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Hi, I’m blue

by blue.
written by blue.

Hi guys, I finished ‘My heart and other black holes’ a few minutes ago. I was reading it second time. Why? Because I feel so bad. I know that I have a lot of mental health problems… yeah… who haven’t here… but sometimes is worse. You know this time in your life (day, week, month) when you feel worse. Worse than normal. I don’t know what I want to say in this post. Maybe I need some space to write about my feelings. I study abroad in London from September. That was my dream, this is my dream. I had been thinking about it since primary school and now I am here. I should be happy propably, yeah… but I am not, not at all (and sorry my English sometimes sucks but I try my best okay xD). I am on good Uni, I have friends (here not many but I have not problem with meeting new people and I have a lot of friends from my country so we can write on Messenger all the time), I like my body/face/apparence, I have a lot of plans for my future- I know what I want to be. So why I am not satisfied? Why I feel so blue? I cry and think about comitte suicide a lot. But I don’t wanna die. Because if I die I won’t be able to realize my plans. I’ll never be satisfied.

blue.

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Being a good and nice person is not enough

by niki
written by niki

You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).

Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.

Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.

Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

19:49

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.

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Rants

Hi.

by SystemK101
written by SystemK101

Hi, I’m sorry for this. I’m really sorry. This seems like the best way to get it out thought. I’ve realized it time and time again.
I’m going to die. Life has no meaning. There is no purpose of conscious existence. I rather wish we lived in a world were they could be no existentialism, but obviously not. There is, a simple way out however. So simple. And it would be worth it. It really would.
I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. Please, please, in the comments, this is a heavy rant, and I know you’ll want to say to “be strong” and that “life is worth living,” everything people want to believe. They distract themselves, and the whole world with mundane things, in an attempt to make life more bearable. The world is full of distractions, beauty, attractions. It only appeals to us because that’s the only thing we’ve ever known. Not to me. It gets boring after awhile. The flowers dull, the world spins quietly. The trees are brittle, the air is cold and pungent. The sun blinds me. The winds belittles me. The moon taunts me from my bedside. No one knows I pretend to smile, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want them to know. I want them to forget. I don’t want a public suicide. I don’t need people, caring. Knowing. What good does caring do. They’re all indifferent specs of empty meaning. What good is humanity. We only really try to better mankind, and by mankind, I mean all that man has ever known (animals, environment, plant-life, space etc). We only exist because we came from something far beyond our comprehension. But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing does, it’s that simple. We’ve just fallen into an ever changing routine, ruled by those who influence us and those who govern us and those who control what we see. What we know. What we do. My mind is my enemy and my body is a broken temple. There is nothing left for me here. Nothing I want, nothing I cherish, nothing I care about, nothing I need. They like to guilt you into staying by prompting you to consider their feelings. And I do. You just won’t know then. You’ll move on and forget – simple as that. Then they’ll force you into places where the keep you under surveillance. And ask you to share your thoughts and feelings. Make sure you take care of yourself. They try to put you back together with all the wrong pieces. Pieces that are supposed to interest you, motivate you to keep in going. Keep on living and breathing. Keep on falling into distraction. Keep on fight the pain.
Keep on moving.
Keep on running.
Keeping walking.
Keep on crawling.
Keep on inching.

Until you get tired, and stop moving.

You’re mind which was once buzzing is now silent.
It’s all gone, one by one, the pieces fall.
You are left an empty corpse.

You refuse everything they give you. You don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t open your eyes, nor eat. Your mind isn’t in use anymore.

Such a simple way to die : for you cannot force someone with no will to live, to live. And that is why I’m sure, I’ll die. I’ll loose my eyesight, my speech, my muscle strength. My hearing. I’ll throw up everything from the tubes, strangle myself with the chords, fall down off the bed, use anything sharp to impale any part of my body, I’ll stress myself out, work up a heart attack so that my body has no choice.

I’ll make enemies with everyone I see. So they don’t give me a second thought anytime later. I’ll become estranged. They don’t care when you anger them, do they. Aha, so it is the perfect plan then. I’ll even make up a death date so I have a deadline.

I won’t tell you, of course.
Thanks for reading though,
take care.

