I was made in this world, by unfairness… i lived my life in internats and thus life live practically with a hunched back, and now as a 31 year old with no actual friends, no girlfriend (i gave up there) (though i have a ex i dont want to talk about and shes not the reason for this but more of a final straw in a sense that made me really get bad physically after she broke up with me because i wouldnt have sex with her like a monkey but wanted to take things slow, im also a virgin, yes at my 31st and […]
Monthly Archives
September 2014
I am 16 years old, my life is going really well, I have every reason to be happy but I’m not. I don’t know why I’m not happy I have no reason to be sad or depressed. I just feel like I want to die, I feel dead inside and I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid for feeling this way but I can’t make it go away. I haven’t talked to anyone about the way I’m feeling because I feel if I do they will tell me to stop being so stupid. I have self harmed […]
I quietly wait for the end.
The of end a sentence, the end of a song, the end of the day,
the end of the hour, the end of the dream, the end of this way.
The end of the cycle, the end of time,
the end of the mind, this peaceful end of mine.
I try to rush forward in hopes of meeting you sooner, but in the end I am denied.
Sadly someone selfishly wants me alive,
when all I want is for the quiet to arrive.
Dear End please hurry! Do not delay,
for I know when you come a new dream we […]
This whole thing started about 5 years ago…i was 15 then…life started to hit me even harder than before…i grew with my grandparents,not so nice,they we’re always fighting over silly things,my grandpa was an alcoholic dog,my grandma was always nice,miss her btw ^^.I grew with my grandparents because my parents left the country when i was 8.So,after my 15 th birthday,you know,puberty,all of that shit,started to smoke,drink,party,it was good,you know,so good,until love started to hit me like an hurricane,i was so in love…she knew,i told her so many times,but she didn’t care…for 2 years i couldn’t stop thinking about her…that’s not nice…a few sleepless nights,drinking […]
Well if you read my last post about 2 months ago, you will know what I was worrying about happening in my life with my girlfriend and college. September 5 th. My girlfriend was in her dorm alone and wanted to do something on a Friday night so she went over to a friend of a friends apartment. She made brownies and watched a movie with this guy. At the time she was completely ignoring me, so I did what probably. any college kid would do. Get drunk. I had drank way more than I should have and ended up climbing over the railing of […]
This feeling of, ‘wanting to just die’ has last for about 4 years now. I’ve tried hanging myself multiple times, but I always fail… I use to walk down the road hoping a car would hit me. I’ve had close near death experiences from drugs and alcohol, but wonder why I hadn’t died? That raises the question to what is my purpose on this planet. Nowadays, I have no urge to kill myself, but just hopes that something would just end me instantly. So now I try to hope everyday, that a miracle (that I think in the back of my mind won’t happen) would […]
My Dearest Collin
In the time that has passed since your death, I have struggled with why you did it…why you killed yourself. You had no mental illness. You didn’t struggle with depression. You had no previous attempts or cries for help. You had a loving girlfriend that wanted to marry you. You had a good job, good friends…a family that loved you. So you had received several speeding tickets and lost your license. So you got caught driving on a suspended license and extended the suspension of your driving priveledges. So, you drove your inebriated friend home from the bar because he was in no shape […]
I can’t do this anymore
Over and over and over again
I can’t do this any more
We go round and round and round
I can’t do this anymore
I am dizzy
I can’t do this anymore
I fall to the ground
I can’t do this anymore
Make it stop
I can’t do this anymore
I will make it stop
I can’t do this anymore
I’ve always known I like girls. But I always thought I liked guys too. I’ve had boyfriends but….. I have never had that butterflies, stomach in knots feeling around a guy that some girls talk about. I’ll say I love them but it’s more like a friend kinda love. To me at least. My family is a bible thumping kind of family. My Mum would hate me if I told her my suspicions. I’ve always labeled myself as bisexual. My family doesn’t know that though. Most of the time because of this I think I’ll never be loved. The town I live in is small, […]
If anyone at all needs someone to talk to, no matter what, you can email me misbahq93@gmail.com I won’t judge you or lie to you and I’ll always respond. Promise.
