It’s been a long time coming and many failed attempts are piled up amidst the endlessly towering walls I’ve built up. Not everything I do fails. Not everyone I meet I make unhappy. But enough do that it might as well be everyone and everything.
I don’t want to hold on. I do so for others and fuck, I have tried. I moved, moved again, got a new job, adjusted meds, started therapy. The thoughts– fantasies, perhaps- of my demise never find a chance to subside.
I’ve been depressed since I was 10. Abusive and oppressive household and general faulty wiring to blame. This turned into severe anxiety over the years in that house and by the time I was out of high school I was so badly agoraphobic that I could barely leave my room to piss. I never got into drugs but I self harmed from age 11. Everyone said things would get better.
I’m a month from turning 23. I work as a part time nanny for a 9 month old and the rest I’m a freelance illustrator. I no longer feel attachment to the baby and no longer care to create. I am sure family and friends care whether they say so or not. All I seem to do is upset them lately. They don’t understand that I get too scared to speak and take it as anger or obstinacy, leaving me to cry for days because I hurt them.
The only thing really, truly keeping me here is my darling 15 year old cat, whom I’ve had for all those years. She’s the only thing that matters to me. I also don’t want to leave the baby’s parents without a nanny but a replacement is out there.
I’m numb. My cat, who is virtually mute, was crying for me all night because she knew I was upset. I didn’t care. This precious baby I’ve been entrusted to look after is asleep on my chest and I don’t have any emotion. I’m obsessing over how and when I’m going to end it.
I was reading post after post on here and though my apathy and decision likely can’t be dissuaded, I was hoping maybe someone has some advice to just get me through this day. I still have six hours with baby to finish this week and he deserves smiles and interaction and love yet all I can think about is ending this unbearable pain. Tonight I’m supposed to pick someone up from the airport, too, so maybe I could wait til tomorrow to go. But how?
11 comments
In the end it’s ultimately up to the person in this kind of position. We have to decide if we are going to accept the love we are given by others as enough. And then we have to go further and let that into our hearts to love ourselves. I’d like to think these small hesitations of holding off another day might show that you indeed have reasons to lives, no matter how small. Even though I find it hard, if not impossible to take my own advice, if we can let such minor things (sometimes) lead us into suicidal thoughts and depression, why can’t we let minor wonderful things make us love life all the more. I think depression is just evil that way, it’s overwhelming. But you seem to be of someone who can take the loves that you are given and make it shine. People love you, rely on you as the cat and the baby and their parent. This makes you important in their lives, it means you matter. But it’s really up to you to decide what matters most to you, and if that is enough to make your own life matter to yourself. I really suck at answers for other people but I try, and I really don’t know your situation, and for me it’s a lot easier to care about others than it is to care about myself, and maybe you or others are the same way. I’ve heard the saying many times that “you can’t love others, if you don’t love yourself” I totallly disagree with that statement, but I think some people it may hold true to. Anyways end rant, but if you ever need someone to rant to, anyone can rant to me, and hopefully I have something of use to provide back, even if its just a sliver of something.
I try tell myself over and over that I matter to the people in my life. But I don’t care if I do.. The love may be there, but I don’t feel it. I just know it exists as I try to be as rational as I can be lost in these thoughts and feelings. The problem is, has always been, and will always be me. I may be loved because of familial bonds or repeat exposure but I bring burden to all who know me.
Ok I know burden. It is a fact that I bring burden to those around me. There is no talking it out. It is real burden. Society generally hates me for something they have no interest in fully understanding. So they also generally hate those that try to surround and help and support me. My own mother and grandmother both faced harassment on my behalf. They explained the truth and in the end it wasn’t a big deal to those causing the harassment after they took a minute to listen. But this is still a burden put on them. My mother actually went in front of congress on my behalf and spoke to several senators and local and regional representatives, and they were just like, there’s nothing we can really do, we can’t make an exception for just one person. So yes, I know how it feels like to be a burden. And there is nothing that I can do to not be a burden to another person, so I really don’t have any personal close friends, and on top of that I hate myself and my life, I really am not positive why I am still around, society doesn’t want me here and don’t care to know why they feel the way they do, but I can definitely understand that there can be circumstances in which we feel a burden to others. Even without that yeah I hate just feeling so negative about myself that that attitude puts a burden on others as well and it sucks, so i just usually try to joke about my crap to make people think I’m really not hurting inside as much as I am. I know I matter to people, but I know that I burden them as well. I feel the love to the extent but I know it can only go sofar as that burden could impede their only quality of life. So burdens can be quite complicated. I guess what Im saying is that I think when you have good family and they genuinely have endless love to give they really don’t feel the burden, no matter how real or how superficial it is, I think love can conquer all can speak true when the love is genuine… I hope I didn’t confuse you too much there because Im starting to lose my own train of thought, so Ill leave it there.
