He told me that he loved me more than anything, and left me.
He told me I was his best friend, but he didn’t want to see me.
He cried for the first time in years and said that all he wanted was to go home with me and watch a movie, and then he dropped me at my sister’s house.
That was three days ago. The story has changed since then; he just needs to be alone. I can give him space. I can be alone, too, I’ve done it before. But I can’t stand not being able to hold his hand, lean on his shoulder, hear him laugh at my jokes, or tell him that I love him.
I told him before this happened that he was the reason I was staying strong. He pushed me to be happy, and to succeed. I considered killing myself before this, but didn’t have the courage.
When I lay for eight sleepless hours in my sister’s bed that night, I knew that any physical pain was better than what he’d done to me.
The next day, I packed all his things into suitcases and boxes. I didn’t want to believe this was the end, but I needed to do something. While I packed, I cleaned – and found every last pill and chemical and piled them up to look at afterwards.
I didn’t have enough to do it, and only had $15. I can’t stab myself because my arms are too weak and I have bad aim.
Yesterday he picked his things up and left me a note – “I’m sorry that you’re sad.” It made me feel weak, and told me that he wasn’t sad. I know he’s just bad at note-writing, and it was a miscommunication – but it reminded me that I am a weak person.
I’m going to call a doctor and get something to help me sleep. I feel less sad than I did initially, but it still comes in waves, and I still haven’t eaten. I can’t do anything, except be weak.
I had an abortion three weeks ago, and I wish I hadn’t – I wish I still had someone to love.
3 comments
Medijocre, I’m so very sorry. Our stories seem a little similar.
I know the pain you speak of, the longing to stroke their hair, to tell them you love them, to hold their hand. Oh God, I know exactly what you are talking about. Like yours, mine also wept the day we went to the airport before I boarded a plane. Days later, we spoke on the phone and I begged to come home and he said yes, it seemed like I should but of course couldn’t.
I am so sorry too about the abortion. I know the pain that that in itself brings. You have had to deal with a lot of pain in a short amount of time.
Do go and speak to your Dr and see if you can get any help. See if maybe you get some anti-depressants, an appointment to talk to someone about your losses.
I do feel for you. Sending you hugs and hoping that you make it through this time.
I’m so sorry. I haven’t been through a separation like that, but I have had an abortion. Like discardedwife65 said, speak to your Dr about any medication to help. But for having two such painful experiences so close together, consider therapy. Almost everywhere you can live with an internet connection you should also be able to find free therapy groups with people who have been through identical crises. It helps so much to talk face-to-face with someone who *gets* your situation.
I’m so sorry to hear what happened. Things will get better promise! 🙂