I can’t tell any more if im over reacting or simply following a path that was laid out for me. I’m married , just over 13 years, and we have been through hell and back, and not all on our accounts. There’s been severe injuries, that included hospitalization and surgery. There’s been job losses, several of those and on both ends. There’s been concerns with kids and family members that included losses as well as counselling. And yet despite all of the angry and terrible things we have said and done, I still try to “fix” things. I push my emotions and feelings aside to […]
Had doctor appointment today.
Got the Amitryptaline increased from 75 to 100.
The doctor did the usual cover-your-butt questions, including “Have you had any suicidal thoughts?”
I shook my head as if to say “No, of course not, what a silly thing to ask.”
Because only a fool would say “As a matter of fact, YES! Hahahha! Funny you should mention that! I was just waiting for you to ask! Here’s a song I wrote that I’d like played at my funeral! Do you like it? Does it need more cello?”
Well today is my birthday. The only reason im putting it out there is that I really didnt think I would make it to 40. Now im here im happy about it. Im proud of myself for not giving in to the destruction of addiction and keeping on trying to stop using no matter how many relapses I have. Im glad that I haven’t comitted suicide. The thoughts of ending have abated and I have found some things to live for. Im glad for new people in my life, no matter where they are. (Oops I think im writing a gratitude list). Thank u to […]
Hello SP: I am having a really difficult day and need help/encouragement. My body hurts so much today. Just can hardly move. I am so tired of being tired all the time. I’m tired of not getting restful sleep no matter how long i stay in bed. I am tired of not being able to type because my hands hurt so much (I am dictating this.)
I am so tired of it hurting to cook and clean and do laundry and even work in my garden.
I have so much to do this weekend and I am so overwhelmed and so tired.
I really need help tonight. Thank […]
Hello everyone , I am what you would call a first time poster… I visit this site often but like I said before this is my first post. I didnt believe posting here would mean anything.I still dont but like many of you here when I read the stories it does two things for me
First thing is helps me feel like im not alone in this fight
Second thing is makes me see how helpless we all are to what we suffer from. from the most potent level of depression to the less.
I personally just want my pain of existing to just end. I have lost […]
I don’t know how to live with this. With myself. I’m full of hatred & negativity. I feel so alone, & lost. I am a terrible person, but I don’t have it within me to be better. I can change my actions, but my underlying view of life remains the same. The problem is fundamental to who I am. No matter how many new starts I make, I will eventually drag myself down.
I have cut myself off from all humanity. I am completely alone. There is no meaning to anything I do. I go through the motions, clinging to the vestiges of life. But it’s […]
Ground zero. My optics aren’t good. Police looking for me. Now it’s do or die. Do to die. No backing out now. Only matter of time til there on city wide manhunt. Fuck. I needed one more reason.
So there is one hand washing the other , high using low or low protecting corrupted . It doesn’t matter to me anymore, I cannot father a child because of the danger of mental illness and unequal treatment that could happen to a child of mine. I continue to be a victim everyday , and they are relentless in the torment. Bullied and intimidated into isolation . There was a chance 3 years ago when I sent my human rights complaint to make this right, but they went left. It’s TO LATE now , this can not be forgiven , remedied , made up for […]
For almost 2 years, I’ve felt this way because I live beside toxic neighbours and my uncle doesn’t listen to me to be careful of being taken advantage of. How? Simple. They threaten to sue us, get us fine and arrested for “Distribing The Peace” from the back up alarm installed on my uncle’s car. People sue for almost anything now a days no matter how ridiculous it may seem. There are various type of prices for back up alarm sold online and in-stores. Intially, it was installed […]
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling ok. My depression comes in waves I guess. I went to bed feeling ok, but woke up feeling like shit. I don’t know why this happens. I’ve got a feeling something bad is coming. I’m going to screw up some how and everyone is going to be mad. Do you know that feeling? It’s that gut feeling that the momentary peace you feel isn’t going to last very long. There’s not really much to say. I’ve got a few more weeks until testing. I realize I’m way behind since my depression kind of came back. I don’t really see myself […]
I had a post a couple days ago where I mentioned I was very seriously considering killing myself that day. I don’t think anyone saw it so it probably doesn’t matter, but in case anyone did wonder, I’m still here.
