But planning is far from actually having the balls to kick the chair.
Swallowed some Xanax, snorted some Clonex, but I’m still restrained to this life, stuck between the living and the dead. The clock strikes three and the sky never seemed darker. It’s time. I am becoming. My soul turn black, my eyes hurt and I’m raped all over. It starts with the stomach, then it goes to the throat and eventually squeezing my skull until my ears are bleeding and my eyeballs hanging outside their place.
It doesn’t matter where I am. As long as I am in my soul, like a body, I’m me, and I’ve had it. And this fucking song is penetrating outside my unconsciousness. It says “I feel rotten, I feel stink, and soon I won’t feel a thing, I think”.
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I backed out tonight too. I pray the next time I won’t. Another day of misery tomorrow unless….there is still time tonight for a second try. I can count the years since my life has changed dramatically for the worse….17 and each year worse then the one before. I keep hoping and working to make it better but the answer is always worse. So I ask, “what’s next?”. One drama after another without any time in between to breath and recover. A friend told me the other day that he has cancer. I have prayed for a death sentence other than living this life. A A colleague told me the other day that is like I am cursed. She is not the only person to have said that and that I have been way more challenged than the average person – this is not a plea for pity, just that is how it is. The night is not over, give me courage to follow through this time. IT IS NOT GOING TO GET BETTER! When am I going to know that, tonight I hope I finally accept that there is no more chances for hope.
Hey lost hope, I wish I had words of encouragement but I don’t. Tomorrow is my last day. I need hope too. I can’t create hope for myself any longer. It’s too hard. Sorry to bring up religion…. I am Christian. I am having Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick tomorrow. I really believe there is a much better place out there and I can’t wait to get there… I will be with all of my cats one day. Sorry to bring up religion. I don’t want to offend anyone. I guess it is the last hope I have – that there is a better place out there.
Still Lost – religion is good – it can give you the hope that you feel you are not able to create for yourself anymore. Maybe for you there is hope in reconciliation and anointment, maybe something to look forward to at least for tomorrow??? It is one more day. I do not know what I am going to do yet tonight. It is still early enough for me to try again. Whatever you choose to do, may you find some peace.
Lost hope. I hope you find peace as well. Thank you. If you do try again tonight, I hope it is painless.