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Rants

i don’t know what to fucking do anymore

by unknown
written by unknown

i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.

sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.

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General

its me, im new

by unknown
written by unknown

I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.

goodnight.

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i wanna die

by NumbExhaustion
written by NumbExhaustion

I’ve stopped taking my meds in hopes of bringing back all the shittiness and to maybe store meds for if I ever decide to kill myself and I tell myself that it’s better than feeling numb but I honestly just hate myself and I feel so uncomfortable unless my chest is bound and I don’t know why. but I just wanna fucking die. I’m so tired and I hate myself and I can’t find the energy to do anything and I can’t reach out to anyone and my mom won’t stop preaching about god and I’m all alone and fuck. I really just wanna die. would I be found quickly if I killed myself at school cause I don’t want my parents to find me but I really just want to kill myself. my mom found my blades so she took those but I need something to control so I’ve tried to stop eating lunch but I can’t cause I’m fucking weak but I’m too fat and I just want to kill myself. I hate my body. someone kill me

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends Effects

it´s been a while

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

i haven´t been here for over a year, and i really need to empty my brain, so here´s a bit of the mess that´s going on in my head

 

i tried to hide it more, so they wouldn´t notice. I guess I got too good at hiding it because now she thinks i´m doing so much better. And maybe I am, but it  doesn´t really feel like it. I feel like soon i´ll break; and I don´t know if I can or want to stop it. Today she said, “I think you´re doing much better now. Do you still think you need to see a therapist?”. i want to, but last time i panicked when they asked if i´d ever experienced anything  sexual with others. i was ashamed, so I lied. I guess a part of me thought they´d say it wasn´t a big deal. I lied so much that time. So it´s no wonder they said I seemed alright. I just wasted their time, like I normally do.

i don´t think she remembers what happened all those years ago. She probably doesn´t. but why do I have to remember? Seems a bit unfair, but whatever. Lately i´ve found myself spending more time in fictional worlds than the real one, which isn´t really surprising, but it´s a bit worrying.

i feel like everyone is moving forward, doing better and being happy. Everyone but me. I feel stuck in the past, like the me today is with the me from around 13 years ago. It´s disorientating, to say the least. I´ve been trying to keep my mind busy, doing something all the time, but it may be making things worse, because I know i´m just ignoring the problem, and I know it´s gonna blow up in my face sooner or later. At this point in my life, all I want is to disappear. It doesn´t even have to be death, I just want to go somewhere far away, where I don´t have to worry about anything. I want the peace of mind that was taken away from me that day. The day I said yes, and thinking nothing bad was going to happen. The day I technically gave consent but was like 7 years old so I obviously couldn´t give consent to anything of that sort. Sadly, that took a lot of time to get to terms with. i´ve been blaming myself for a while. However, I realized that it´s not my fault. And i´m so glad I did. Better late than never, huh?

Will I ever let it go? Am I being annoying? Am I just being dramatic? Others have it worse. Maybe me being upset about it is stupid and I shouldn´t be. I don´t know.

i´m so tired. So tired of everything. But as always, I won´t do anything. Because I want others to be happy. And I know that if I did what i´ve been wanting to do for many years, it´d be troublesome. So I won´t do it. Not ever, probably. I still want to, but i´ll stick around for a while I suppose.

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General

shit

by felo-de-se
written by felo-de-se

I thought I was getting better. I’m wrong. I’m so fucking wrong and I hate it.

 

It’s only my first time here, but I think I’ll be returning a lot. Because I’m a piece of shit, who is so natural and inclined to drive anyone who get closes to me, away, I don’t have anyone. People keep saying “think about your friends and family! How they would feel if you do it!”

lmao. My family won’t give a shit, and I have no friends that would care. I saw that cringe-inducing post that have this short story about what would happen when you off yourself and shit, yknow. And it’s fucking amusing because NONE of it would happen. Don’t try to pin all situations to one outcome. They’d just held my funeral (because it’s compulsory to do so in my religion) and I bet none of them would even feel mournful about me gone. None of them cares. All they do is hit and shout at me. Days where they don’t I’m just expecting it to happen. idk. i just need a push to end it all

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !

by niki
written by niki

Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.

Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.

I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:

1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.

2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.

3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.

Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!

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I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.

by niki
written by niki

Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.

I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.

And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”

Bullshit.

People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.

Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.

Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.

I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc

Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !

Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !

I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !

Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !

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not as easy as it seems

by no hope to feel alive so i adopt complacency
written by no hope to feel alive so i adopt complacency
  1. everyone told me that being positive would help me through my recovery. everyone told me they would stay with me through thick and thin but they lied so now i’m starting to think that maybe they were just talking in their sleep. the problem for being positive is that there is nothing good about me specifically. i’m ugly, fat, and good for nothing. how am i supposed to be positive when these things are just the truth. and every day i wonder how much better death would be than living where no one even fucking cares and there’s not a single good characteristic about me. i have friends and i find myself wanting to talk to them about how i feel but i know i can’t because they’ll hate me. so now i’m sitting here wondering which is worse, neglect or abuse?
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Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !

by niki
written by niki

Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !

Human’s imagination is better than reality !

Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !

I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …

real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !

I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!

Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!

People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !

In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!

in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .

i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …

and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!

I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !

Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !

REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!

better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …

FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!

THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!

in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …

.

.

so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!

if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!

..

.

.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralStories of Loss

my crazy life…

by hellfire187
written by hellfire187

hey,

just want to share a little bit of my story.  Sorry for my bad english.

My father is an alcoholic psycho, as long as I can think. He was allways fliping out. I started smoking weed, when I was 12. I was smoking and drinking every day, since Im 16. At this age, I became sick, crohns desease. Every day pain, like hell… Im on opiate painkillers since Im 20. This every day pain breaks my brain. Got depressed after some years of horrible pain. With 25 I started to take speed, meth, cokain everyday use, in weekends mdma, sometimes lsd, alltogether with weed and painkillers. Every weekend on rave, dancing from friday night to sunday afternoon. On drugs I stabbed someone with a knife. I was on  probaiton, lost my job, got hardest depression of my life. Close to kill myself… I failed on probation and got to jail for 1 year. Now Im out of jail, my ex gf stole all of my stuff and demolished my apartment, caused about 30k$ damage… Now Im out, got nothing left, no (drug-) friends, 15k$ debt + eventually what my ex gf caused, depressed like hell. The only positive is that Im clean now. But I dont want to live this f***** life anymore.

The whole story is a lot worse…

I just dont want to live like this anymore… It wont get better. Just more pain… I should end this, as long as I can…

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Chronic Pain

window distraction

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

these last few days have been really weird. the number of times i’ve left my room is in single digits; i can’t seem to bring myself to leave my bed for some reason. still unemployed, still being a failure, still not doing anything, still complaining.

i don’t know what to write, but about 5 minutes ago i was sitting on my window and had a feeling i could do something not very nice so i guess typing whatever is better than that.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

rambling

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

it’s been a while since the last time i posted anything here, but right now i feel like i just need to type stuff out.

lots of things have been happening lately, the biggest thing being i moved. i was okay for a while, feeling pretty neutral, which at this point is great. but it’s only been getting worse for some reason, nothing significant has happened. i’ve been feeling very weird these past few days though, i can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m numb for some reason? yesterday i met a youtuber i really admire and i thought i’d be so happy but i didn’t feel anything at all? and it’s so upsetting. it’s so annoying.

a few days ago i came to terms with something i have been avoiding for about 14 years, which didn’t help at all. i’m so tired in so many ways; emotionally, physically and mentally. i feel like i’m only complaining which also annoys me, but i’ve actually haven’t really been talking that much irl, so i guess i’m just saying everything that’s going on in my mind. ramble ramble i don’t know

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GeneralPoetry & ArtRants

Cemetery On The Hill

by AJ
written by AJ

Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?

I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.

I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.

Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.

I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.

I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past would’ve thought I was dead I’m sure of it. Not that anyone would care. They’d just leave me there to rot amongst the dead.

And that’s where I decided I was going to die. When I was ready.

On that beautiful grave with my beautiful death. Poetic .

But for now I have to keep going. I won’t last much longer but I still have him. And he makes life worth living.

I miss my cemetery on the hill.

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