I am one of those hero-to-zero types, and I cannot bear the disappointment and shame I’ve put on my family. I wake up every morning wondering why I am not dead. If I wake up at kike 3 in the morning, I get hit by a tsunami of sadness, because I only have 2 hours before I face the world. Face the ones I have disappointed.
God, 1 year ago, I would have laughed at myself for being so emo. I can’t laugh now.
My father is so disappointed in me; it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know what I’m doing writing this here…I haven’t told anyone, so I suppose this is my way of letting the world know? Some form of closure? I don’t even understand myself.
My story is long, but bottom line is, I am terrified of the idea of living another day. I love the comforts and joys of life, and if there was any other way, id grab it…but there isn’t.
It’s a mixture of emotions I’m feeling. Relief, that it’ll be over…Apprehension over the afterlife…I believe in God….and regret over all my mistakes. Sadnesss that I can’t take them back. Guilt over my family’s reaction.
Anger..because things could have been so different.
2 comments
hey their. you are writing because you have found the one place that you can express yourself without fear of ridicule or judgement. i have only been on here a weekand in that time this site has saved my life more than once. 2 really close calls and 1 half ass attempt. yeah, things are bad now, real bad. actually suck would be a better word. why do i continue? dont know? i have tried many times, and came close on several. yet, here i am. what this site has given me is the knowledge that we are not alone. we know your suffering, your pain. i also know we can get through this. i am just as lost, confused,and scared as evreyone else, and dont know what to do, BUT i do know that somehow we can beat this. you dont know me, but please know that i am with you, you are not alone in your struggle. as a matter of fact, you have a whole boatload of people who are with you. and all of us want to help. thats a funny thing about us depressives, we cant see past our own darkness, but want to help others get past theirs. nobody should have to suffer this much pain in their lives. you are in my thoughts, and prayers ( im pagan, hope thats ok?} and really hope the best for you. good luck and peace to you
Both this post and this previous reply make me sad. I don’t say that to make you feel judged; I say that because you both sound so sensitive and caring and generous with the feelings of others that I feel sad that you feel un-cared for, or that the care isn’t enough. But I agree with tc13: you are not alone, *we* are not alone.