” Maybe less than an hour ago, I called my ex boyfriend, sobbing, feeling like I was having a panic attack.
I broke up with him last Friday because of a stupid reason. I couldn’t control that his dad was making him work when I made plans for us a week in advance to go whale watching. We had been dating for 8 months. He broke up with me two times before because of stress; I can be a hard person to deal with on top of work and expenses of diesel.
Anyways, I was his first girlfriend ever (I’m 16, junior, soon to be 17 and he’s 17, senior) and sometimes I think he doesn’t understand how relationships work and sometimes I think somehow he knows more than I do. Nonetheless, he thought that since this was our third time getting into a huge fight that maybe we weren’t meant to be and when I tried making things better by bringing over red bull and beef jerky that had a note on it that said “Im sorry for being a JERK.” He still said that he would rather not date anyone at all. We agreed to not talk much at all for the next two weeks or so then go on dates as friends and see where that takes us, but he said he still wanted to text me goodnight and good morning. However, he stopped doing that after the first day. I was so used to telling him everything that happens in my life either when we hung out or texted or talked on the phone that everything reminded me of him and I wanted to tell him everything going on. Obviously, I did text him a couple times, doing so. He would respond back in a nice some-what normal way but after a point when i responded back he wouldn’t respond again. One day I told him i was sorry for annoying him and explained that i just get a strong edge to talk to him about everything and he said I wasn’t annoying him and that me texting him like that was what was keeping him from leaving me forever and that gave me a lot of hope, until the next day.
Still no goodnight or good morning text. No texts while I was at school. So I texted him when i got home to tell him I was going to be in one of the local parades and I told him he should go with his friends and he said he would see. I didn’t hear from him after that conversation. Clearly, I was the last person to send a text. Then the story leads us up to an hour ago.
I was listening to a song that reminded me of him as I was scrolling through his instagram and saw that this girl was liking all of his pictures so i went to her profile and he was liking a lot of her pictures too. I started shaking like I was having a panic attack (which I know a lot about) and i could hear my heart beating like it was everywhere in my body and a cry came out of me that should of been in a little girl’s body. He answered on the last ring.
“Hello”
“H-hi..”
“I’m kind of in the middle of sleeping”
“Im sorry” *goes in to a louder sob*
“Whats wrong?”
No response. only sobbing as minutes go by of him begging me to answer him and tell him why I was crying.
To summarize it for you, he told me what I have heard before. That he loved me just not like he used to. That he is not talking to any girl other than me, that he likes girls photos to be nice. That he doesn’t want to date anyone. That even if we do never date, he would still talk to me. That he was too tired to think of something to say. That he was mad I would accuse him of even wanting anyone else. That even if he found someone else there would be the same mistakes because he works so much and he doesn’t have the money to do everything.
I had no other response other than sobs and pleads to try it again. It ended with him telling me we would talk tomorrow when he was more awake.
My reason for telling you this story isn’t just to vent, but to ask for help. For advice. Guidance. Past Experiences.
Also tonight, I found myself googling if overdosing on my anti-depressants would hurt. I didn’t find an answer, but I did find this website, and I needed it. I am a junior in high school and I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since the 7th grade. However, the anxiety or panic attacks didn’t kick in until last year. My doctor said it was because I was depressed for so long and since i never got the right help for it I tried fixing myself by trying to shove it in a box in myself because I knew I couldn’t be that. Although, the box was not sound proof. I heard all the thoughts in my head. I just never said it out loud because I knew my mom would get mad at me for it and people would think I’m more crazy than they already thought I was. Cuts and burns are hard to hide sometimes. I cut myself quite often in 7th grade due to my loss of innocence to a boy 4 years older than me who didn’t give a damn. Then in 8th grade when I moved I moved onto burning myself. To me. it hurt more. But now. even recently, putting a flame to a bobby pin for a long time then immediately pressing it to my skin doesn’t hurt like it used to. The only problem is the scars are longer lasting with burning, depending on the degree of cuts some people may have, but for me my burning was worse than my cutting. I loved to burn.Even up to about three weeks ago I found myself inches from swilling a fist full of tylenol pills. I go through phases I think. When i first started taking my Paxil (anti-depressant) i felt great, but now I feel desensitized to it and back to my old thoughts where i obsess over death all day. Paxil is also for those with OCD which I don’t have so I think it made me more disorganized or less caring of things. All in all, I don’t think my pills are good for me anymore based on how I have been. I did recently start taking TriNessa birth control pills, could those be counteracting with my Paxil? My doctor said they wouldn’t, but you never know.