I appreciate your responses. It’s all very complicated, balancing the needs of others and your own needs, especially when they contradict. How much damage you cause vs how much you will cause. Anyway thank you for answering my shout into the void. It’s a nice distraction and I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope good karma comes your way for helping folks here.
This is true. Balance is not easy at all. The point I am personally at currently is I really don’t need to concern my life with suicide. My doctor informed me that I’m headed in that direction for my body to do it itself. So she said I have a choice, I can change, eat healthier and I might be ok, or I can not change and as my body has shown me, it hates what I am putting in it as my doctors says it. So is that still suicide, lack of action? I personally have not changed as of yet because eating food I like is one a very small handful of things I actually can enjoy in life. So do I nurse myself back to being healthy, eating food that makes me miserable and taking away one of the very few things that please me or do. Or do I just continue in my current path and let my health dwindle savoring the experience of something I enjoy, for however long my body let’s it last? So can I find a balance here? I am not sure yet.They contradict too, you see? Im glad though if I can ever be of help while im around. And thanks, hopefully karma kicks me in the ass with a miracle. Won’t hold my breath, but I have indeed seen stranger things happen. Wish you the best.
I don’t have words of wisdom, but I understand feeling like a burden. I’m here for you and I’m thinking of you.
Thank you kindly. I made it through the day so I guess that counts for something. I hope you are doing okay yourself.
namelessghost, I left this tab open in my browser because I wanted to come back to this and try to offer some kind of supportive message, but the words just aren’t coming. I can relate to this, though: “I’ve been depressed since I was 10. Abusive and oppressive household and general faulty wiring to blame.”
My depression started a bit earlier, but otherwise, I could have written that myself. I don’t mean to lay blame on my parents; they had a lot of struggles of their own, and they did the best they could under the circumstances, but the circumstances were generally miserable for all us, and I was broken from early on.
I hope you do find the strength and the will to continue, though — you can always end things later, that option isn’t going anywhere. You’re still so young, there’s a good chance life will improve for you. I hope you find some relief soon.
Thank you, lost. Reading through many of even the recent posts I was sorry to see that so many people here got the millstone of depression/anxiety/what have you around their necks so early. We got dealt a dirty hand.
What you said of your parents is about exactly what I think, too. I blame myself for most of my misery as it all comes down to me whether I’m in control of it or not, but there are still some scars from them.
I made it through yesterday by finding some distraction reading and replying here, so that’s good. When I filled all my obligations for the day I laid down with my ear to my cat’s purring chest and felt a lot less desperate to escape myself, as I could at least make her happy.
And that’s true, I can end things later. The thoughts are always there but the courage isn’t, so I think I was trying to take hold of the will and wanting while it was so pronounced.
Anyway, sorry to be so wordy, but thank you for hearing me out if you happen to read this.
namelessghost, I hope the past couple days have been better for you, or at least no worse than before. If you’re feeling up to it, please check in and let us know how you’re doing.
You remember me better than my friends do, haha. I feel like I’m being eaten alive as I try to keep existing. I’ve exhausted all my coping resources and my therapist has told me to just go to the hospital. I’ve been there before and I am terrified of ever going back to that hellhole. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to leave my cat or hurt anyone but I’m having trouble seeing myself getting through the week so I’m lying here, festering, until I get the strength to keep going or to end it.
Thank you for checking in. Seeing your comment struck a chord and reminded me that I exist, a small, bright noise in the grey silence of apathy I’m floating in.