Anyway, my therapist told me she thinks I am self-aware and articulate, and I’m pretty much still reeling from the fact that someone who has any insight into the inner workings of my mind would have anything even remotely complimentary to say. So there’s that, I guess.
Fuck this existance, i want to die! What kind of twisted pervertion makes this right not mine? Murderer, self assassination, killers go to HELL, if thats what youd like, or continue this existance of hated life. Fuck these choices, i have no choice, eternal damnation eclipses my life, no matter internal struggle, impulse, strife. I just want to die
has become more complicated. Face-to-face communication used to be vital, but now we can live our lives being online all day.
However, the truth of the matter is, we still need to see each other’s faces, read their expressions, hear their voices, so we can fully understand their emotions.
They are never interested in me, no matter how compelling it might be to think they are.
Also, I must make a point of viewing pictures of real dead bodies and videos of suicides to become desensitized the reality of my own death and the idea of my corpse.
I have no motivation for anything! I’m about to graduate collage, but this last semester is killing me and I’m failing 3 classes. I don’t even care, after I graduate (or not) I’m leaving and going to do nothing with my fucking degrees and I don’t care, because I don’t like them anyways, I’m not going to make anything out of myself because I don’t care! the only reason I’m alive is because I cant seem to kill myself all the way! So I guess I’ll just keep not caring and living my whole stupid life because as long as I’m alive everyone’s happy. even […]
I’m an atheist. I think I believe that death is the end of consciousness. But the idea of hell still has this grip on my mind. Maybe because it’s what I feel I deserve. The thought of being trapped in a never-ending state of misery and despair – that somehow seems like what I have coming. That there’s nothing I can do about it.
Which is crazy. As far as I know, all religious concepts of hell have some kind of ‘escape clause’, at least while you’re still alive. If I really believe that’s my future, shouldn’t I be confessing my sins, or living a life […]
You never forget that smell, no matter how long you go with or without it, it’s always there in your memory banks. Waking up that dark Friday morning in a hotel room just down the road from the Sky Tower, I looked across to see her cuddled up against me — our bare bodies covered only by a single sheet as the heat from the night before kept us snug and warm. But the smell of sweet, sweet love just so happened to pierce my nose, and with it came an epiphany of sorts. Could my future really lie within denouncing the one value I’ve […]
Not everyone understands what its like to not matter. To have never fitted in. Even amongst the mentally ill. To be ugly. Not to feel ugly but to actually be so repulsive that the best you can hope for is for another arrogant thot who doesn’t care about you at all except to pity to boost their own ego all to try to convince you that someone else will as a consellation. Otherwise you have rejection because of your ugliness and anxiety. Not everyone gets what its like to to be in complete mental misery for 3 decades going back to childhood so you have […]
So it’s been a while since I’ve commented or posted on here. Before I found SP I felt worthless, purposeless and like a failure. I’ve failed at everything I’ve attempted in my life, but when it came to being there for you guys I felt like I meant something. Like I could actually help people like me. However, when those thoughts start to whirl around in my mind every negative, demonic energy creeps up and tells me why I’ll never be worth it and while I’ll never make a difference. I’ve always felt as if I was in search of something, something fulfilling. I’m not […]
Nobody knows that I suffer from depression. I walk and talk with a smile, confidently and securely. But I ache. With each step that I take, it’s like the ground pushes back on my feet, sends a vibration up my body til my teeth shake and I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue to not cry. To not scream. To not die. I hate my skin and yet I love it. Why do I lotion it? What does it even matter to a body that doesn’t want to live? I wake up and I eat. What does eating matter to a stomach that doesn’t […]