Also does anyone have any experience with Paxil they would like to share? Either that or anything similar to what i am going through would be great to hear. I feel hopeless and worthless and I just want to feel like I am not alone and I want answers as to what to do and how to do it since clearly I am not good at moving on and clearly I love this boy.
Thank you,
Savannah (aka: lostnlonely3250)
11 comments
You need to give him space. Stop texting, stop phoning, don’t like his photos or comment on his social networks. If you see him in person, smile and wave and keep walking.
He’ll start to notice your absence, and if he really likes you, he’ll realize what he’s missing. But you CANNOT say anything to him unless he contacts you first, and if he does, make him wait a while. Even a day or so. Show him that you have a life aside from him. Don’t mope over him, cheer yourself up. Do what makes you happy, and if you feel the need to ‘update’ somebody on your life, write in a journal for yourself. (You could even find a private online journal.)
If you stay silent and don’t hear from him… Then well, it’s his loss. I know it would be tough, but if he cares, he’ll show you. If he doesn’t, then you don’t need him. In that case, keep your dignity and walk away. Show the world how awesome you are, and that you can be perfectly happy on your own. You can think of this as a learning experience as to what works and what doesn’t work in a relationship.
Also – I hope you won’t feel the need to self-harm. Like I said, occupy yourself with pleasant pastimes and focus on YOU.
As for the antidepressants – overdosing won’t kill you, but it will land you in the mental ward in the hospital. It could also damage your internal organs. (I know this because I’ve done it before and learned my lesson.) It’s better to think of the positive in your life and engage in fun activities rather than try to self-harm. Do you like dancing, exercising, running, playing sports, drawing, video games, movies, music, etc? What you need are diversions to distract yourself. Call some friends and go create some mischief. Sometimes it’s better to be surrounded by friendly faces than to be alone.
Great advice.
This helped me so much.
I had crushes and dated some girls but my first true love was at 17 also and it seemed like such a huge deal at the time, we talked about marriage and so forth but it was a long distance relationship.
There’s a lot going on in your situation so it’s tough for me to pinpoint anything and offer advice. But you should know that for some people to deal with other people’s problems, it’s a huge drain on them and most people would simply not put themselves through that aggravation.
You remind me of a girl in my life and we have a special bond-she’s got deep problems also and if I didn’t care for her as much as I do, then I’d have a difficult time helping her through it. But she’s not all doom and gloom, she’s got a lovely, happy side as well and that’s another reason we get along so well.
If you project desperation, neediness and so forth, you will naturally drive people away. I understand that you were hurt by other relationships that you had. Relationships can be very complicated things especially to someone who is young on innocent but I think it’d help for you to think thoroughly about your situations and yourself. Perhaps you should also consider seeing a therapist or if you have a wise/caring older friend, then you should express your concerns to them and they can help you out. But you’re not alone, we’ve all had our share of heart-aches as well.
You sound like someone I know and love, but surely you aren’t?
@griefparty,
It’s highly unlikely, thanks for the thought though. 🙂
For someone who said it was tough to offer advice, you hit it right on the nail.
@crescent
Thanks, glad to know my advice turned out to be useful.
hey savannah can i tell you something? i found this site the other night in a search related to suicide and depression because well I’m depressed but this isn’t about me the one thing i’m going to say about me is I’m not the best at doing this putting my thoughts down in words. but I feel like i can relate a lot with you and the first thing I want to tell you is you are a beautiful young lady I understand everything you are going through but self harm is never the answer. I know you probably don’t want to hear that but its true. I’ll tell you i’m 16 i’m a guy my girlfriend is 17 almost 18 she has a job we go to different schools I’ve been hurt a lot. its hard i get thoughts but I never give in no matter how bad i want too i never give in. like i said i’m not really good at this but if you need a friend to talk to here is my email youknowmeimhere@yahoo.com i would love to know more about you I know everybody needs a friend I’ve found myself in that place lots of times and had no one. so you can email me i’ll even give you my number if you’d like not trying to sound weird but if you wanted to text we could all in all just remember their are people who care even if you feel no one does I care I hope you have a good day and i hope to maybe hear from you 🙂
All the advice I can offer. If you can’t be happy being alone w/yourself, you’ll never find happiness with any one person.
Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate this advice and I will use it. For now he and I are friends and I’m going to see how that works. I kissed him on the cheek yesterday and he said it wouldn’t be the last time we kissed. I don’t know what this means, but I am trying little by little to live my own life. I am trying to talk to other people, but it’s still fresh so it’s a bit hard. I am however hanging out with my friends more and it does temporarily help.