There’s no point in living if you’re all alone with your thoughts and dreams and have no one to share in them.
There’s no point in living if you feel too much pain and suffering in a life that’s empty of anything worthwhile.
There’s no point in living if you see everyone around you are out enjoying their lives while you remain hidden.
There’s just no point in living;
I don’t want to look out of my eyes anymore and see the utter void that my life is.
“The Suicide Project is a website devoted to allowing people to share their stories of desperation and depression… and ultimately of hope.”
I think in the light of recent events it is important not to forget what the purpose of this special website is. Regardless of how different the reasons for us to come here might be, what unites us is the suffering we experience and the desire to end it one way or another. No matter what part of the world you come from, what race or gender you are, what kind of sexuality you are living, what religion you might or might not belong […]
Less than a year ago I decided to end my life the other day. I haven’t had a plan and haven’t thought about it much, or at least, seriously. But that day I woke up and felt ready. Finally.
I was supposed to go to my psychologist that day, but I was so frustrated to the fact that nothing changes. I’m still depressed. How exactly is it gonna help me talk about it?
I was on the bus on my way to the clinic and planned my little escape. I always carry with me enough pills to overdose. I call it ‘my suicide kit’. You know, for […]
my sister turned around to me and said i was getting fat again. i hadn’t noticed, but she’s right. of course she is. i just can’t keep stable can i?
There’s no fear, only this immense sense of relief and satisfaction. And happiness.
I know what’s waiting for me at the end of the tunnel, and I can’t fucking wait to get there already.
Heck, I won’t even be mad if I survive the attempt and be severely paralyzed for the rest of my life. But I need to feel it. Even if for a few seconds, I need to feel it.
31/09/2014.
So this is a sorta free verse lyric I wrote for my English class last year. Hope you like it. Sorta dark though. Happier ones still to come
One more.
One more year, one more week,
One more second In one more day,
One more sunrise, one more breath
One more night, don’t fade away.
They tell you, “you’re a fighter,”
Yet the don’t see the blood
Or burns etched by the fire
Or tears that come in floods.
They tell you to keep living,
When yoy feel dead inside
They say that it gets better,
Get up, stand out, don’t hide.
So you live one more day,
Counting minutes go by.
They add up to all these years
You […]
I actually came on here tonight for the first time in a week or so to make a post about some stuff that’s happened lately in my life… and now my head is just too overwhelmed by the utterly repulsive tragedy that’s taken place today/tonight involving a really awesome person.
So instead of crapping on about my own troubles, I’m just gonna leave this post here so we can all maybe give a thought to that special person today/tonight, because this is their day now and they deserve to be remembered.
Rest easy.
‘tamaka’
where’s a mod at
I failed since day zero
the zero, the zero-child
I smile, I am not alive
chained to the earth
from the sky, fell celestial
flower, vanquish already yours
in this age, I am no longer
such irony, hoping for a phoenix for the elite
I need to get a wagon but I need someone by the fire
and our glocks by a wire, a grand a month before it explodes
I need you now; Tamaka, from East-South America
by the wire, under the stars, singing in golden sands
now for ever before, derailed to the never land
in hope to persist till the end […]
I think I am almost ready… I almost let it slip today that I have a plan. No one noticed though all I ever hear is have faith. Well it’s too late for that… I have to pick a date I think that will help push me to get everything ready. I wonder how long it will take for anyone to notice I am gone.
Just need to put my goodbyes in order…I have to say goodbye…
Is it possible for someone to never be happy? If so then I guess that’s me. I found out this morning that my debilitating autoimmune disease is non responsive to current treatment and will require much more aggressive treatment. To do so will require time off from work I don’t have and a loss of income. I can’t pay my rent as it is… I am drowning in debt and I ruined my eight year relationship with my anger and hatred… I am not eligible for help and have no where to turn anymore. I can’t be the reason my kids are homeless again. I […]