Confused

i’m fairly lost, and i have nowhere left to turn,

I’m not sure what i want anymore.. i had my goals i had everything set up and ready for me, then my walls were crushed by all the pressure bulldozing me down and i cannot take it anymore.

I think about suicide a lot, but i know i could probably never go through with the act, just because i feel like i cannot leave people behind, my sister suffers from depression and my mum does too, and there in a different country to me, but if i do kill myself they would be so broken and then i would be responsible for what happens to them, and don’t want anything to happen to them, i love them so much i just want them to be happy. But at the same time i don’t want to be here anymore, i want to be able to leave and for it to have no effect on them, as if i was never born like that they don’t suffer any pain of what may be seen as a selfish act.

I hate that it’s seen that way, but at the same time i understand why, because when you choose to end your life, other people are effected. Anyway i’m going off point. I don’t have the guts to end my life, the pain scares me. But i just don’t want to be here anymore, at least not like this, not in these condition, i’m lost and i don’t know what to do anymore.