I’m so tired of everyone. All the obligations and responsibilities I inevitably have being the oldest child. Though I don’t think I am a child anymore. I have so many expectations to constantly live up to, and when I don’t, I become a failure in my familys eyes. I have a habit of not finishing what I start. School, by some miracle I graduated, though I wasn’t allowed to attend graduation or promotional because instead of expelling me, they just told me to not come back the last month of school in order to get my diploma. I went to the military after that. I was heavily using drugs before it to deal with demons of the past coming back to haunt me, and for a while I was staying sober. Then once I hit the fleet, I got assaulted and taken advantage of by a corporal in my unit. I blamed myself for putting myself in a situation where I was surrounded by drunk people. About two months after I got roofied, sexually assaulted and beaten pretty bad where my nipple rings got tore out. I didn’t really remember anything, just few frightening flashes. I hurt so much. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I didn’t want to be seen as a slut. I’m not. I’ve always been queasy about sexual contact. But in the military, it felt like females were looked down upon and despised for pointing out a predator. So I just kept quiet. I was constantly haunted by these thoughts. I started heavily using drugs again. Then my close friend got caught for selling drugs in the unit, and some reason I got blamed for it too. Though I admit I used heavily, I never sold. But again I’m just a dumb insecure female, who will listen to me? The military justice system is completely different from civilian. Guilty until proven innocent. Though I thought I had been proven innocent, I still got locked up for six months and kicked out of the military. Such an embarrassment. Oh I don’t even know where I’m going here, I’m just rambling. I always fantasize about dying. I always wish for some freak accident or to gently fall into eternal slumber. I am not afraid to kill myself. I constantly look forward for the chance to do so. But I cannot leave my elderly sick grandmother and my separation anxiety mother. It would be so irresponsible. As crazy as it sounds, I really wish I didn’t have family that depended on me so much. I wish they didn’t care if I was alive or dead or anywhere. It would be so relieving to finally let go.