want no more of you, so won’t you be kind to me
Just let me go where I’ll have to go there
–
Trouble, oh trouble move away
I have […]
(poème de Baudelaire en Anglais et en Français)
The Desire for Annihilation (translated by William Aggeler)
Dejected soul, once anxious for the strife,
Hope, whose spur fanned your ardor into flame,
No longer wishes to mount you! Lie down shamelessly,
Old horse who stumbles over every rut.
Resign yourself, my heart; sleep your brutish sleep.
Conquered, foundered spirit! For you, old jade,
Love has no more relish, no more than war;
Farewell then, songs of the brass and sighs of the flute!
Pleasure, tempt no more a dark, sullen heart!
Adorable spring has lost […]
Lyrics:
Everyday nothing seems to change
Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things
and I, I can’t take it no more
I would leave this town, but I,
I ain’t got nowhere else to go
–
Wake up in the morning to more,
more bad news and I
sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,
It’s driving me out of my mind
Gonna catch the next train and I
move on down the line
–
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be […]
Lyrics:
You might be the loneliest person in the world
You’ll never be as lonely as me
Yes, you might be the loneliest person in the world
You’ll never be as lonely as me
–
All the sky it seems dark
As I’m walking through a park
But the face it is too bright to see
Or the sun might rise high
On an orange kind of sky
But the day it seems too dark for me
–
Yes, you might be the loneliest person in the world
You’ll […]
Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.
Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm […]
”Only optimists commit suicide, optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?”
Emil Cioran
Persephone’s nightmare
Lyrics (English translation):
Where once pennyroyal and wild mint grew
and the first cyclamen sprang up,
now peasants bargain on cement prise
and birds fall dead in melting furnace
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
where once the mystics joined their hands
reverently before entering the sanctuary,
now passing tourists throw their cigarette butts
and go to see the new oil refinery
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
where once the sea was blessed
and flocks and herds bleated joyfully in […]
Lyrics (English translation):
Chatterton committed suicide
Hannibal committed suicide
Demosthenes committed suicide
Nietzsche
Raving mad
As for me…
As for me
It’s not going much better
Chatterton committed suicide
Cleopatra committed suicide
Isocrates committed suicide
Goya
Raving mad
As for me…
As for me
It’s not going much better
Chatterton committed suicide
Marc Antony committed suicide
Van Gogh committed suicide
Schumann
Raving mad
As for me…
As for me
It’s not going much better
I went tonight to the memorial of SS Oria.(I’ll attach photos at the end of this post,just to get an idea how the location is like)The SS Oria was (I’m copy-pasting from wikipedia) ” a Norwegian steamboat that sank on 12 February 1944, causing the death of some 4,000 Italian prisoners of war. This was one of the worst maritime disasters ever, and probably the worst loss of life caused by the sinking of a single ship in the Mediterranean Sea.”
I’ve been to this location 4-5 times.I don’t know why I go there.Maybe the loss of so many lives for no reason, draws me there.Maybe because […]
Sometimes I think there’s never been
A highway so wide and mean
Leading to a room so cold and bare
Faded pictures on the wall
Stories of a past untold
Sunny beaches turn to ruthless tide
There’s a new motel in town
It’s called the end of broken dreams
There’s a new place in town
It’s called the end of broken dreams
Out of the blue my name is fear
And I’ll haunt you if I care
Out of this world my game is clear
And I’ll catch you if I dare
But there is no time for me to stay
Maybe it’s time to ride the ray
Maybe tomorrow never comes
Crawling lizards in the sun
Do we part like fallen leaves
Like […]
I have never found a place to belong.
This burden of existential nihilism.
The disconnectedness from others.
From the consensual reality.
Has created a sense of extreme isolation.
One that is gnawing at the seams of my humanity.
God abandoned me the day I became an object to man.
I was raised as a child to Lucifer.
My battle was over long before it had ever begun.
I no longer wish to walk this earth.
Alone, isolated and misunderstood.
On outcast of mainstream ideals.
I seek my final solace in the enigma of the afterlife.
I have no more purpose.
As my demons have eaten me […]
I took my last final exam of my undergraduate career today. It was hard as f*ck, I don’t know if I will pass that class. I couldn’t help but worry that I would’t pass that class, which dominoes to not graduating then to not getting into graduate school… So f*ck it all. I have this beautiful plan that I will commit suicide on sunday when my whole family is out of town. I am afraid to do it. I am afraid it will hurt. I know which method (no talking methods on here), where, with what, when. I just need the motivation.
Truth be told I […]
Today I woke up feeling really depressed, so much so that I was in my room from 8am until about 4pm because I just wanted to be left alone.
When I got out to use the bathroom, I saw my keyboard. Now, even though I’ve never considered myself “good” at playing, I thought why not try and learn a song. And I did. After feeling the most depressed I’ve felt in days, I was able to escape and now I’m feeling not good but not bad either.
This post is kinda pointless, but I just wanted to share that playing an instrument, even if you’re […]
These past two months I’ve been distancing myself from my family. I isolate myself from them, try not to interact with them, and want constant time alone. Also, I’ve been pulling myself away from some of my online friends. I don’t have that many, at the most maybe 10, but still. Half of them I’ve become close to; close enough that I could tell them about my severe acne, my Social Anxiety Disorder (“So that’s why you were so quiet when we first met!”), my depression, my ummm…. suicide attempts, as embarrassing as that was, and some other things. I felt like I had to […]
Isolation can be a dangerouse thing.It can change you.it can warp you.it will mold you into something….not human.I know this because I live it.in all the years that I’ve lived in isolation, I noticed one thing.it takes you down a path….it starts to change you little by little.and everytime you hit a vital point down this dark path…you become that much less of a human.For me at least, I know this much.you start to hate uncontrollably, you turn into something else.Im a perfect example, im not human anymore…I may look,act,and sound like one but the truth is im turning into something of the dark.I love […]
I guess I’m here because I’ve lost hope in the world. We’re in an oligarchy controlled by those who have the money and/or power to control not only the US, but the rest of the world. The money buys politicians who drill obedience into unstoppable armies. Even if the electorate stopped being complacent, there’s nothing to be done.
I just feel powerless.
I don’t want to see it continue any further.
Can anyone convince me that it’ll get better? If not, why bother drifting through a meaningless life?
I guess the thing that keeps me from doing it is not wanting to hurt family and friends, and my obligation […]
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